Sometimes, the fastest way to get there is to go slow. And sometimes, if you wanna hold on, you got to let go.

If you see that girl in passing, tell her I said "hey".
But only if you catch sight of her, no need to go out of your way.
She'll most likely shrink up her nose, trying to recall.
Cast her eyes up to the heavens, watching angels fall.
And frown and stumble her thoughts, come what fucking may.

Tell her not to worry, if she hears there's a body in the lake.
But only if you catch sight of her, no need to go out of your way.
Those fallen angels crying, dry tears of an unreturnable love.
When the truth came out, as push came to shove.
Her defenses rose up an army, turning everything colourful to grey.

She should know one thing, that she's not been thought of in days.
But only if you catch sight of her, no need to go out of your way.
Her stubbornness and silence, a sight for sore eyes.
If only she knew the truth, and saw through everybody else's lies.
Maybe in time she will, maybe she will become herself again one day.

I know this silence, been here before. I'm walking blinded through your door. This is a sense of things to come. This innocence.

New shirt - Check (White, crisp, virginal)
Suit - Check (A little on the big side now)
Polished shoes - Check (Shiny!)
Tie - Check (Damn, I hate wearing ties)
Fuel in the car - Check (enough to get there anyway)
Bath - Check (Love a nice, relaxing bath. Extra bubbles please)
Shave - Check (Damn you new razor, you fucking bastard, cut my neck..kjsdfhsdfjhsdf)
Teeth brushed - Check (Several times)
Pubes trimmed - Check (Well, I like to feel good about myself!)
Research on the Company - Check (Established, family owned, growing)
Playlist for the car journey - Check (Euphoric Emotions)
Slightly sicky feeling - Check (A little nervous? You bet!)
Application form completed - Check (Waffle waffle)
Photo to accompany application form - Check (Damn you fucking new razor!!)
Directions to Company - Check (Printed out 'cos my Sat Nav died)
Throw one out to relieve any tension - Check (Welcome back mojo)
Pre Interview nerves - Check (Bubbly)
Smellies applied - Check (Damn, I smell nice)
Going commando - Check (Oh, if only they knew!)
Bottle of wine for disappointment/celebration - Check

Maybe it's selfishness, you say. All the promise I've broken thoughtlesly, I know that's no way to live.

V music festival this weekend.
*sigh*
Just spoke to my niece who's there with her boyfriend. I got them the tickets. It's sunny, they're drinking lots and have Ladyhawke, The Streets, The Enemy and Oasis to see later. Damn n fucking bollocks, I'm so, so jealous!
Loving, loving, loving the E4 advert for the V Festival. That's my church.



I've just sent a text message to her, asking her to ring me if Oasis play a certain song. And telling her to take care.

A guy passed out at work yesterday. That's 3 this month so far. There are ovens, lots of heat and stagnant air, and no ventilation.

It's been a strange day, today. Earlier I met up with a girl I haven't seen or spoken to in over 15 years. She looks....the same....but with bigger tits. She's had them done. It was the second thing she told me on Facebook.

Why does sending a card sound like such a bad, terrible, intrusive, unwanted thing to do.

Tina Dico - "You Know Better."

Listen....listen to what she sings.
Couldn't have said it better myself.

But I realize that I need you, and I wonder if I could come home.

Bea's hair looks lovely. I wish she wasn't such a spoilt bitch.
And Davina looks really hot tonight.

What's happened in my life this week....? Well, I've had my hand crushed at work. My knuckles to be exact. Hurt like a mutha fucker and I now have bruises on the back of my hand. Great.
The place I work for have cut 3 temps and my hours....in fact every other temps hours have been cut down. Oh joy. But you have to keep positive and get on with it, right? Right!

Maybe its time to post some of the posts I've 'drafted'. Maybe. I dunno. I read them back and I'm still not sure how much sense they make.

Things are changing for me. They have been for a while. Growing, changing, spreading out, reaching out, flowing, expanding, morphing....

I love, love, love the new Imogen Heap album. It's like.....beauty personified.
Maybe I should have been born lesbian.

Imogen Heap - Bad Body Double.

The sound of silence grows, as the spider's kiss is laid. The tumor becomes malign, but the kids are doing fine.

I always swore to myself that I'd never blog when I was drunk.
Things change, huh.

I didn't get any of the three jobs offered at the place I'm currently temping at. In fact, yesterday, the postman delivered a letter saying I'd not even got through to the interview stage. Couple that with the fact that my hours at work have been cut down again....I probably should be feeling pissed off. But, I'm not. These things happen. It's not a bad thing, a negative thing. It's an opportunity. An opportunity for me to make things different, move on and get myself straight again.

