Remember shooting shit down the old alleyways. Talking tragedy and music like old Holiday.

Some of my fingers are green and they smell a little funny.
No, I haven't been fingering Kermit The Frog, apparently it's something that can happen when handling lots of copper and using flux.
Great!

It will be the latex gloves for me then.
In fact, they could come in handy!
Nudge nudge, wink wink...oh forget it!

There's 9 other guys on my training course. I've only really spoken to 2 of them, the rest seem to want to keep themselves to themselves. They just don't seem to very talkative....or forthcoming.

I got an ansafone message from the guy from the money place. He assured me that everything was progressing on and he's sorry for the misunderstanding from their staff yesterday. Oh and should I have anymore enquiries about my application, then I should phone him on his direct number. That would be the same direct number I already have for him. The same direct number that goes onto his voicemail instantly, even when he says in the greeting message that he's working those hours. Twat!
Yes, I have an enquiry about my application....what the fucks gone wrong with it?!

If I could just get this big fuck off issue of money sorted out then I'd be sleeping a lot better at night.

Get lost, we gettin' lots o' rocks. While bitches Botox, I blow cocks.

Thoughts from the bath....

I don't have to have a shave tonight. Unlike any previous job I've had, I've always had to be presentably clean shaven. No more! This might not sound like a big deal to anybody else, but after years of having to be like that, coupled with having to wear suits, to me it's a big deal.

Dicks kinda float in the water.

I made a wise choice changing the boneshakers. This other car seems to be holding up very well. I'm currently toying with the idea of giving it a good run and risking the journey up to see The Girl at the weekend.
*Thought pending*

Oh fuck, Valentines day is coming up. Not being single anymore makes this complicated. I've been used to ignoring the day on the grounds of it being a day of crapness. A day where emotions range anywhere from disappointment, bitterness, jealousy, love, elation, expectation, disillusionment, sadness, happiness, hate and pretty much any other emotion connected with relationships is celebrated, just makes no sense to me whatsoever.

Oh fuck, Valentines day is coming up. Yes, it crossed my mind again.

Long bath, huh?

Today, I listened to one of the other guys on the training course with me. He used to be a Police Officer. Did it for 4 years and decided he just wasn't cut out for it. He went on to say that he'd hated it ever since his first 'bad' call out, about 12 months after he joined them.
The call out was to a house that needed to be broken into. There were reports of nobody seeing the guy who lived there and after other attempts to communicate with him, the next step was to break into his house. They put the front door through and were immediately immersed in a wretched stench. Upstairs in one of the bedrooms, he'd commited suicide. He didn't say how long the guy had been dead, but not only was the body decomposing, but the guy's dog had run out of food and been chewing at his flesh to get a meal.
I thought things like that only happen in the movies. What a horrible story. I can't even begin to imagine being witness to something like that.

Still no news from the money people. I phoned them tonight when I got back only to be told something I'd heard like 4 weeks ago. She was very unhelpful and I came off the phone pissed off. Possibly not a good time to leave a voicemail for the guy who's supposed to be co-ordinating it all, huh?
It kinda went...."Yes, this is Mr bedshaped, telephone contact number blah blah blah, I really want a call back from you tomorrow morning please. I have realised I am getting nowhere fast with this loan from your company and am now looking to borrow the money elsewhere. I am really pissed off with the way I have been dealt with and am convinced you run a company policy that nobody in the building is allowed to communicate with anybody else. Please call me before midday and please leave an ansafone message with your direct number, a number that you will actually pick up. Thanks....bye x"

Exciting, isn't it?

I could be brown, I cloud be blue, I could be violet sky. I could be hurtful, I could be purple, I could be anything you like.

The beginning of a new week.
The beginning of a new direction on my journey.

Towards the end of December, I decided to give up my job in sales and take the plunge to train in a completely different area of work. At the end of this 6 week intensive course, I should have enough qualifications and technical know-how to begin to set up working for myself.
Get me eh?!

I was on day one today.
They said it was an intense course, but I don't think I quite understood just how intense.
6 weeks of fucking hard work ahead.

The Brit Music Awards are coming up. Please step over to thread about the brits over at theauditorium. It's fun, join in. Don't make me beg, it gets ugly.

I can't undo the day. It won't go under the rug.

Well, today has ended up being a crap day.
Sometimes we just have to suffer really crap days, don't we?

Early afternoon, I had to wave goodbye to The Girl, who'd come down to see me last night. For the next 2 hours, I worried about her getting back safely. This was followed by a further 2 hours at my parents house trying to convince them to lend me just over 4 grand. It appears that me watching all those Derren Brown programmes have paid off and by the power of persuasion (ok, there was quite a lot of begging too), they gave me the money.
This is an absolute life saver and I couldn't thank them enough. I must admit, I wanted to do this all on my own, but the sheer bnattle it's been so far, I had to give in to temporary defeat.

On Saturday, I waved bye bye to Boneshaker, my totally unreliable car. The fond memories (if there even were any) soon drifted away as I was driving away in a different car. This other car has 50,000 less miles but is 2 years older.
I cannot even begin to express my relief at actually having something that might be reliable enough to last the next 6 weeks.

I start a training course tomorrow....for the next 6 weeks.

Today has been a crap day.
After if having to say goodbye to The Girl isn't bad enough, I then had to beg my parents for some money.
I hope I know what I'm doing.

After a few frustrated evenings with yousendit, the songs in the jukebox are live again. Just on the right sidebar. Enjoy....The DJ Shadow song is particularly lovely.

What it all comes down to, is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet. 'Cos I've got one hand in my pocket ....

It almost snowed today.
I could see it really wanted to, but something stood in its way.
I love the snow!

I've been working with my ex-boss and friend, Bling for the past two days.
We've done impressions of Frank Spencer, Laurel and Hardy and Lee Evans. We've reminisced about Scalextrix, Swap Shop and Sega Master System.

I've had a great time.
Back to the shit tomorrow.
Good job I'm having a smoke tonight.

If you like music then I've done a post over at theauditorum blog about The Brits awards coming up. Please feel free to take a look and join in on the game.
theauditorium

....And the other one is giving a peace sign.

Sit tight, I'm gonna need you to keep time. Come on just snap, snap, snap your fingers for me.

I've not been very lucky of late.
I strive to be the sort of person who believes in good karma. Do something good and good things will come back round full circle, right? Do a good deed, do something that makes a difference or even just keep your nose clean and eventually good things will happen to you, right?
Even Justin Timberlake says "What goes around, comes back around". Although he may not have meant it in the positive way that I interpreted it.

With my boneshaker of a car not being very road-worthy (and I use the term very loosely), the issue of travelling to 90 odd miles to see The Girl presents something of a problem nowadays. Not being the sort of person to see this an a big issue, I decided to put public transport to the test.
After some conversations with The Girl, the plan was in place. I would risk the boneshaker to get me to the local train station, take the train into the City Centre where I would walk to the large bus/coach station, get a coach to take me the majority of the way courtesy of a very cheap ticket puchased online and The Girl would be able to pick me up at her end.
It all seemed so simple.

I left here a little earlier than I could have done, purely because I didn't know the way to the bus/coach station from the City Centre train station and wanted to make sure I had enough time to find the place. The boneshaker got me to the local train station (just about), where I parked up and proceeded to the ticket office. Except there wasn't one! In it's place was an automated machine, fine under normal circumstances, but this machine had no indication of price or destinations. On top of not knowing how much to pay or which platform to stand on, I fumbled around in my pocket to find nothing but coppers. I had money, but only notes. The automated machine, whilst not stating any prices or destinations, quite clearly stated no notes, exact change only. Off down the road I toddled, to a nearby newsagents to break the note into some suitable change. No problem I thought, I could get some chewing gum for the journey. I came out with mints!
Back at the train station I fed the machine with an approximation of journey cost. I walked up the steps and duly watched a train (which I now realised was the one I wanted to catch) pull off. So I waited....and waited....and waited. Earlier on, I had checked the local train times and read that they left every 20 minutes so I didn't think it was such a big deal as I'd left extra early and still had plenty of time. After all, the important part of the journey was to catch the coach because I had a specific ticket, for a specific coach, at a specific time. 40 odd minutes later the next train arrived.
At the City Centre train station, I was refused exit because my 'ticket' wasn't actually a ticket. It was just a receipt for a payment made via an automated machine and was duly pointed by the guy on the exit turnstile to exchange it for a valid ticket. He motioned to a couple of ladies sat beside the Information kiosk, so off I went to join the queue to get a 'valid ticket', behind about 30 other people. 25 minutes later, I was the proud owner of a valid ticket for all of about 30 seconds because the guy on the exit turnstile glanced over it, mumbled something, took it off me and ushered me through.
Oh well.
Next up was to find the bus/coach station. I had asked the lady at the ticket exchange only to be told she didn't know and she suggested I should ask the guy on the exit turnstile. I didn't have time to ask him because of the other 284 people behind me waiting to get out....with their valid tickets.
I saw a 'Local Information Shop' and thought my prayers were answered. More queueing and more waiting. At the window, I asked the guy where the bus/coach station was. His first suggestion of waiting for a free pick up shuttle service bus was no good considering by this time, time was against me. I had 30 minutes to find it and the shuttle bus ran every 40 minutes. He then very kindly started to explain how to get there by foot. I was trying to listen to him but my eyes were drawn to the map he was pointing at with his pen. By the time he'd finished explaining, I realised all I'd gained from him was, "Walk out of the station and turn left...." because I was concentrating on his pen over the map. I smiled...."Can I have that map please....?" He told me they were normally a pound. I smiled again....He handed it over.
With map in hand and trying my best not to look like a tourist, I exited the train station and duly turned left. A few steps later and I was already lost. He said something about a spiral staircase. Is that a spiral staircase? I continued on and found myself by an open market, by this time most of the market stalls were packing up from the days' trade. I saw a sign for the bus/coach station. Result! I followed it's direction and after about 200 yards I saw another sign pointing in the direction I'd just walked from!
Clearly I'd reached one of those times in my life where I needed to swallow my man pride and ask somebody for directions (again). I asked a market stall guy, who told me to follow the road down, cross over the road where the traffic lights didn't work anymore, pass by the burnt out pub and keep going about half a mile and it would be on my left.
It was on the right!

