Monday, June 30

Even the white rose has many a sharp thorn. And I left your side with a handshake and a wave goodbye.

I feel like the only things I'm good at is hiding my feelings and getting stoned.
The latter has been infrequent, thanks to my Bank Manager, so I guess I've been wearing my mask a little more often.
And the scary thing is, it's so easy to wear.
Ask me how I'm doing...."Yeah, fine", I'll reply. "How's work?"...."Yeah, up and down, yano." Ask me if there's any news on the house and I'll give you a "Na, nothing yet. Everywhere seems quiet." My Mum will ask me how I'm doing for money and I'll reply with a line about just scraping through each month by the skin of my teeth, when in reality I'm sinking, sinking, sinking.
When I'm wearing it, I can go onto Auto-Pilot. It's all so easy.

So easy.

I want you to know that I'm not really doing fine. Actually, I'm worried, concerned and generally scared shitless. I want you to know that I'm not getting enough work to survive. I want you to understand that I'm really worried about putting all my eggs in one basket. I want you to know that I'm flat broke. I just can't ask you to help anymore. It's been breaking my heart. I want you to know that I'm falling apart inside, because I just can't see the end. Yes, I know it's there, but I just can't see it. I want you to know that I feel like house is gonna turn into a curse for me. I want you to understand how scary it feels to know that in potentially six weeks time, I wont be here anymore. I'll be up there, with The Girl. As elated as I feel about being closer to The Girl, you should know that I'm also scared to death of anything in our relationship going wrong. And if that goes wrong and everything else falls apart or doesn't materialize....

And the stupid thing about it all is....if I took off my mask once in a while, I'd probably feel your hand on my shoulder.

I feel really stupid sometimes.

Sunday, June 29

And there's too much going on. But it's calm under the waves, in the blue of my oblivion.

I feel lost.

I'm moving in slow motion, while everything else around me zooms by.
And it scares me.

And sometimes it still get so hard to handle, that I take my pick of Fight or Flight.
Curling up inside myself gives me the most comfort, like your arm around my waist.
Like my head upon your shoulder.

I've struggled this last week. Struggled to express myself properly on here. The Girl says I should stop analyzing it so much and just push post. Maybe she's right.

Thursday, June 19

How about how good it feels to finally forgive you. How about grieving it all, one at a time.

I think I might have fallen out of love with Alanis last night.

It's no good. I simply can't fall out of love with her. I think we're just having what one might call "A lover's tiff."

Dear Alanis,
What the fuck just happened? I'm sorry to have to say this, but you've really let yourself go and you just don't look like you're bothered. Admittedly, there were a few lovely, touching moments where you seemed to recognise that we were all cramped in there because we believed in you. They were few and far between though, weren't they?
I know you've been going through a rough time lately, since you split up with your boyfriend. It must be very hard and emotional. But I have to say that your emotion was lacking tonight. And Alanis singing without emotion just isn't Alanis.
Your band. Well, they weren't that tight, were they. In places, they sounded like they'd only just got together as a band. Oh, and fire your sound engineer.
I know you've got it in you to come back from this horrible place you obviously find yourself in. I've seen you do it before, you can do it again.
So, I'm just gonna give us a little 'space', ok? Gonna give you a little 'space'.
In the meantime, I'm gonna have to sleep somewhere else. I'll stay at my Brother's place. I just can't be around you too much right now.
Call me....Ok?

bedshaped x

Wednesday, June 18

Tell you something that I've found, that the world's a better place when it's upside down.

So, The Girl tells me that if I were to ever go to the Doctor with a problem with my downstairs departments, then I should allow a little time for my pubes to 'grow out'. Apparently, my 'pruning' techniques may be frowned upon by said Doctor.
This grew out of a discussion we were having about the last time she made a visit to her Doctor and was, as she went on to explain, met with a mixture of surprise and mumbled "Ye Gods!" when she 'assumed the position'. Mind you, I did tell her that perhaps the extra trimming, shaving and pruning into the shape of a down-pointing arrow may have been over doing things a little! She didn't do that really. It was just something that popped into my head during the conversation we had, along the lines of, "Well, it's not like you'd shaped your lady garden into something like a star or a heart or a duck...."
She seemed a little surprised that I didn't realise that this is the sort of thing that girls think about when they have to make a visit to the Doctor, where a peek of their equipment would be involved.
"Do I leave myself Au Naturel? Do I prune and trim a little to tidy myself up? Am I bothered that I take the whole lot off normally or is that going too far? How far is too far?"

I'd be terrible as a girl. I'd probably shave the whole lot off and when the Doctor clapped eyes on my nether's, I'd be saying, "Yeah, who's the Daddy now!". In my head of course.

I shall be filing this information alongside other useful bits, such as discovering that if a girl goes out on a date and has no intention of letting anyone get into her pants, then she wont shave her legs.

Funnily enough, the conversation about 'pube presentation' came about from her telling me that she's given her feet a little make-over, pruning and painting her toe-nails etc, because she's going to see her Doctor about an issue she might have with her feet.
"It's all about making the right impression", she tells me.
If you ask me, I don't think Doctors actually give a shit about any of that. It's not like they would go home after a day in the surgery and make a conversational point about somebody's pubes, or feet, or whatever. That's surely a sign of a Doctor with too much time on their hands and we all know that's something they don't have.

Friday, June 13

Well, I think you’d find out if you dared to stay. That far away is a place inside yourself.

