Sunday, May 22

I got exactly what I asked for. Wanted it so badly. Running, rushing back for more. I suffered fools so gladly.

Sometimes....I feel like I'm living in a world that nobody else will understand.
And it's not because I don't try to help people understand.
I try, and try, and try.
Am I really so different.
Am I really so impossible to fathom out.

I'm not unhappy in my life. I constantly remind myself how lucky I am, strive to see the best in other people and move forward each day knowing that I am the person who makes the most significant difference in my life. So I life my life the way I want to, and if other people flutter in and out with a certain amount of connection, touching me in some way then all the better.
But why are people so fucking judgemental. And ultimately such a disappointment.

I don't care if you are straight, gay or bi. I don't care if you are religious, politically driven or a dope smoking hippy. I don't care what colour skin you have, what turns you on or how many people you have slept with. I don't care if you're a vegetarian, eat with your mouth open or secretly stash chocolate under your mattress. I don't care what your musical preferences are, what you look like when you dance or if you are tone deaf. I don't care if you're financially stable, in serious debt or have trouble holding down a job. I don't care if you stare through people's windows, imagine people naked or flirt unconsciously.

People are beautiful.
I just wish you truly understood that.

Sunday, May 15

Tell me, what did you expect? Have you got no self respect? Reputation to protect? Soon, you'll be a nervous wreck.

A few days ago, my parents told me about their shock and devastation when they found out that my brother and his wife are alcoholics.
The signs have always been there and I always thought my folks were more switched on than they obviously are. My dad seems to be taking it the hardest. Hmmmm, hardest may be the wrong choice of word, but his words of disappointment hammered that one home. His brow was down, his lips turned and his voice kept breaking as he sat there, looked me in the eyes and told me that he'd always seen me as the son with issues and problems. But, despite the fact that my brother and his wife have been 'happily' married for ages, have a lovely house that's almost paid for, have secure, decent paid jobs, live very comfortably, have two or three holidays away every year, have a lovely daughter, drive nice cars, buy the things they want....Despite all those things, that made me out to the black sheep of the family, because I have nothing close to those things, this 'revelation' that they are a pair of alcoholics seems to have really knocked the wind out of him.

My parents have had to put up with a lot of shit over the years. Mostly from me. I've always felt bad about that. I think the fact that my brother's life always shone head and shoulders above mine, might have helped give my folks some additional strength when they needed it. Things were shit, but it's not so bad because at least my brother's life had turned out great. He's the reliable, sensible, grounded, formulaic, dependable and 'normal' one.

Things have changed.

Sunday, May 8

So, I don't look back. Still, I'm dying with every step I take. But I don't look back. Just a little , little bit better. Good enough to waste some time.

I bought some net curtains for one of the windows today.
I think you would be proud.