At the bus/coach station, I sent a text to The Girl to tell her I was there and just waiting for the coach. Ok, so it hadn't been plain sailing so far but at least I was at the station and all I had to do was find the right coach. The coach pulled up, the driver checked my ticket and I got on.
There was about 30 people on the coach, so lots of empty seats. The coach pulled out, I took out my book and began to read. Opposite me sat a lady who spent the first hour of the journey picking at her chicken in box. It was like a KFC box of chicken except it wasn't KFC, it was a cheap version and stunk like something you'd have thrown away 4 days ago. She didn't just eat it either, she picked strips off it....for an hour! It stunk!
The coach journey time was stated as just over 3 hours. 2 hours into the journey, the coach pulled over on the side of the road and the driver walked down the aisle in between the seats demanding to know who was smoking. There was a smell that's for sure, but it wasn't a cigarette smell. When I first smelt it, I thought it might be the chicken lady having another stab at her food again. The driver didn't seem too happy and was adamant that somebody had been smoking. Nobody admitted to it and he went back to his seat with a huff.
Another few miles down the road and we were due to make a scheduled stop anyway. We pulled into the bus station and the driver let himself out. He disappeared around the back of the coach for a few minutes before letting himself back onto the front of the coach.
He announced...."We've broken down"
Something about some belts that had shredded in the engine and were pumping fumed back into the coach, hence the smell.
I got off the coach and lit up a cigarette outside while I phoned The Girl.
It should have been another hour to complete the journey. The driver told us that the next coach due into that particular station would arrive in an hour (if it was on time).
So we waited....and waited....and waited....
About 45 minutes later, a mini bus turned up and took 9 passengers off to one of the other destinations that the coach was originally intending to do a drop off at.
15 minutes later another one turned up. I got on that on.

The driver looked like an escaped convict, confirmed by his 'authorised mini bus driver' badge displaying his mug-shot. Either the driver had a phobia changing over 3rd gear or he secretly knew attempting a high speed gear change would result in some kind of explosion. What followed was an hour of engine scream, although that was only just audible over the 1950's radio station he decided we all must have liked.
As if the rest of the day hadn't been challenging enough, and no amount of internal praying on my behalf was paying off, chicken lady sat right next to me on the mini bus. Luckily for me, the smell of the stinky chicken had slightly worn off. Unluckily for me, it had been over-powered by her B.O. Add to that the fact that she had her I-Pod blasting through some ill-fitting earphones and liked to join in with a wailing sound, not unlike a banshee and it made for an uncomfortable 60 odd minute journey.
We arrived in the City almost 90 minutes after our original quoted time. The convict driver was clearly confused by his satellite navigation and after the voice told him for the 3rd time, "Turn Around, Turn Around", he pulled over and told us all to get out.

Stranded on an unfamiliar street, I called The Girl who came to my rescue.
Aah, bless!

I had a great weekend.
What about you?

Excuse me but can I be you for a while. My dog wont bite if you sit real still. I got the Anti-Christ in the kitchen, yellin' at me again.

I feel sad that I've almost finished my book.

The last few days have seen me toiling with emotions.
Juggling with telephone conversations.
Struggling with a lump of metal that's trying to pass itself off as a car.
Attempting to make peace with the people who are demanding money.
Being on the verge of tears.

More than once, I've almost convinced myself that this is too hard and I should take the easy way out. But somehow I've resisted. Unsure if it's stubborness, principle or a desire to beat the system.
I'm not ready to throw my cards on the table just yet.
Surely the hand I hold is good enough to win.

In certain parts of my life, I fight with myself to not be a conformist. I am not a sheep that follows the lead of others and am quite proud of the black colour my family have painted me with.

Everytime I look into your eyes, you make me love you.

I had to call in a few favours this weekend.
It's evident how desperate parts of my life have become recently, for me to have to call in so many in such a short space of time.
I can only hope that I have some more up my sleeve, should such a disastrous time rear it's ugly head again.

The Girl is wonderfully understanding and immensely patient. I can't help but wonder how much longer her fuse is. My moodswing feebleness reared it's ugly head right in front of her eyes and I felt powerless to do anything about it.
There was a conversation in the car on the way back, where she commented on how well she thought I was dealing with everything.
"I look like I'm coping on the outside, but inside I'm crumbling away"
I wonder if she heard that the way I intended it.

I'm no further forward with anything than I was this time last week. Two weeks ago even. If anything, I feel like I've been taking steps backwards. Time is running out and I really need to make some headway this week.

I'm ok though, thanks for mentally asking.

And If you think that I've been losing my way. That's because I'm slightly blinded.

I am unstable.
My moodswings are reaching Def Con 1 and show no signs of letting up.

I thought I'd be constantly watching Celebrity Big Brother on the live feeds, but I've prefered to read or watch movies.
I've seen Rocky Balboa, which was ok. Ultravoilet, which was awful. White Noise, which didn't really do what it set out to do. Pan's Labyrinth, which was just brilliant. Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind really moved me and I loved it.
I've finished reading the Dan Price book and am currently a quarter of the way through Mr Nice, an autobiography about Howard Marks.

The banging my head up against a brick wall Money people are still digging their heels in. A telephone conversation today resulted in me knowing nothing new. In fact some of what they said to me sounded like I had gone back a few steps.
When will all this money bollocks end?!

It's proving very difficult to get motivated with so much on my mind. I'm becoming lethargic and loathsome.
I don't like how I am portraying myself, but I don't want to hide how I'm feeling.

If you think that I don't make too much sense
That's because I'm broken minded.

I just don't know what to do with myself. I don't know what to do with myself.

I feel like a dog with 2 dicks.

Spare....excess to requirements....more than required....

Earlier I phoned the money people to confirm things, only to be told the same as I was last week.
What planet are they on? It can't possibly be the same as I'm on!
Once again, I'm told that the problem lies within Department Two not telling Department One that the amount has changed. How difficult could that be?!

Today has been completely shit for me.
I'm now reaching the point where I wonder if all this was worth while. If any of this crap was worth it?

This town ain't big enough for both of us. And it ain't me who's gonna leave.

What can't people do what they're supposed to do?

Sometime early December:
bedshaped, "Yeah, hi. I'm just checking to see how my application is doing, for the extra money?"
Department One, "Right, let me see for you. Oh yes, it's all looking fine. You're known as Low Risk so everything that end is sorted out. Next you will get your confirmation Documents sent out, just return them and then we can release the funds to you"
bedshaped, "Great, thanks a lot"

Mid December:
bedshaped, "Hi, I haven't received my Doc's to sign."
Department One, "Hmmmm, let me transfer you to Department Two because the loan amount we have differs to what you're telling me. Maybe they can help."
Department Two, "Hi, how can I help?"
bedshaped, "Well, I've been transfered to you because Department One can't proceed any further without confirmation from you that the loan amount was changed."
Department Two, "Right. I will send them a message saying that's fine."
bedshaped, "Thanks. How much longer now?"
Department Two, "Oh, not long, They will send you the Doc's to sign and return, then they release the funds."
bedshaped, "Cool"

End of December:
bedshaped, "Hi, I still haven't received my Doc's to sign."
Department One, "We have a difference in the loan amount. Have you reduced it?
bedshaped, "Yes, ages ago and Department Two have confirmed this with you."
Department One, "No I'm sorry, they haven't. We need that next to proceed. Let me transfer you to speak to them"
Department Two, "Hi, how can I help?"
bedshaped, "Department One say they STILL haven't received anything from you confirming change of loan amount."
Department Two, "Oh right, let's see. Oh we need something else off you yet. A letter stating blah blah blah."
bedshaped, "A letter, right? I can do that now and send it today. Then what?"
Department Two, "Then we can confirm amount chaange with Department One and they can send you the Doc's to sign and return then release the funds."

The letter goes off the same day.

Beginning of January:
bedshaped, "Hi, what's going on? I've heard NOTHING"
Department One, "Department Two need to confirm the loan amount changing, then we can proceed. Let me transfer you to them to find out why they haven't done it"
Department Two, "Hi, how can I help?
bedshaped, "What the fu...Hi, can you tell me what's happening?"
Department Two, "Yes, Department One need confirmation from us that the loan amount is changed."
bedshaped, "Ok, so why hasn't that been done, for the last 3 weeks?"
Department Two, "I can't say. What needs to happen now is we need to cinfirm the amount of loan to them. This will be done by your original agent who you spoke to."
bedshaped, "Look, I've never even spoken to him since day one back in November. Everything has been messed up as far as I'm concerned. It's been going on since blah blah blah. You told me in December blah blah blah. I've been passed from one department to another, both of whom seem incapable of holding a conversation with each other. Blah Blah Blah."

