Sunday, April 15

I remember how it used to be. Now it's all just changed, and I'm cold in the grave. It's like I won't ever be the same, no. Now I'm alone.

She changed.
I saw it, as I gradually opened my eyes.
She threw the chance I gave her right back at my face, with malice and spite.
All those promises broken.
All that trust destroyed.

I gave all the support I could to my girlfriend. All the support she would allow me to give, when she wasn't shunning me, making excuses, spitting lies.... She made a choice, and as a consequence of that, I asked her to leave. The leave marked the beginning of the end.

I feel empty. And lost. Scared. And scarred.

In her communications, she leaped from one emotion to the opposite. She's finally admitted her problem, been on a fast-track rehab, whilst at the same time sent me some of the nastiest and cutting messages. For which, she's apologised, many times. Blaming the 'shit' and her fluctuations in moods. And then she's sent me the most thoughtful and touching messages.

I've spent a lot of time researching heroin addiction, in particular stories posted by users and their partners. There were no happy endings there that I saw. Many relapses. Many cries for help. Much talk of partners becoming a victim themselves to the drug.

My ex girlfriend taught me something during the healing process of our break-up. We had both gone through our own stories of shit. But she was stronger, and that helped her realise that being with me was just dragging her backwards. And when you've already been through enough shit, why allow it to happen again? By making the decision to save herself, she was actually saving us both.

2 parlez:

Jen said...

It sounds as if you both had some tough calls to make. But you did your best for her and that's a pretty special thing.

I'm really sorry that life has been so horrid. You don't deserve it. Not. At. All. XXX

bedshaped said...

Thanks Jen,
Dusting myself off... x