There's a mahoosive spider walking about in the dining room. My mum would be freaking out right now if she was here. I don't have the heart to catch it. It's probably just wondering where it's home is. Poor thing.

I've written a post about sex. It's in the 'drafts'.

I've donated half my wardrobe to a charity shop.

Bea, from Big Brother....I used to like her. I used to really like her. Apart from the fact that she's blonde, she seemed to have all the characteristics of a girl that I like. But lately, she's shown a different side to her. A side that I don't really like. I feel a little....let down by her. Since Freddie got evicted on Friday, and he was my favourite to win, now I'm left wondering who to support.

Long skirt, strappy top, long hair. Long skirt, strappy top, long hair.

I don't look backwards, only forwards, because that's where my future lies.

I love driving a car again, instead of a van. Just the fact that I have windows and vision behind me, instead of having to use the stupid door mirrors makes a mahoosive difference. Not to mention the comfort, the steering, the four doors, the space, the braking, not having to wait for glow plugs to warm up.

Music is saving my life, once again. I have fell back in love with music.

Here's a couple of choones I've been throwing down shapes to lately. They are great for exercising too as well. Great bass lines, great beats, great vocals. Damn, I love this kind of stuff.

Armin Van Buuren - This World Is Watching Me
John Ocallaghan - Big sky

This has got to die, I said this has got to stop. This has got to lie down, with someone else on top.

I've been out tonight.
And the good news is....I've got my mojo back!

Once set, our footprints when you carried me along , it was then that I abandoned my fears.

Blood, The Last Vampire is a great, great movie.

Also The Mist. Great film. So intense. And especially the soundtrack over the last 10 minutes or so.
"Well, we gave it a good shot. Nobody can say that we didn't."
"Nope, nobody can say that."
"We got erm....four. Four bullets"
"There's five of us!"
"I'll figure something out."

Brilliant, brilliant ending to the film.

I'd like to say a sincere thank you. Thank you to all the people who emailed me and commented on my last post. Although a few of the emails were a little....'digging' at me, the majority were supportive, so thanks to everyone who contacted me. It's very much appreciated.

I think I've replied to everybody.
I'm fine by the way. Everything in my life is good at the moment. Ok, so things could be better, but that's not the point. The point being that everything that's happening in my life is positive. There's no room for negativity in my life at the moment. Negativity just drags people down, and I don't allow that anymore.

It feel kind of odd that I've been more moved by the death of John Hughes than I am of Michael Jackson. There's no doubt that MJ was a talented artist. No doubt at all. But I've been moved more by the passing of John Hughes, probably because he affected me more directly with his visions and movies; The Breakfast Club, Ferris Buelleur's Day Off and especially Some Kind Of Wonderful. Such a talent and visionary. What a great, great loss.

I'm completely hooked on Big Brother. That's because I'm a Big Brother whore! This year has been soooo good, with all the relationships, mental bending and tasks. I like Bea. I can't help it, but she's got so many qualities that I like in a girl, apart from being a fake blonde. And I like Siavash. But I still want Freddie/Halfwit to win.

Strangely, Facebook has captured my imagination and I'm loving the connectivity at the moment. I've reconnected with friends, family members and the like, and so far it's all been good. But there's a major difference between Facebook and blogging, for me anyway.

I've found some great music lately. Cat Power, Bats For Lashes, Placebo and particularly Delores O'Rioran. Her second solo album is just great. She has such a wonderful voice. What a shame The Cranberries broke up, but I guess it was all down to where she felt she was in her own personal life.
This song on her latest album makes me cry, for many different reasons;

Delores O'Riordan - Lunatic.

I'd love to be able to play that on the piano.
*sigh*

All along, not so strong without these open arms. Hold on tight. All along, not that strong without these open arms. Lie beside.

I had a mental breakdown. A nervous breakdown. A mental fuck up. A meltdown. Whatever you wanna call it.