The guy on the end of the phone then told me he'd done it. He'd sent Department One the information. 15 minutes later, I called Department One to confirm this and they said yes.
The next 48 hours are gonna drag like a bitch.

Be thankful, this is a very condensed and edited version of my relationship with the money people.

Can you hear me you peers and privy councillors, I stand before you naked to the eyes.

A quote from a book by a guy called Dan Price:

"Some of us are born with unrealizable and unattainable dreams. They push and pull our beings through life like a pack of wild dogs on the end of a hundred straining leashes. But just coming to realize that some of those dreams could be a reality can be the first big step in a persons coming of age."

He goes on to say that many or most of our family and friends will contend that the safest course lies with the herd. "Security" is coveted like an Olympic flame and carried aloft for all to see.

This guy lived his dreams just by believing in himself. What he's achieved is nothing short of amazing and he scoffs at the people who pointed at him like the town idiot.
I'm not in any way going to be following in his footsteps, but the entire message of the book just sung out to me from the pages, rising chorus after chorus of just believing in yourself. Who would have thought that just believing in yourself could make such a difference to people. And he's right. A little positivity goes a long, long way.

A little more upbeat from me tonight. Strange, considering this morning I opened an envelope with a court summons in it.

Quick recap:
No job
No money
Nothing set in stone for another job yet
Unreliable bone shaker (car)
Money people still dragging their feet
Endless bills
Court summons

Still the best move I could have ever made though.

There's no excuses my friend, let's push things forward.

Communication....it's a funny old game.

The other day I spoke to my ex wife, telling her about my current circumstances and my outlook and she managed to twist the whole thing around. When I spoke about myself, I tried to put it across as such a positive move for me, but she shot me down in flames and I left feeling like the most selfish person on the planet.
What I saw as being the best move forward for me got turned into the worst move for her.

Tonight I spoken to Bling. My old Boss who now does what I'm hoping to get into. He's done nothing but pelt me with positive thoughts about the whole thing. He's so upbeat about it and keep saying that all this crap will soon pass.

Amazing how the same subject of conversation can be interpretted so differently by different people.

Today hasn't been great but it's been a hell of a lot better than yesterday. I won a fight with my bank, had some semi positive news from the money people and spoke to my old Boss about changing the car that I've just bought off them. It's all looks and no functions unfortunately.
I've just sent a huge email to my brother. For some reason, I felt like I needed to 'talk' to him.


Part of the email:
"But I'm ok though. I thought I'd email you guys to let you know that I'm ok, despite things not looking so rosy at the moment. I've been through worse shit than this, I'm sure things will work themselves out.

So yeah. I'm unemployed, kinda skint, unreliable wheels and unable to put anything into place until i get the money from the loan, but it doesn't stop me thinking it's the best move I could have made.

I'm planning to clean the house from top to bottom tomorrow.
That's how interesting my life is nowadays.

Everything's so blurry and everyone's so fake and everybody's empty and everything is so messed up.

The return of Celebrity Big Brother.

So in the house, we have:

Jermaine Jackson - wtf!
Danielle Lloyd - A Celebrity? Former Miss UK, controversially lost the crown soon after and now dating a footballer.
Ken Russell - Controversial British film director who looks about 104. Surely the insurance bill for Channel 4 to have him on there must have been astronomical.
Jo Omeara - Former S Club 7 singer, now apparently a dog breeder.
Leo Sayer - Easy Listening singer from yonks ago. Rates himself as 'a funny guy'.
Shilpa Shetty - Bollywood actress. Does she have any idea how damaging to a career this program can be?
Carole Malone - Columnist for Paparazzi, serial moaner and critic about absolutely everone and everything.
Donny Tourette - Lead singer with band Towers Of London. Rock star wannabe and complusive twat.
Ian 'H' Watkins - Former member of huge band Steps who earlier today admitted he was gay. Media seeker anybody?
Cleo Roccos - Comedy actress almost exclusivelly known for working with Kenny Everett in the 80's. Looks a million times better now than she ever did back then.
Dirk Benedict - Actor from Battlestar Galactica and the face of....well, Face from The A Team.
Typical cigar chomping AK-TOR.

Apparently Jade from a previous Big Brother, who has consequently become somewhat of a celebrity is going in on Friday. Well, that's if the rumours are true.



25 days of compulsive viewing.

This is a crap post but it's the best I can muster with how shit I'm feeling.

I am a little bit insecure, a little unconfident. 'Cos you don't understand, I do what I can, but sometimes I dont make sense.

Not much has happened today.

I went into (ex) work earlier, to give them my car back and sort out the paperwork for the boneshaker I've just bought.
True to it's word, it shakes. It shakes like it's done 100,000 miles, when in fact it's done 126,000! But....it get's me from one place to another and has the bonus of a cd player. Things ain't so bad.
Another guy has left since I've left, so the Sales team are really struggling now with just 4 people left. I watched them today, with stressed looks on their faces....I spoke with my (ex) Boss, Third Time Lucky and he asked me if I would considering going back there....
Within 5 minutes of entering the place, I realised I'd definately done the right thing.

I've had an ansafone message left tonight from the money people. After 2 conversations with them previously, being told that everything had gone through and they were just waiting for one piece of information being faxed over from some other department, they are now asking me for all sorts of additional information.
This is not good.
Hopefully, tomorrow I will be able to moan at them a little and ask in a polite way just what the fuck is going on and somehow make them 'forget' that they asked me for anything else. Surely they can't tell me everything has gone through and is fine and then tell me that they need additional information to complete it! That just seems so very wrong to me.
I'd kinda counted on all this being sorted and the last stage being kinda formalities.
Fuck fuck fuck. This is not good!

Well if anything, 2007 is already shaping up to be a trying year. A lot could happen this year, if only I could get my arse into gear.

So close not matter how far. Couldn't be much more from the heart. Forever trusting who we are, 'cos nothing else matters.

This year, I wanted to enjoy Christmas and the New Year the way I imagine most people do.
Having a decent break from work, enjoying time with the ones they love and not worrying about having to cut it all short.
For the last unfathomable number of years, I've usually had 2 days off for Christmas, worked in between then and New Year and felt like it wasn't a break at all. This year was different. Completely different. This year I wanted to enjoy my break the way I always imagined it should be like.
It completely surpassed my expectations.

That's how I want every Christmas break to be like.

The beginning of a new year....
I have no job, so no income.
I'm still waiting to hear about that extra money I need.
As of tomorrow, I will be without my 6 month old Ford Focus and instead will be commuting in an old Ford Escort.
Things could be better, but I'm having the time of my life.


I have no idea how to describe how I felt when The Girl played this for me....

The best Christmas present I've ever had.

Well these are strange days. We're living in today. C'est la vie I say.

I have no idea what the next few weeks will bring.

Things are still up in the air for the most part, but one thing I do know for sure....Tomorrow is my last day at work.
No more wearing suits. No more shirt and tie. No more siny shoes.
No more nice company car either, but hey.....it was a perk of the job.

The one thing I'm ready for is finishing work. Everything else is still very unsure, but that said, I don't have one regret at all about leaving that place. I might be unsure about a lot of things in my life, but resigning from there was the best thing I could have done.

Being technically unemployed now means I can enjoy the Christmas break the way it should be enjoyed. I'm gonna be spending time with my friends, my family and The Girl.
Who could ask for more.

I realise how lucky I am at this time of year. Putting all the niggly crap behind, I always find myself remembering that there are many people out there in unfortunate positions. People out there who have nothing.
As usual, I shall be raising my glass to those people, to wish them good health and good luck.

Did you know that if all the Countries stopped buying arms and spending money on developing nuclear weapons, we could feed the hungry and give the right medice to every single person in this world.

Happy Christmas x

So I sing a song to reel them in. It's a song I've sung before and a song I'm gonna sing again.

So, is it considered wrong if somebody was to go down on a girl, with chewing gum in their mouth.
Hypothically speaking or course.

Well, it was either that or a long post about how crap I'm feeling at the moment.

Feel the heat pushing you to decide. Feel the heat burning you up, ready or not.

My secret mission is over.

The second day of training for me in the guise of my Boss, Third Time Lucky went pretty well. One of the trainers has already given me a knowing nod and a wink when I'm saying stuff. He knows I've done the course before. I don't think he quite realises that I'm there pretending to be somebody else. Although as an amusing parting thought, the other trainer stood at the door as we all left. As I was walking past him, he remarked that he looks forward to seeing me again because he will be "in our neck of the woods" in two weeks time.
I hope he thinks I'm Third Time Lucky. How great would it be to be a fly on the wall when he actually meets the proper one.

This afternoon there was actual contact between myself and my Mortgage Company. Whilst I was kind of expecting a swift and polite "fuck off", the guy looked at my application and said he could see no problems with it and it should all go through over the next few days. Unless....unless I get a phone call in the meantime telling me there's a problem.
What kind of answer is that? I wanted a simple yes or no, but no. Too much for them to be so plain and simple. It's more of a 'build your hopes right up, but then kinda dangle a razor sharp knife over your head, held on by a tiny thread....that's chaffing' kind of answer.
I couldn't help but look on the positive side of things though. After all, he'd pretty much confirmed everything was ok.
Back into the training session I went, with....and I can't help but say it....a smile on my face. For the simple reason that I would never have to endure any more of this Company crap anymore. Every now and then I would glance around and wave them all goodbye with my imaginary hand.

