Monday, June 30

Even the white rose has many a sharp thorn. And I left your side with a handshake and a wave goodbye.

I feel like the only things I'm good at is hiding my feelings and getting stoned.
The latter has been infrequent, thanks to my Bank Manager, so I guess I've been wearing my mask a little more often.
And the scary thing is, it's so easy to wear.
Ask me how I'm doing...."Yeah, fine", I'll reply. "How's work?"...."Yeah, up and down, yano." Ask me if there's any news on the house and I'll give you a "Na, nothing yet. Everywhere seems quiet." My Mum will ask me how I'm doing for money and I'll reply with a line about just scraping through each month by the skin of my teeth, when in reality I'm sinking, sinking, sinking.
When I'm wearing it, I can go onto Auto-Pilot. It's all so easy.

So easy.

I want you to know that I'm not really doing fine. Actually, I'm worried, concerned and generally scared shitless. I want you to know that I'm not getting enough work to survive. I want you to understand that I'm really worried about putting all my eggs in one basket. I want you to know that I'm flat broke. I just can't ask you to help anymore. It's been breaking my heart. I want you to know that I'm falling apart inside, because I just can't see the end. Yes, I know it's there, but I just can't see it. I want you to know that I feel like house is gonna turn into a curse for me. I want you to understand how scary it feels to know that in potentially six weeks time, I wont be here anymore. I'll be up there, with The Girl. As elated as I feel about being closer to The Girl, you should know that I'm also scared to death of anything in our relationship going wrong. And if that goes wrong and everything else falls apart or doesn't materialize....

And the stupid thing about it all is....if I took off my mask once in a while, I'd probably feel your hand on my shoulder.

I feel really stupid sometimes.