For people who've never been through one, and I would never wish one on anybody, it's very difficult to explain. Very, very difficult for other people to understand.
Everything that's affecting your life (even some normal day to day stuff) builds up. Into something black, bleak, blurred, out of control, the absolute biggest mountain to climb, the deepest pit you've ever been in, the most impossible force, an unimaginable force, an unbeatable thing, throws everything off course.... Things that shouldn't even affect you, do. It's the worst case of a 'snowball' effect that you could ever imagine. And you change. You turn into something....somebody that's far removed from your normal self. You become....out of character. It's more about anxiety and internal panic than feeling low and depressed. Yes, depression is a different feeling.
And the worst thing about it, is that you have no idea that you're suffering with the breakdown. Imagine going through deep depression, but on a much larger and wider scale. A very different scale.
You hold on to 'other things'. Things in your life that you can deal with, that you enjoy. Routine things, sometimes monotonous things. These other things help see you through. They become something you can focus on, being able to temporarily put all the bleakness, pressures and anxiety aside. While you're focused on these other things, your mood becomes a little more lifted. Your internal chatterbox changes from it usual angsty formula and instead of constantly repeating all your issues and problems and telling you that you're pathetic and can't deal with any of them, it begins telling you that life ain't so bad and that maybe you can deal. But of course these 'other things' don't last long enough and the temporary uplift ultimately gets completely drowned out. And more often than not the negativity comes back and hits you ten fold.
It's awful. It's just a terrible thing.
The smallest thing, which in other people's eyes may be something insignificant, becomes an absolutely impossible wall to climb. The panic attacks. The lack of control. The feeling of helplessness. The feeling of isolation. The feelings of intense pain and loneliness, even though you might be with a partner.
I can't speak for anybody else who's been through a breakdown. All I can do is see things from my own eyes....my own perspective.
I knew I was having down days. And I was all too aware how it would affect others around me. So I withdrew into myself. On my down times, I would want to deal with all my problems myself and not show others that I was suffering. I absolutely hated other people seeing me so low. I went quiet, I curled up, I hid my tears, I become robotic, I tried to be as 'normal' as I could under the circumstances. I tried so hard to 'protect' the others around me. But I failed, miserably. Instead of showing the others around me that I could deal with things, that my withdrawal and quietness was my way of not hurting them or adding to their own problems and issues....instead of that, I was seen as an unhappy, unloving, uncaring, unsociable person. A person who didn't want to be there. A person who had given up on the relationship. I had absolutely no idea that that is how I was being seen. No idea at all.
I've said time and time again that suffering a breakdown changes a person. Of course it's still them....the physical person. But the mental person, no. Their personality goes through such an intense change and no matter how hard you try to fight it, there's just no strength left anymore. And perhaps most importantly, at the time of the breakdown, they have no idea that they've changed so much because all they're doing is trying to survive.
I guess a good example would be Britney's breakdown. It was still her....still Britney, but her meltdown caused such changes in her mental state. She partied all the time, she shaved her head in the public eye, she lashed out at people, got into fights, checked in and out of rehabs frequently, flashed her pussy on numerous occasions, finally got committed to a mental/health institution and did countless other things that she's since said she's ashamed of, because she wasn't 'herself'. It cost her the custody of her children.
Another example would be Vanessa Feltz when she had a meltdown in the Celebrity Big Brother House. Again, she lost control of her normal mental state, acted and did things against her normal character. It cost her countless work contracts and her marriage.
And of course the list goes on; Anne Heche, Whitney Houston, Micha Barton, Lindsay Lohan, Martin Lawrence, Hugh Laurie, Owen Wilson, Winona Ryder, George Michael....I could go on. And of course how many other countless thousands who aren't celebrities suffer through this too. The numbers are probably horrific.
I feel for them all.

The first step to recovery is to seek help. With depression it's the same. That first step is without doubt the hardest to take. No matter how much other people around you try and want to help, the person who's suffering simply has to reach that certain point of their illness where only they can make that first step. And then there's the acceptance, which is very difficult. Having to accept that something like this....a 'mental breakdown', something that happens to 'other' people has happened to you. But once you accept it, you're already well on the way to recovering.

Nothing....absolutely nothing can change the past. And no matter how much you want to change what you became when you went through your breakdown, the fact of the matter is it was you. A mentally ill you, a different and affected you, a warped personality of you, but you all the same. A breakdown should never be used as an excuse. It's something that can affect anybody, that's a fact of life. All you can hope for is that people can try to understand, even though it's very, very difficult for them seeing these things as an outsider.

Me - I'm a very genuine person. I'm honest, open and like to talk about things. That's always how I've been. I'm loving, touchy-feely, sensitive, warm, caring, protective, emotional, sensual, delicate, kind, devoted, generous, considerate, passionate, friendly, tender, loyal, huggy, warmhearted. When I was suffering my breakdown, my illness took a lot of those personality traits away from me. Not all of them, but a lot of them. Changed me into somebody who was far removed from my normal self and the saddest part is that at the time I was ill, I had absolutely no idea that I'd changed, and more importantly how much it was affecting others.