Unfortunately, when we took an afternoon break I checked my mobile. 2 missed calls, 2 ansafone messages all within 15 minutes of me last talking with my Mortgage Company. The internal beam didn't last very long, as the ansafone messages were delivering news of doom. They wont lend me all that I need, only 3/4 of it.

This isn't enough.
This just isn't gonna be enough.

The whole plan has been put in jeapardy, all because some twat didn't think my house was worth a measly 2 1/2 grand more.
Bollocks.

Tonight, I've spent the best part of 3 hours adding things up, taking things away, forcasting, budgeting, streamlining, compensating, pre planning, worrying, panicking, breaking into a sweat, turning pale....
And my conclusion....?

I'm stoned.
But from where I'm sitting, in the words of Gene Wilder in Young Frankenstein....

"It....Could....Work!"

Todays episode of someguyonajourney was brought to you by the word "stoned", so don't do it kids.
Especially not with potential life changing decisions!

You're answering questions that have not yet been asked . All sparks will burn out in the end .

Day one in disguise is over.

And so endeth the first of two training days, with me in the guise of my Boss 'Third Time Lucky'.
It appears that I've already done this course, with the same two trainers too, so I'm kinda popular at the moment 'cos I know most of the answers. They all probably think I'm a bit of a swot, but hey, shame for Third Time Lucky, huh.
Luckily we haven't had to listen to typical trainer speak, "Lets try to think outside of the box", "It's not a problem, it's an opportunity" or "Now we're not here to teach anybody to suck eggs".

There's about 30 of us on the course. I'm sat inbetween a guy who has no idea how bad his BO is and a guy who's been in this industry for 35 years. I've only done 3 and a half and already I have itchy feet. I don't know how somebody could endure that sort of time in this job, I really don't. He actually looked like he'd done 35 years in prison for something.

I'm still no wiser on if I'm gonna get this extra money I need. The silly buggers left an ansaphone message on my Mum's phone, so I didn't get it until a few days later. Since then I've left 2 messages for the woman to call me back because everytime I ring, she's unavailable. Needless to say, we've still not made 'contact'.

I just don't get it.
Everywhere we turn, it's money money money. TV adverts offering loans and mortgage extensions left right and centre. Promotional material sent through the post, magazine adverts and people who call you up to offer you loans. And people say the banks and building society's are gasping to throw people money.

Show me the money
Show
me
the
money.

To say I'm frustrated with it all is one thing, but all this delay and messing about on their part has all but convinced me that their decision is already "No".
I can't help being a pessimist. I think it runs in my genes.

Last night I dreamt that The Girl split up with me.
I can only remember some parts, but I can remember she used the excuse that it was because I didn't like the Top Gun soundtrack. I couldn't believe what I was hearing, but she completely went off on one about it.
I found out the real reason. One of the little people told me that she'd gone back to her ex boyfriend because he had a job and money. I presumsed that to also mean he had something to offer.
I remembering ringing my brother up to tell him and I was actually ashamed to tell him about my circumstances, so gave him the Top Gun excuse instead.

Dreams are so weird aren't they? What the hell am I supposed to read into that?

Don't waste your time on me, you're already the voice inside my head.

Another weekend almost over.

Old Father Time is a funny old bugger.
The days when you'd quite like to relax and enjoy, whizz by so quickly. The days that you'd rather see the back of sooner rather than later, seem to linger on through every....tedious.... minute. The time that fills the gap between you and your loved ones being together, gives the impression of being played in slow motion. Conversly, the time you spend being yourself with the people who allow this pleasure, swifty become memories over your shoulder.

My mum is out of the hospital already. The last time I saw her, she was pale, slow moving, in considerable pain and throwing up all over the place. When I saw her earlier, she was settling into the comforts of 'her chair' in their house, waddling around at a medium pace, has some colour back in her cheeks and there wasn't a projectile motion in sight.
All good then.
She's out, she's doing a lot better and in all the scheme of things (with all my own personal crap to deal with) she's made me realise (once again) that so long as your friends and loved ones are healthy, then everything else is just....'stuff'.

In 10 days, technically I will be unemployed. Not only that, but the way things are headed I'm probably gonna be disastrously broke as well. I can only hope that The Girl will be happy with an apple and a lump of wood as a Christmas present.

Blogger appears to be insisting I switch over to beta. Everytime I login, I'm now greeted with half a screen inviting me to 'make the change'. This must be what The Girl was going on about. First the insisting, then the 'auto switching'.
Oh dear.
Since updating my Firefox browser, my spell checker doedn't work. Anybody know why?

What I'm listening to right now, as I hit post:
Jennifer Lopez "I'm gonna be alright".
It's a remix y'all.

Take a look at what I took. A Leaf out of everybody else's book.

She's a fighter, my mum.

Seeing her throw up on Thursday night probably wasn't the best thing for me to witness.
Everybody thinks she's gonna be just fine.

The people who make the decisions about the money I need, appear to be thick.
It worries me that crucial decision makers in my life appear dumber than me.

I know that things are gonna be alright. I feel it.
But I also know that's the 'bedshaped a la stoned' talking.

As I slept last night....

Christmas evening.
The Girl's house, with her and I, her Mum, her brother and some little people.
She announced a 'special present' for me.
And with that,
she strolled over to the wall
to turn the lights down low.
Then continued until she was sat at her piano.
And she played.


I don't care what happens....This is gonna be the best Christmas I've had for a very long time.

If you're sick of evil knocking at your door. Throw up the love sign once and for ever more.

She knows
She would know
She feels
I hope.



My mum was due to go into hospital tomorrow for an operation.
Earlier tonight, they phoned to ask her to go in tonight. They have a bed available and want her in as soon as possible. She's penciled in for the op tomorrow morning and (so we've been told) should expect to stay in for the next five days on recovery.
People are saying it's a routine operation and it's all precautionary, but five days seems a little extreme for 'a routine operation'. Then again, I'm no doctor.

My boss, Third Time Lucky, asked me into his office earlier today. I thought this might be the "Please don't leave. What can we do to make you stay" talk, but alas it wasn't. As a Main Dealer, we are governed by our Parent Company to have staff attend a certain amount of training courses throughout the year to keep in line with what they call "Dealer Standards". Failure to comply means a hefty fine for The Company, in some cases running into thousands of pounds.
Third Time Lucky is due to attend a course on Monday and Tuesday of next week to comply with said standards and has been told that failure with result in a fine to our Dealership of £80,000.
This conversation was to tell me that his boss, JB, is out of the country from the end of this week until Wednesday of next week, therefore making it almost impossible for him to attend. Apparently our Parent Company wont take "I can't attend" for an excuse, so he's asked me to go in his place. Not as me, but as him.
Yes. I'm to attend a training course in the guise of Third Time Lucky to get him out of the shit and ultimately to save The Dealership an £80,000 fine.
He's promised to 'look after me' and being in such a desperate financial situation, I have agreed.
Those two days should be interesting!

The guy who holds much of my impending doom future in his hands came and went on Monday morning within 20 minutes. His findings are to be passed onto my Mortgage Company and presumably they will call me with their decision in the next couple of days.
Needless to say, what with my mum's impending operation and the decision on my future being delivered in the next few days, I'm on edge.

I'm trying to hold my head above water and sink my thoughts into other things.
The Blagger is (alegedly) coming round tomorrow evening for one of his "Man Chats" and Smiler, who works on Service Reception has also expressed an interest in joining in the 'fun'.
It could get dirty!

In other news....Any music fans who come across this place are cordially invited to jump over to The Auditorium, which is a music blog currently featuring discussions and posts on the new Faithless Album, Damien Rice's latest realease, Jarvis Cocker's new album and the controversial subject of 'secret tracks', a Tom McRae gig (or not, as girlonatrain puts it), the latest Amy Winehouse album and Girls Aloud, amongst other things.
Please feel free to give it a whirl and leave some comments and opinions.

Thank you.

Tell me a joke and I will love you. Pour me a drink and I'm yours.

The next few days are critical for me.

Tomorrow I have somebody coming to value my house. I'm not moving, just trying to free up some of this 'equity' that everybody else seems to have but apparently I might not have.
His decision will be crucial if I am to break away from the 'Rat Race' of working for a Company and lining everybody else's pockets and making a go of it for myself.
Wednesday, my mum goes into hospital for an operation and we're told she will be likely to stay in for five days to recover.
So yeah, to say I have a lot on my mind is a slight understatement.

Not wanting to wallow in my own self-pity on here, instead I am reminiscing about the gig I went to on Thursday night....The Magic Numbers.
What a great band!


There's nothing outstanding about the two albums they've released so far, but as a live act, they simply ooze with good feeling. I've seen them live a few times now. Once as a support band for Elbow, then on a small tour of their own. Then again on another larger scale tour promoting their debut album, then again at the V Music Festival.



Thursday night was the best gig I've seen them do. To say they've come on leaps and bounds in their live delivery just doesn't do them justice. Their set list was second to none, beginning with two songs from the new album, then launching into the more familiar territory from their debut release. They even managed to embed a great little snatch of Kate Bush in the middle of one of their new songs.
*note* That was a snatch of Kate Bush, Not Kate Bush's snatch.

