Wednesday, July 18

But I hear the call of a lifetime ring. Felt the need to get up for it. Oh you cut out the middleman. Get free from the middleman.

Trying to pick up the pieces after you've been shit on and consequently lost all your confidence isn't an easy thing.
In fact, the easiest thing is to wallow in your own self pity and let everything fall down around you. Bills don't get paid, the phone doesn't get answered, the door doesn't get opened, your friends get neglected or ignored and you spend most of the day wishing it was time to go to bed. Of course when it is time to hit the sack, then you lie there with so many unfathomables spinning around in your head that getting to sleep becomes as easy as picking the winning lottery numbers.
Depression is such a wonderful thing, huh.

Each day over the last week, I've made a list in the morning of what I want to achieve. A simple method in itself, that lends it's kind to a supposed proven method of actually getting things done and hopefully pulling you out of this deep, dark hole. I've not pushed myself with the list thing, hence my morning lists have only comprised of 5 things to break myself in. It's completely do-able to strike off everything on said list, probably in less than a couple of hours. That said, most days I've crossed one or two things off and carried the rest over to the nest morning.
It's a long, slow process.

I've convinced myself that everything I've been doing to get work is in the preparation stage. I'm in the middle of designing leaflets to be printed out and door dropped to advertise my services. I've also signed up with a National Company that subs out work for emergency plumbing and hopefully that side of things should go live sometime over the next few days, fingers crossed. Money has been spent on getting a few more tools that I didn't get in the first place because I was using my 'so called friends' tools and therefore didn't really have a need to buy them myself. More money has been spent on a Sat Nav system, so I can actually find my way about without having to rely on Streetmap or the RAC route finder systems, which I've found to be crap. Unfortunately, I'm still without a van, so I'm gonna have to work out of my car for the time being. Which is shit, but I don't see any other way around it at the moment.
Somehow....somehow, I'm just about managing to live with what money I have left in my account and on my credit cards. Everyday that goes by, my debt is increasing and I'm hoping that all this preparation is gonna pay off and sometime soon I'm actually gonna be earning some money again.
Who would have thought that starting your own business would be so fucking hard. In fact it's not hard, it much worse than that. No wonder so many new business ventures fail within the first 12 months.

With everything going on and my head being in such a twisted state, the one thing I haven't lost sight of, is that there are so many other people out there in worse situations than myself.

Wednesday, July 11

I know you feel like the walls are closing in on you. It's hard to find relief and people can be so cold.

Dear Friend/Co-Worker,

A couple of weeks ago, things were going well, work wise. We had plenty of enquiries and work coming in and even though it proved to be hard work, we pulled it off. It was great working with you and I thought things were going well.
Then you decided to go AWOL for nearly four days. Not only that, but you short changed me on what I was meant to get paid for those last four jobs we completed together. It's no good to me saying "I have to pay bills too mate" when I was expecting what we had agreed to pay each other. It's no good to me saying that you feel you should get the "lion's share" because of all the time, effort and money you've put into the business. Okay, so maybe I haven't invested as much money as you, but you can't say that about my time and effort.
Your opinion that I'm "over-reacting" quite frankly sucks sweaty donkey balls.
The fact that you haven't contacted me about any more work together since, just shows that you know you've fucked up. I hope you realise that you've basically left me hanging out to dry, not that that will bother you.
Yes, I completely understand the saying "Look after your own". I didn't realise it also meant stab your friends in the back when doing so. How fucking stupid do you think I feel now, after previously singing your praises to my friends and family?
I can't even begin to describe how much you have let me down.
Not only have you left me fending for myself, but you have also knocked my confidence for six.
Congratulations friend. I hope you sleep easy at night.


Thursday, July 5

Maybe I'm amazed at the way you help me sing my song. Right me when I'm wrong. Maybe I'm amazed at the way I really need you.

Every now and then I get panic attacks.
I suffer with my head shutting down, panic ensuing, then emergency lights coming on.

In front of you, are small boxes suspended from the ceiling.
Below all these boxes, there is a thing.
A person, a monster, a robot.
Each small box contains something.
A thought.
An emotion.
A memory.
A problem.
The thing catches whatever falls from those boxes.
Carefully replacing it.
But there's so many boxes.
So many 'somethings', that sometimes that thing can't cope.
Sometimes he can't catch them all.
And so they build up.
On the floor.
Doubling in size.
Merging with other 'somethings' that have fell.
Doubling in size.
Creating worry.
Festering panic.
And then the lights go out.
Shut down.
The emergency lights make it difficult to see things clearly.
Everything is blurry.
There's too much.

Tuesday, July 3

In this white wave, I am sinking. In this silence. In this white wave....In this silence....

Abuse of trust is a difficult stain to remove.

Often a feint blemish remains, a constant reminder that things will never be the same again.