Friday, April 27

'Cos we've been through worse than this, before we could talk. The trick of it is, don't be afraid anymore.

When a relationship ends, it can fester into bitterness if you feel like you haven't got your side of the story out.
It's terribly frustrating. I know, I've been there.
She's coming over on Sunday, to collect some more things from the house. She's been asking me for ages for us to sit down and talk. It pisses me off that she wants to talk now, but when it mattered she did all she could to avoid it. But I see parts of her in me. I'm overcome with sadness when I can see it.

I'm worried that it will stir up too many emotions, things may get heated (and I really don't want that), and there's a chance we could end up losing our friendship. And I don't want that. She keeps saying that she's accepted what's happened. But I'm not so sure. I think she also thinks there might be a chance of us getting back together. I don't.
I'm wondering if this 'talk' might pose more questions than answers.
I'm wondering if this 'talk' might help her move on from all this mess.
I'm wondering if this 'talk' will just make me feel even more guilty than I already do.

Wednesday, April 25

When you gonna make up your mind? When you gonna love you, as much as I do? When you gonna make up your mind? 'Cos things are gonna change, so fast.

Whilst I love being in a relationship....who doesn't? I really do love being on my own.
I never seem to feel a sense of loneliness, despite being alone. Although I have Marley, the plant that seems to be a true survivor, and the two cats. The house never feels empty. And it's never peaceful. Ninety nine percent of the time, there's music playing somewhere.

Whilst I love being able to eat what I like, when I like, playing whatever music I want, at whatever volume, whilst I love being able to not have to consider somebody else when I flick around on the remote, whilst I love being able to go out where I want, when I want and with who I want without having to think about someone else's feelings, whilst I love not having to consult anybody else's schedule in case of a clash, whilst I love not feeling guilty about buying far too many Chocolate Hobnobs, whilst I love being able to watch movies in bed, instead of reading a book, whilst I love not having to clean up somebody else's mess....
I do really miss waking up next to somebody else's skin.

Wednesday, April 18

I'll stop all those habits. The ones that made you sigh. I promise I'll do everything right, so please don't let me hear you say goodbye. Gone way past the point of realising this mess. Your name on my lips, lingers through sadness.

I'm not quite sure where I go from here.
Well, I am actually.
I just need a little gathering, and reflection, and peace.

emas eht eb reve dluow gnihton, em ot deil yltnatalb dah uoy derevocsid I nehw.

Sunday, April 15

I remember how it used to be. Now it's all just changed, and I'm cold in the grave. It's like I won't ever be the same, no. Now I'm alone.

She changed.
I saw it, as I gradually opened my eyes.
She threw the chance I gave her right back at my face, with malice and spite.
All those promises broken.
All that trust destroyed.

I gave all the support I could to my girlfriend. All the support she would allow me to give, when she wasn't shunning me, making excuses, spitting lies.... She made a choice, and as a consequence of that, I asked her to leave. The leave marked the beginning of the end.

I feel empty. And lost. Scared. And scarred.

In her communications, she leaped from one emotion to the opposite. She's finally admitted her problem, been on a fast-track rehab, whilst at the same time sent me some of the nastiest and cutting messages. For which, she's apologised, many times. Blaming the 'shit' and her fluctuations in moods. And then she's sent me the most thoughtful and touching messages.

I've spent a lot of time researching heroin addiction, in particular stories posted by users and their partners. There were no happy endings there that I saw. Many relapses. Many cries for help. Much talk of partners becoming a victim themselves to the drug.

My ex girlfriend taught me something during the healing process of our break-up. We had both gone through our own stories of shit. But she was stronger, and that helped her realise that being with me was just dragging her backwards. And when you've already been through enough shit, why allow it to happen again? By making the decision to save herself, she was actually saving us both.