It was a great crowd and that always makes a huge difference. The band were in good spirits, with the lead singer, Romeo, announcing on more than one occasion that they were up for a "fucking great night". They delivered, the crowd delivered and everybody went home a happy bunny.


Visually, they are as far removed from your 'typical looking band' as you could get, but in my eyes that just makes them all the more interesting. They come in for some criticism in the press for being overweight and touted as a 'frumpy band' but who the hell cares?! The music is the important thing surely and that's exactly where they hit the spot. The fact that some people see them as needing to lose a few pounds doesn't and shouldn't matter and just goes to show what a shallow society we live in nowadays.

Two support bands warmed the crowd up nicely. While they were playing, The Numbers could be seen enjoying their support slots from a balcony just behind, stage left. During The Magic Numbers final song, the support bands came down and joined them onstage, plugging in a various array of instruments and jamming away until Romeo finally attempted to end the song. I came away with a glow in my insides having been witness to a thoroughly enjoyable night of live music.
Quite simply....that's how it should be done.

With that said, I'm now off to begin shitting myself and could possibly be a little vacant for a while.

Spend your time asking everyone else's permission. Then run away and hide.

Shock Horror....Britney Spears has a pussy!

Earlier today at work, somebody mentioned Britney Spears. In passing comment, I mentioned about all the pictures on the internet showing her out and about with her new best pal Paris Hilton. Of course, when you party with Paris, apparently it's customary to not wear any underwear.
I felt a little like Brian in Monty Python's Life Of Brian, where he talks about nonsense and yet a crowd of people congregate around him, listening intently.

I had nothing profound to say.
Just that I'd seen the pictures of Britney's pussy as she clumsily exited a car, wearing a skirt but forgetting those all important knickers.

So what is it?
I just don't get it?

Ok, so she's famous and the media have previously touted her as one of the most beautiful girls on the planet. A claim I've never agreed with, I hasten to add. But so what?
Does that mean she has the most amazing looking pussy in the world? Is her under-carriage sweeter smelling, in better proportion and sooo much more attractive than any other girl on the planet?
I think not.
And that's not because I've studied the pictures and compared with others. It's simply because a pussy is a pussy is a pussy. Ok, some of them might look nicer than others but who determines what a 'nice pussy' looks like?
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, surely!

Anyway....I found it difficult to believe that I was the only person at work who'd seen these pictures. Apparently I was.
Guys were literally stood there with jaw half open, almost salivating at the though that Britney had exposed her 'goods' once and for all.
For fucks sake, what is the world coming to!

It all got a little out of hand when guys were literally throwing their email addresses at me, asking to be emailed said pictures tonight.

Ok, enough about pussy.

I made the all important phone call today.
It didn't go well, but then again at least my vision of being laughed at down the phone didn't come to fruition either.
Apparently I have to wait a few more days for a phone call, an appointment and then a decision.
A lot of my impending doom immediate future is resting on this decision.

And there was me thinking Mortgage Companies were literally falling over themselves to lend people money. Not so in my case, it seems.

So not such a good night for me then. I will probably get a little drunk on some filthy cheap wine tonight and drown my sorrows while listening to Damien Rice tell me about his failed relationships.
I should be listening to The Magic Numbers really, in preparation for seeing them play live tomorrow night.
Maybe a good gig night is just what the doctor ordered.

Slow down baby and don't act crazy.

Today I should have made a phone call.

I came up with every excuse in the book.
I was too busy.
I knew I would be on the phone for a while and had something else coming up.
The times I phoned, I sat there listening to hold music and a girl telling me how important my call was to them.
Three times.
Each time, I gave it 15 minutes before I hung up and used that as another pitiful excuse to not face the music.

I'm dreading the call.
I'm dreading the laughter and sniggering.
I'm dreading the rejection.

Tomorrow....

It doesn't matter, It never really mattered at all.

Being at work is weird.

On one side of the coin it appears to be causing me more grief than usual.
On the other, I can smile at the thought of having this become a memory.
In the future.

JB avoids eye contact and only managed a grunt when I said "good morning" to him.
My immediate boss, Third Time Lucky seems to want to avoid the subject.
The other sales people just keep patting me on the back with their envy.

I have a big week ahead.
This could be a milestone to cross with regards to my future.
Any kind of future.

My future may be a little quakey....uncertain....
But I can't help from smiling inside and telling myself that I've made one of the best decisions in my life.
And above everything else....my heart is in a good place.
A safe place.

Woke up for the first time, the animals were gone. It's left this house empty now, not sure I belong.

Technically....I am unemployed.

But not unemployable.
There is a difference.

It's probably not the best thing, that I've just checked my finances and find that I'm already less than a hundred pounds from going over my overdraft limit.

That little voice that was telling me I was stupid, is now shouting and pointing.

'Cos if at first you don't succeed, dust yourself off and try again.

Tonight, I've typed out my resignation.

I told my Manager just over a week ago that my intentions were to leave the Company before the end of the year. Tomorrow, when I take this letter in, it will be made official.

I'm not quite sure how I feel.
I am leaving a good job, in respects of earning money (when the time is right). I still have a mortgage to pay, bills to clear and have something left to be able to eat. Leaving a job, with nothing to go to and all the responsibility I have may seem like nuts.
It's something I have to do.

I will take at least 7 days off over Christmas, the first time in over 10 years and hopefully start out on *insert new career here* in the new year.

Everything about my future is hanging in the balance.
I'm riding the numbers.
I gambling my hand.
I'm tossing those die. (is it die or di or even dice?)

Above all else, there's one thing I'm sure about.

Leave me out with the waste, this is not what I do.

I went to the movies Sunday night.

I watched "Saw III", but that's not important.
Movie trailers....
With every movie trailer, you get a voice. Well, not so much a voice, more of a the voice. It's a guy, it's deep and it's mean and it's moody.
I can't think of any film trailer I've seen that's had a girls voice over it. Telling us that this is "the film of the year", or what happened to the kids hitch-hiking when they took a wrong turn, or how it became one man's mission to free his name after being turned on by his own Company.

Why is this such a male dominated area?
I wouldn't be offended to watch a movie trailer with a girl voice over on it. Who would? Would it make such a difference to the trailer, having a female voice giving us the low down that we wouldn't want to go see that film?

I find the whole subject of movie trailer voice overs quite fascinating at the moment. Mind you, I've had a smoke.

Lights go out, the walls come tumbling down.

So when does the Honeymoon Period end?

When two people come together, however it's happened and embark on a relationship, it's well know to be what's known as The Honeymoon Period. That time period thought on as "wonderful", "magical", "amazing" and all those other sickly phrases.
Other people....friends and family must get sick of 'the partner' often being the topic of conversation. Especially when they are talking about something else but somehow the loved up person always manages to swing the subject matter around to their partner and their "wonderful" relationship.

This Honeymoon Period seems to have no rules. Sometimes it can last a week, sometimes a month, sometimes longer. And what defines the end of the swooning period?
Is it when you realise they have bad habits that you find annoying? You may have been suspicious about the dirty underwear lying around on the floor those couple of times, only to be lovingly forgiving when your partner explains it's not normally in their character.
Is it when they begin to show you traits of their true persona that they'd previously kept under wraps?
Is it when they don't call you as often, don't give you a huge hug when you see each other or would rather reach for the remote control instead of reaching for your hand?

Everybody is different, that much is plainly obvious. So then would it be reasonable to assume that for each person in the relationship, the end of the Honeymoon Period appears at different times.
And then what?

I found a place where we can boogie.

Alone at The Girl's house....

Oh the opportunity and possibilities!
In true 'creepy guy' style, I could be rummaging through her knicker drawer, prancing around her house naked, poking my nose into places where it doesn't belong or hell, I could even have a wank over the pillow she will be resting her head on tonight.
My 'creepy guy' genes appear to be missing as usual, so instead I've done the washing up, made the bed, cleaned out the particularly smelly 'presents' left by her cat in the litter tray, made myself a coffee and sat patiently on her PC until after 9am, when tickets for Damien Rice went on sale.

Today has started off well.
Good Karma appears to be coming my way for a change.

So do what you must do to find yourself. Wear another shoe, paint my shelf.

Some people at work appear to know I'm leaving.
So much for starting the conversation "Please keep this to yourself for the time being".

Muse saved me from a highly monotonous week.
Everything came together last night.

Damien Rice has made me cry tonight.

My journey has come to a point.
Crossroads.
Junctions.
Options.

What about me?

I've got my bags packed baby and I'm ready to go. Look at my eyes, rock steady, I promise you more.

I hate selling cars.

Consequently, sometime this afternoon I hi-jacked Third Time Lucky's (my boss) office and told him that even though it's not official yet....I'm aiming to leave before the end of the year. A lengthy conversation followed, climaxing with a handshake from him and wishing me luck with whatever I'm gonna do.
So what am I gonna do?
I'm not 100% sure yet. Not sure if I'm ever gonna be, but lots of things are pointing in the same direction.

No more suits, thank fuck. No more working every Saturday and most Sundays. No more having to answer to people above me. No more having to take shit for other people.