I miss reading about her thoughts. Thoughts she hadn't already told me.
And about her day to day. Whatever things they were.
I miss filling in the gaps that sit between our conversations.
And just the primative thought that she's

Over a recent period, The Girl has stopped blogging. She appears to have migrated to Facebook, which she keeps asking me to sign up for. I dunno. Facebook always sounded like the next level of Friends Reunited to me. Maybe she enjoys it more, because she feels like she can be more like herself. And that's why I can't do it, because I think Facebook loses that anonymous level to a certain degree. And on an acceptable level, Blogger has given me a place where I can reveal as little as I want.
I leave reading between the lines up to anybody who stumbles across here.

It's weird, even though we talk every single day, I still miss reading those little things. Even if she tells me about them again.

Thursday, June 12

Girls, you've got to know when it's time to turn the page. When you're only wet because of all the rain.

I love Tori Amos. The quirkiness goes without saying, but her songs, her words, the way she expresses herself....
She's also on 'The Laminated List', but she'll never, ever come off. How could I, to somebody who writes and sings something like "Northern Lad".

"Say Anything" is on one of the channels tonight. I love that movie. I've been trying to find a torrent for it, for ages. That scene when John Cusack plays that song outside her house, holding the player up in his hands. That's gotta qualify for one of the greatest scenes ever, right?

I'm currently having a brilliant time loving music. Even Alphabeat's album sounds good to me.
So, I'm currently loving music, gonna watch a great movie, then I'll catch up on the day's happenings in the Big Brother house.
Rachel is my current favourite. I'd like to see Lisa evicted on Friday, then I'd like to see at least one new person over the weekend.

Northern Lad - Tori Amos.

Tuesday, June 10

Well, I know that it's a wonderful world, but I can't feel it right now. Well, I thought that I was doing well, but I just wanna cry now.

I was reading the results of a sex survey earlier. I think it was a couple of years old, but was collated from information from over 300,000 people.
The results were pretty much what one would expect, allowing for the fact that some people might have exaggerated their responses or even just lied.Considering I was reading about people's sexual preferences, like positions, fantasies, masturbation et al, the one thing that stood out to me was that almost sixty percent of woman who responded, said they would divorce their husband or leave their partner if it wasn't for their financial position.
Blimey, I'm not sure if I'm shocked at that or if it's kind of what I suspected.

In a conversation with The Girl tonight, the subject of 'Jelqing' (Link possibly NSFW) came up, to which she asked me if I was considering doing it myself. Yeah, as if! *Ahem*

Ha, interesting that the Blogger spell checker doesn't recognise "Jelqing".

Wednesday, June 4

Lip gloss, bold as blood. You got 'em linin' up.

Alison Goldfrapp is my latest thing.
There's just something about her. She's quirky, she's unconventional, she strives to be just that little bit different. I find that mahoosively attractive in people.
I really need to make the effort to catch them live next time they come round. That's certainly a gig that I'd consider throwing up a pair of my shorts on the stage, for the second time for. The first time was when Catatonia played at the Civic in Wolverhampton. That Cerys used to do naughty things to my mind. I wrote my phone number on them before I threw them up. They landed next to the mic stand....she just gave them a shocked look. They stayed there until after they'd gone off. Then a roadie came on and took them off with him. Now I'm hoping he gave them to Cerys. I'll never know, although I did get an odd call to my mobile a few weeks later.

Anyway....Alison. I'm afraid this puts me in somewhat of a dilemma. I'd like her on 'The List'. Yano, that laminated list of five people who, even if you're in a relationship, you're allowed to think of them in yummy way. There may even be some oggling, but considering the people on the list are of a celebrity status, in some way, shape or form, then it's ok to dream naughty things about them, 'cos the chances of you actually fulfilling that fantasy is about as likely as fuel prices coming down.
Adding her to the list means I obviously have to remove somebody else from those 5 to make room for her. I think the rule of 'The List' is that five is usually the acceptable number. Although I'd like to state, for the record, that The Girl keeps mentioning people on 'her list' and I'm sure she's around the Ten mark.

Can't say I particularly like the blonde hair though.

Download this track, or play it if you've already got it and tell me that doesn't sound like the most fun you could have with programmers and a Ragtime Piano.

Goldfrapp - "Satin Chic"

Monday, June 2

What are we supposed to do, after all that we’ve been through. When everything that felt so right is wrong. Now that the love is gone.

Today, I spent three hours in the company of a couple who did nothing but argue and moan at each other all the time. As I busied myself with my head stuck underneath their kitchen sink, I could hear them in the other room; moaning, whining, shouting, raising their voices. And it was all completely pointless. It was almost like they couldn't 'talk' to each other. No normal conversations, no chit chat, no talking. Just spurts of raised voices about pointless things. I wonder if they even know how to talk to each other, you know, in a normal fashion.
Some couples are just like that though, aren't they? It's not necessarily a reflection on their relationship that they moan and shout and argue a lot of the time. They just do. But they remain in their relationship, because that's just how they are. I guess it's just something they're used to. I guess it's just part of them being together.
I can't deny that it made me feel a little uncomfortable when they kept breaking the silences by going off at one another. I felt like saying, "Look, who gives a shit about shoelaces, mobile phones, what to watch on TV or any other completely pointless thing you've been arguing about. Just give each other a hug and remember why you both got together."
I didn't though. I just tried to blank it out by uncomfortably humming to myself and imagining I was somewhere else.
It was a relief to finish that job and drive away.