Last night I went to see Howard Marks at the Jongleurs club. I've not read his first book yet (it's next in the pile), but I've seen his DVD and he caught my attention. Not because of the obvious drugs connection, but because of his life. The guy has lived an amazing life!

Tomorrow night, I'm going to see Muse play live.
I've never seen them before, so I'm really excited about this one. I think they've played at 2 of the music festivals I've been to, but there must have been somebody else playing at the same time.
The Blagger is coming with me this time. At the beginning of the year, he'd never been to a gig before. That changed when I took him to see The Strokes. Then I moulded him a little with Radiohead at a small venue and now....now he's ready for an Arena style gig. He loves Muse, so it's gonna be a great night.

In work related news, I found out today that our afternoon receptionist, Posh Wannabe, has sent a picture of her 'topless' to the Big Boss, JB. Apparently she's also showed said picture to Sniffer and Third Time Lucky. What kind of girl is that? She has so many characteristics that I really don't like in a girl.
Saturday morning Mr Happy got fired.
Monday morning, his replacement starts.

What kind of fuckery are we? Nowadays, you don't mean dick to me!

Bling has been to visit tonight.

It's been like a breath of fresh air blown through my sullen thoughts.

I'm gonna sleep on it, but everything we talked about made sense.
I just need a little more time.
Of course, there's always the raising of the funds issue, but hey, I can only try, right?

It's funny to think that I'm trouble with my financial side already, then there's me considering getting into even more trouble.
What's that saying....?
"You have to speculate to accumulate".

Nothing has changed in my physical life. My shit money situation is still there, I miss The Girl terribly and work is still uber shit. And yet I feel....feel kind of liberated in a strange way. Like my senses are coming together and I'm actually seeing something different, something purposeful, something rewarding.
Attractive.

Amy Winehouse.
She's got my attention.

You know it's now or never, take a chance on rock and roll.

That's how crap I felt last night....
I ate an entire Terrys Chocolate Orange.

I like to be the one doing favours, not calling them in.
I've not given it the respect it deserves, nay, demands.
And it leaves me feeling vunerable.

I've had a couple of smokes and I'm wallowing in the nostalgic sounds of Boston.
Boston for fucks sake!

9 hours at work today felt more like 20.
Everything in Twin Peaks mode.
Tales of woe, spins of yarn.
And it leaves me so disinterested.

I like to dream about handing him that letter.
Watching his eyes bounce along the lines.
The Dear John.
The goodbye.

Aah, some Depeche Mode. Just in time too. I was about to 'air guitar' myself to death.
Some sanity returns, albeit temporarily.

Show me a way to the exit. Look at my hands, see them shaking.

The good times never last.

I get back home from spending time with The Girl to find my house alarm going off. I don't know how long it had been going off for, only the lights were flashing, there was no no audible alarm. This has happened before a couple of times. It's very daunting when I open the front door, disable the alarm and peek around the door to see what I fear the most.
All I can tell is that it's zone 1, which is the front door. I presume it's the post that gets picked up by the sensor.

Amongst the letters were a few from my bank.
Oh joy!
It appears I am in arrears. I waved bye bye to my overdraught limit a good few days ago and have been sailing into penalty city ever since.
I hate money. I hate the fact that it's such an easy thing to worry about and yet....in all things real, it's so insignificant.
Whoever said "money is the root of all evil" was pretty close.

Oh, and my mum has to go into hospital for an operation. She's on "urgent" status....whatever that means.

It appears that it doesn't matter how great your weekend was, there's always somebody close by, who's ready to piss on your chips.

Baby if I act like that, flipping my blond hair back. Push up my bra like that, I don't wanna be a stupid girl.

I am at The Girl's house.
Oh the cheek of it!
Whilst she is upstairs taking a shower, here I sit frantically hitting the keys in (hopefully) the correct order, so when she comes back downstairs, she will be none the wiser.

Already today, I have been treated to a birthday cake. My birthday is tomorrow, but time constraints have meant the cake was baked, the "happy birthday" song was sung and slices were distributed a day early.
Nobody has ever made me a cake before. Not only that, but so far I have concluded that it doesn't contain untraceable poison considering I am still alive 3 hours post consumption.
The little voice in my head is saying, "Give it another 6 months and you will be sleeping with one eye open!"

In a few minutes, we will be getting ourselves all smartened up to travel into the city centre to watch Pink play live. Again, a little premature for my birthday, but attempts to persuade Pink to postpone the concert until tomorrow didn't get past her Management.
I've never seen her live before. At previous music festivals, she's always clashed with somebody else who's been even slightly more appealing.
That said, I'm really looking forward to watching her sing her little heart out and my fingers are crossed for some scantily clad dancers bumping and grinding. Oh come on....who can resist a bunch of fit guys in hotpants throwing shapes?!

Edit:

Pink was fantabulous!

She put on real show, with dancers, a huge stage, a great light show, gymnastics in the air and hit after hit after hit. I don't think I quite realised just how much I liked Pink.
I overlooked the lack of guys in hotpants as her dancers....quite soon after I had a peek of her boob when she lent over....just a little too much!
Energetic dancing, lots of costume changes and the things she and her dancers did in the air, being suspended by what looked like strips of ribbon, was just amazing. The hits kept coming and the whole show keeps it's pace really well. There was a short moment in the middle where she, her two backing singers and her guitarist (who loved himself, tossing his long wavy hair), took to stools and attempted a 'campfire songs' type of thing. It didn't work for me. When you've got a huge fuck off stage, kick ass dancers and a lighting show that puts Blackpool Illuminations to shame, a 'quiet, intimate' moment with the audience just doesn't seem to work.

The evening was a success!
Apart from missing the last tram home, but hey, let's not talk about that.
The Pink concert was great, I got to eat birthday cake, baked that very day! I spent time with people that I love being with and The Girl looked absolutely stunning.

A painter paints pictures on canvas, but musicians paint their pictures on silence

Like music?

There's a new music blog in town. A place for music fans to congregate, read about music and post their thoughts and opinions.
It will only really work if people participate, so if you like music then please feel free to visit the place. It would be nice to see some familiar faces there.
Oh and spread the word. That's always a good idea.

TheAuditorium

No it's not so pleasant and it's not so conventional. And it sure as hell ain't normal, but we deal, we deal.

This is an overhead plan of where I work.
Click to make biggy wiggy.

I sit at Desk 2.
Note the inclusion of the infamous coffee machine on the far right.
Loop Loo sits behind me at Desk 1. 3rd Time Lucky's assistant sits at Desk 3, in front of me. Then there's Sniffer at Desk 4 and Mr Happy at Desk 5. Reception has either the Nutty Girl or Posh Wannabe, depending on morning or afternoon.

A more detailed version of all this is here.

Give me envy, give me malice, give me your attention. Give me envy, give me malice, baby, give me a break!

I have taken The Girls virginity.
Well, in 'going to gigs' terms anyway.

On Thursday evening we went to see Sandi Thom play live. Ok, so were running a little late. Thanks M6 traffic jams!!! I wasn't worried, being a bit of a gig veteran.
The Girl, "What time does it say again? I'm sure it's 7. Why am I thinking 7?"
bedshaped, "Doors open at 7. nothing will happen until about 9, I'm sure."
There was me thinking....hmmmmm, only one album out, she'll probably do a couple of new songs and maybe a cover version....she'll wanna finish about half 10....so I think we're well safe with 9.

So we exit the tram about half eight, ish. Off we walk, down the busy road towards what we think is the venue. The clue is right there in that sentence....got it?
We walk around....we walk some more....we think we've found it.....we ask someone.....they point us in a certain direction.....the doorman chuckles, tells us to go upstairs into the bar and ask somebody up there....nice huh....retracing our steps, we end up back at 'the posh entrance'....the guy in the kiosk already knows what we're gonna ask....he jokes about how far it is, gives us directions and off we go....again....some 20 minutes later, we arrive.
Small place. Nice and intimate. Although it's a bitch trying to get served at the bar, our saving grace being The Girls idea to spread her coat out on the bar to attract their attention. It worked!
She sounded great. She played guitar with passion. I like to see passion. She honked on the old harmonica and she played some keyboards. Her band looked like a bunch of 'wasters' who she'd found squatting in her flat, but they were tight. The drummer/percussionist was particularly good. From lack of material, we were indeed treated to every track off her album, a couple of new songs and blazing cover of Gnarls Barkley's "Crazy". Oh yes!
Intimate....Good sound....great voice and some fantastic vibes in the whole place.

On the bedshaped rating scale, I'd give the gig a Triceratops.
And deservedly so.

This weekend, I witnessed something amazing. I witnessed a fast food outlet, quite simply living up to....nay! Surpassing the words....Fast and Food.
Subway in The Trafford Centre was something to be in awe about. And I was. In fact, it was almost a scary experience.
A human conveyor-belt of order taking, prep, extras, payment and completion in unbelievable motion. It was almost a blur how quickly they 'processed' our order.

In other news, I won a teddy, I've spent far too much money this week, I've eaten loads of crap, spent 6 hours in a car, my house is a mess, my fridge is empty, I'm going to see Pink next weekend and The Girl loves me.

Threw your Lego in the lake, why'd you wanna go do that for.

Where do birds go when they die?

Well, apparently....my back garden.
This morning whilst waiting for the familiar confirmation 'click' from my kettle, signalling the first coffee of the day, I glanced outside and noticed a dead bird on the path outside.
Not being a budding Bill Oddie, the only conclusion I could draw from the dead bird was that it was indeed dead. And large.
Stood in the kitchen, coffee and cigarette in hand, I paused at this new dilemma facing me. What am I going to do with it? The way I see it, I had three choices. I could wrap it up in a bag and dispose of it in my bin. I could throw it over the fence at the end of my garden and let nature take it's cause. I could bury it.
The bin option is too heartless for me to undertake, so that one's out. Letting nature take it's cause is probably the 'nicest' option but I didn't feel comfortable shuffling the lifeless thing on my shovel and then launching it over the fence. Besides, I was a little worried what the neighbours might say if they say me doing such a thing. I settled on the last option....burial. It felt like the right thing to do.
It's pissing down with rain, so the last thing you expect to see is somebody in their back garden digging a hole. The wind was howling, the rain falling down in sheets and that almost sinister sound of a shovel digging into the earth, ringing in the air. I felt bad....naughty....almost sinister. If either of the neighbours saw me, I wonder what they thought.
I'm almost half expecting a knock on the door, being greeted by police who want to excavate my garden, looking for 'remains'.
I really do read too much true crime stuff.

And if a double-decker bus crashes into us. To die by your side is such a heavenly way to die.

I may be allergic.

She sat next to me, so I stroked her. I mean....who wouldn't.
She made yummy noises, shuffling and swaying her body in line with my strokes.
I definitely heard purring!

Not long after, my eye was really sore. I must have rubbed it sometime and it felt like somebody had been beating my eye with stinging nettles. I could feel swelling, I could feel redness, I could feel a sharp pain when I blinked, which I couldn't help doing. A pain like razor blades sewn into my eye-lids.
Not nice.


Note to self:
Maybe stroking The Girl's pussy isn't such a good idea in future.

I love rock and roll, so put another dime in the jukebox, baby.

Work has been uber shit today.
*Sigh*

Does it matter?
Does it fuck!

Checklist:

Shower - check
Careful selection of clothes - check
Going commando - check
Tickets - check
Money - Get on the way
Change of t-shirt and deodorant for after the gig - check
Confirmation that the gig isn't cancelled - check
Something to eat - check
Meeting point with Pandy and Blue - check
One small spliff before I leave - check
Good tunes ready for the journey - check

Fuck it, let's go.

More later....

....

Ok, so not long back.
I have that familiar 'duff' sound in my ears, accompanied by the ringing.

The Delays were good. I half expected them to be really brilliant, but they were just....good.
We missed the first support band. Well, just after entering the building, we heard the end of their last song.
Oh well.

I think I may have seen Embrace live too many times now. They were great, but I just didn't get that familiar excitement when I saw them on stage. Even though we were so close.

The sound guy needs shooting for the crap balances he had through the first four songs. Danny could hardly be heard, Richie's guitar was way too loud and everything got drowned out by the drums. Shame too, 'cos their first few songs were great choices.
Choice for the rest of the set list failed to ignite me to be honest. Some of the older favourites were there, but really....did we need 5 tracks off the latest album and 2 brand new songs! I'm all for plugging their latest releases (hell, that's their job) and throwing in the occasional new song, but the uneven setlist made for a lack of 'flow' to the whole gig.
They didn't play my favourite song, they never do. But they did do some blinding versions of some stuff I've not heard them play before.
Danny was doing lots of interaction with the audience, as he normally does. Cracking unfunny jokes, as he normally does. But he sang really well, when we could eventually hear him. Ok, so not the strongest male vocals in the world, but singing live, he really does come out better.

All in all, I really enjoyed tonight. The bands were good, the music was there and I felt good.
It's just what the doctor ordered.
Or indeed, the nurse.


And if I had to rate it, I'd give it a fish.

And if at first you find you can't imagine, how good can heal when you've got nothing worth healing.

Embrace and I have a strange relationship.

I've followed them since their first album. Back in the day when Danny, the lead singer, could be heard in the media saying they were gonna be bigger than Oasis. Of course, the Gallagher brothers just laughed it off.
I thought their first album "The Good Will Out" was great. A few months after the release and most guys could be heard humming one of their anthemic tunes. Things were looking good.
So what happened....?
Well, Embrace for me, never got anywhere past the 'consistently average' status. There was nothing amazing about them, but then again, they were better than 'mediocre'. It's difficult for me to put my finger on it.
The good thing about it is, they seem fine being at their status quo. They don't hog the media limelight and don't seem to want to be one of the biggest British bands around at the moment, a la Razorlight, Kasabian et al.

So, by being constantly average has held them in good stead, for me anyway. Whilst not delivering albums of pure quality and genius, they have provided very listenable 45 minute collections.
There is one thing though. Live, they are in their element. I can't think of many bands that I've seen who have been such a huge improvement, when I've seen them live. Danny's voice (weak as it is on their recorded stuff) is 10 times better when they play live. He always wears a smile when he's up there on stage too. I like that. It's watching people who love music....play music. And play it well.

Wednesday night, I will be there in the depths of the crowd, no doubt singing my head off, waving my arms in the air and quite possibly jumping around for the up tempo songs. Apparently there are two support bands. I'm sure The Delays are one of them, but I haven't seen anything about who the second support is, unless there isn't one.

Cramped spaces,
fighting for air.
Elbows in my back,
little space to share.

That sweaty body smell,
creeping up my nose.
Stand on my toes,
get off my toes!

Pushing and shoving,
fight for the views.
Pre tension warm up,
might blow a fuse.

Lights fall to darkness
no one in sight.
Then the silhouettes, the intro,
and everything's right.


The car park is expensive, the beer is over priced, but the music will soar.
And that's what makes it all worthwhile.

In the interests of keeping things topical, I've updated my MP3's on the right hand sidebar thingy.

All you good, good people listen to me. You`re just about done with the way that you feel .

I've been in such a good mood today.

Surprising, considering work has been a bucket of shit.

But I can't stop smiling.

I'm going to see Embrace play on Wednesday night. Apparently they are supported by The Delays, which is good news because I really like them.

That's not the reason why I've been smiling.
She knows.

There's more, but I've had a smoke....

I heard the news today, all about your new disease.

In the news recently:

Some mega rich guy is reportedly going to 'lose' half of his £11 billion empire in his divorce.
Prince Harry disappears with his girlfriend for 8 minutes.
Paris Hilton, once again flashes her knickers in public.
Lottery jackpot winner goes back to work.
New Borat movie set to outrage even more countries.
Bridget Jones's big knickers fail to sell on Ebay.

And I wonder, if the news reported starvation, death, hunger, homelessness and poverty on a daily basis, with such prominence....I wonder if the world might just be a better place because more people would actually want to do something about it.

Will he offer his me his jaws. Will he offer me his hunger....?

Things are strange at work.

Currently we have two people off on holiday.
There's a big sale weekend coming up.
I'm told we are advertising for a new salesperson.
The rumours are, either we will move one guy (Sniffer) into dedicated used cars, or we will keep things as they are and sack somebody.
Oh the joys of working for my Company!

The problem of no sound on the movie downloads appears to have been solved (thanks to The Girls' brother), so tonight, I've watched the movie Karla.
I'm not sure how I feel, to be honest.
I know quite a lot about the case, this knowledge has gone against me.
Maybe too much.
Anyway....it was ok.
As a stand alone movie, it was ok. As a movie that depicts the story as the truth....well, I just don't buy it. Of course it's my own opinion, but the movie shows the whole story very one sided.

No updates until after the weekend now, 'cos I'm gonna be spending time with The Girl over the next few days.
This just in though....I've had an idea....

Touch me in the morning and last thing at night.

I won a prize!

Over at swisstoni's, I won a prize for spotting him in a crowd of people.
Go me!
I may have cheated a little.
A little jiggery pokery aside, when I arrived back from work, via a D.I.Y shop, a package was waiting for me. Upon opening, I was greeted with this:


I've never won anything before, so a mug is as good as anything. Although I missed out on the t-shirt. Pah!
Practical- yes. Useful - yes. Attractive - I'll get back to you!
But the best thing about the prize was this:


And just how much fun do you think I can have with this stuff!!!

When I used to go out I would know everyone that I saw. Now I go out alone, if I go out at all.

Today I read about a guy who 'posted' himself out of jail.
His job inside, was repairing mail bags and one day he decided to sew himself into one. He mixed himself (somehow) within the other mail bags on a pallet, which was dutifully shrink wrapped, loaded onto a truck and driven out of the prison.
You have to applaud the guy for ingenuity. Although he is now a fugitive on the run and was inside for double murder, so his only redemption would be to turn himself in and explain it was just all just a joke. Along with their security system, apparently.

I'm a virgin when it comes to downloading movies. It appears I can get the film ok (three times now), but there's no sound. I've discovered I am missing a codec and even though I've searched the net and found the one it tells me I need, it makes no difference. I even downloaded some 'tools' which are supposed to help me around this problem, but even they are saying I'm missing things. So I've now downloaded this movie three times, all without being able to hear any sound. And to add insult to injury, I have acquired a program called 'G Spot' which seems to be playing arseholes when I try to uninstall it.
I'll probably try again a couple of times before I end up asking a guy at work to obtain me a copy *cough*. It's a last resort though because I know this will be a movie I only want to watch once. I wouldn't want to own a copy, even if it is only £3.

I've just received an email from "Hartley". I can get the idea of the contents from the title alone, which begins "You cumm very quickly and without any control". So, somebody is spreading rumours about me or Hartley can see through the gap in the curtains.
My inbox gets a little cluttered with spam nowadays. Telling me I've won the South African Lottery, offering me a job working from home, earning in excess of 50k a year, telling me my bank is updating its computer system and I should follow the link and submit my bank account details to them. And of course all the ones telling me I'm a failure at being a guy and my sex life is crap, or my wife has been caught cheating, or my penis is too small.
I wonder how many people actually fall for crap like this. Would these companies still bother to spam people if their scams weren't paying off? But surely there can't be anybody falling for the old "submit your bank details here" scam?
Can people really be that naive and gullible?

Last night, I dreamt that I was old. I couldn't even wipe my own arse, I had to ask somebody else to do it.
Not so much a dream then, more a nightmare.
I never want to end up like that. I can only hope that life treats me well and departs from me when I'm still able to fend for myself.

I'm coming down, coming down like a monkey, but it's alright. Like a load on your back that you can't see, but it's alright .

Events from the weekend.

I think I'm quite easy going.
That said, when it's time to meet 'family' of the person you're dating, isn't everybody a little....erm....shitting themselves?
I'm still coming to terms with the fact the F word is used in everyday vocabulary in front of her. If I let slip with that little gem in front of my mother, she'd probably grab the nearest book and swipe me over the head with it, followed by a "go and wash your mouth out" kinda thing.

A few things I didn't expect:

Here's the scene....The Girl, her mum and myself are chatting in the living room. Enter the dog who wanders over and then proceeds to lick the cats arsehole. Not done with causing such a scene, the cat decides to take the embarrassing factor to def con 1 one by gently rolling onto her back with legs akimbo. My attempts to avert my eyes and laugh it off were startled by comments about how that pussy enjoys a good licking (pun not intended).

Here's the scene:
The Girl and I are cuddling up on her bed (which happens to be in her living room at the moment), when her cat strolls by. Headed for the other room for one of two reasons. Food or to use the litter tray. No amount of praying appears to sway that cat from doing a dump to rival a 'delivery' from King Kong. Ok, so the cat needed to 'use the toilet', so to speak. No problem. I'm sure however, that the time and effort she spent covering the 'present' up wasn't required. To lighten the mood, as by this time we were both wearing that "oh that bloody cat" look on our faces, I (vocally) imagined the cat was building the mountain in Close encounters of the third kind.
Close encounters appears to be a passion killer.

I've met her brother a few times now. As much as I like the guy, I'm not sure I was ready to see his penis. Yes, some old photos came out and as usual, if there's a guy in the family, there always seems to be old pictures of him wandering around in the nude. I'm sure it's some kind of law or something. It's a conspiracy move by the parents, so they ultimate hold over their sibling, the fact that some time in the future, their partners will be shown 'the baby pictures'.

The Girl has expressed interest in seeing some old pictures of me, when I finally get around to introducing her to my folks. I did think about emailing my mum in advance, to threaten that if she didn't destroy all nude baby pictures of me, I would never speak to her again. However, we don't have a great relationship anyway, so no amount of threat from me would make her see pity.

For five minutes, I had a conversation with the guy on the other end of the phone about dips. To compliment our pizza and potato wedges, dips were required. I should have know better considering every type of dip I offered on the phone, his reply would be, "Yeah, yeah, it's no problem." Needless to say the pizza and wedges turned up, minus any dips. The guy who delivered is now under strict instruction that on his return to the shop, he should note my address and the fact that I am now owed some dips, not to mention the change he couldn't give me. Although I'm not holding my breath considering his reply was, "Yeah, yeah, it's no problem.".
Who sends a pizza delivery guy out on a Saturday night without any change?!?! Isn't that a basic rule for delivery guys?

I really enjoyed the weekend, even though I worked Saturday and today. I really like the fact The Girl is so close to her family. I think that's because I haven't got that closeness with my own.
I can't stop smiling.

I walk away with my dignity. You can't take that away from me.

Local news.

Here's some local news from the free newspaper I get pushed through the door every Wednesday.
Bear in mind I live in, what's probably best known as 'the middle area' of The UK. (tips hat to Ali).

Front page : Barry Killer Jailed!
The cold blooded killer of a much loved fundraiser has been sentenced to life behind bars.

3rd page : Drug Perv's Porn Stash.
A pervert who downloaded more than 2,000 pornographic pictures of children has been put behind bars for two years.

5th page : Bank Robber jailed - AGAIN.

9th page : Barber wins sexual harassment dispute.

10th page : Addict mother in knife assault.

12th page : Female 37, nearly new with no false bits, seeks male 35-45 with ever ready battery and doesn't tell lies! (Yeah, good luck with that one!)

18th page : Cliff Richard offer of tickets and travel to see him in Europe £249.95

19th page : The Leopard pub is under new management!

32nd page : VW Golf 1.4 5 door. 139,000 miles, dark blue, MOT - 05/07, tax 10/06, lovely condition throughout. £650 ono.

35th page : Pink king size bedframe including head & foot board £75 ono.



I love music.
Wanna know why?
'Cos it has this kind of effect....

I listened to the new Jamelia album tonight. All the way I was thinking "Oh dear" and then all of a sudden the album was finished. That terrible Stranglers sample....that awful Depeche Mode sample. I put it on repeat and gave it a few more listens. Now, I find every track addictive and think the album is a great result. The production is spot on, the mixes are great and her voice is as good as ever. At the moment, Jamelia is the UK equivalent of Beyonce in my opinion.
It's a great album, which I highly recommend.

I think I'm gonna get stoned.
No updates from until Saturday now 'cos I'm gonna be with The Girl. Le sigh.
Unless of course, I get a chance to post from hers without her knowing.
Muwahahahaha.

Your own....Personal ....Jesus.

I cannot believe that somebody who types in "guy taking a shit on a girls mouth" into the Yahoo Search engine, arrives here.
Not only that, but I'm the top of the list.

They must be so disappointed.

A long time ago, I found myself in the strange situation, stooping over a girl, while....

When I say shotgun, you say wedding. Shotgun....Wedding.

So, he got fired today.

Just after 1pm, our current Business Manager was called into JB's office with Third Time Lucky. Not 20 minutes later, he was off out the door, never to return. Except maybe to clear his desk. Already Third Time Lucky has been told he's seeking legal advice. I don't think it's gonna get him anywhere, he's been a very naughty boy.

What is about guys who can any kind of D.I.Y.? How come most of them can pick up a hammer, a screw driver, a drill, nails, screws, chisels, whatever and 'make good' whatever is wrong. Not only that, but they seem to have a cunning knack to be able to improve things. I just don't get it. I can barely botch my way through even the simplest of tasks.
Yep, when God (or whoever it was) made guys and injected them with D.I.Y. competency skills, he kinda missed me out. I think I must have got a double dose of 'being in touch with your feminine side' instead.
Thus, tonight I am faced with a skirting board half hanging off, the wrong size nails and several useless pieces that looked perfect when I was cutting them to size. And I've broken a fucking nail!

Loving, loving, loving the Panic At The Disco album. How the hell did I let this one slip through for so long. It's an absolute gem.

Most recent 'Anonymous' phone call to my mobile was this morning, just after 4 am. Who the hell is awake at 4am, never mind awake enough to make an anonymous call!

The track listing for The Killers new album is still baffling me. It even feels like it's in the wrong order.
My next gig is Embrace in just over 2 weeks time. I can't wait, although I need to give their latest album another few listens as no doubt they will be plugging that to death. The last time I saw them play, Danny, the lead singer jumped down from the stage, climbed up the crush barriers right in front of me and held onto my hand to keep his balance. How amazing is that! I can remember the moment well, but do you think I can remember which song he sung? Can I fuck!

It's way past my bedtime and I have long hours tomorrow. Oh joy. We also get to meet the new Business Manager. How convenient!

In other news, I've started to eat breakfast.
Little steps, huh.

What a drag it is, the state I'm in....

The Killers - Sams Town.

The album has an intro in the form of "Enterlude" and an outro in the form of "Exitlude", which is fine, but then they throw a spanner in the works by having the intro "Enterlude" as the second track. The title track opens the album, then we get the 'intro'. What's that all about?

I'm still giving it 'the listen' but on the 3rd or 4th spin, it sounds pretty good. Not as 'instant' as Hot Fuss, but it's certainly growing on me. This is a good sign.

Tomorrow, our Business manager gets fired.
I've known about this since the beginning of last month. Tomorrow, he gets fired. The next day, we have a new Business manager starting.
Somehow, that all seems wrong to me.

A bird shit on my head today. Who on earth ever said that was good luck?!

I was party to a conversation earlier at work. The guy was telling how, on their friends last night before his wedding, they all put together and took him to a seedy brothel. He went red faced as he chuckled through the story of how ugly all the girls were, but his friend was so drunk, he wasn't fussy. I didn't get to hear the punchline, even if there was one because I went out the back for a cigarette. Stories like that get me wound up for too many reasons.
Breathe.
Breathe.

There's lots of things goin on in my life right now. Some good, some indifferent, some great and some shit. The important thing for me is that the one great thing is something that can overpower all the others.
It will all come together, one day.

Like the late, great Bill Hicks said, "Life is just a ride."

New songs available for free download, yes free, on the right hand side.