It cost me my relationship with The Girl.
Her feelings for me changed over time. I had no idea how much of a c**t I became, but her feelings for me changed. The love she felt for me melted away. She tried so hard to help me, but I couldn't accept it. My mental illness wasn't allowing me any strength to accept any help.
I became distant, wrapped up in myself, curled up in a ball, trying to deal with things myself, trying to protect her and her family, pushing her away, seeing things that weren't there, things blurring out of proportion, saying things that just weren't true, feeling rejected, alone, lost, isolating myself without proper reason, removing myself....when all along I was still thinking that our love for each other would carry us through. I was wrong.

She asked me to leave, and I can't blame her. Had the situation been reversed, I would have been the same. Something had to give. I don't blame her or hold any bad feelings for her about how she reacted at all. I would have been the same, had the situation have been reversed and I know how difficult a decision it must have been for her. After all, you have to protect not only yourself, but your kids too. So yes, I completely understand that. I've done the right (and I think, honourable) thing for me and for The Girl, and that was to send her a sincere apology to her and her family for my behaviour during my illness. She deserved an apology from me. It completely broke me, but it's the least I could do. And I've told her time and time again that I understand why she did what she did, asking me to leave, and that in no way should she feel any kind of guilt over that. She did what she thought was right at the time, and as we all do that, who could possibly think she did the wrong thing. I certainly don't.

The past is exactly that, the past. No matter what you do, nothing can change it. But we can learn from it. Some people don't learn from their mistakes or experiences, they somehow think they can just carry on, plod on with life. That's the biggest mistake of all.
I've learnt a great deal from my breakdown. I've learnt so much about me, other people, mental illness, the effects and aftermath, relationships....Just so much. And I'm still learning to a certain extent. Everything about the future can be changed and that's the way we all live our lives.

I'm rebuilding my life now. Have been for many weeks. I've got myself regular work, albeit temporary which allows me to pay my bills and pay debts back. I've closed down my Business. Changed the van for a car. Sorted out all the grief I had with my house that was being rented out. Spoken to Companies that I owe money to so they can be more understanding, which they have been. Sorted out my taxes. Stopped smoking weed. Changed my eating habits. Been exercising to stimulate my heart and brain cells. Reading self help books. Meditating. Cut out negativity in my day to day life. Gone onto medication. Been referred to a councillor. Made some new friends. Started to go out and mix with new people. Made plans for my future involving where I want to live. Researching and making headway for different types of work. Resolved problems I had with my own family. Been waking up with an attitude of 'this is a new day, I wonder what it will bring'. Started writing again. Rediscovered the important things in life. Become much, much more happier with myself. Got my sense of humour back. Been able to deal with any negativity in my life with a positive approach. Since being well on the road to recovery, I've been able to tackle all of the issues that caused me so much stress, anxiety, panic and frustration. Put in simple terms....I've become me again. But me in a much better state of mind.
My life now....my personality, my outlook, my love of life, my future, my own state of mind....all a million miles away from where I was when I hit rock bottom. I feel empowered, positive, happy. The personality traits that made me me are back ten fold and I know that I'm such a better person for it. It's absolutely awful that I went through a mental breakdown to get where I am today, but I can't change that. And all the awful hurt I caused, I can't change that either, no matter how hard I try. So I've accepted me, what happened and moved on.
In a way, I guess it's similar to going through, or knowing somebody who is/has gone through bad depression. You can look back at yourself or at that person, remember their sadness, their bleakness, their change in personality, their odd behaviour, whatever, but you can understand and accept that it was the illness that affected them. And more importantly, see them as the good person that not only they were before, but also who they have become.

I was a weak person. I lost my way.
No longer!

I'm genuinely excited about the future.
I feel like an amazing person.

"Breathe" - Bliss featuring Sophie Barker.

This melody will fade away and die. Just for today, breathe me and say goodbye.

Yesterday, I swapped this (my old shitty van; that was my only vehicle and used for my Business):




For this (An Alfa Romeo 156 T-Spark):





I realize that it can be seen as one of those types of cars that is a 'penis extension' for guys (and boy do I need it), but seriously....it's not the case. It was simply a case of the guy who wanted to buy my van off me also had a car he wanted to get rid of. Problem solved for both of us it seems.

And oh boy, did I wake up with a fucking terrible head this morning! Last night got a little....crazy.

I'll see only what I wanna see. I'll be only who I wanna be.

I'm off out Saturday night with some of the guys who I work with. We're meeting up in town, having a few drinks, then they plan to go onto somewhere else. I just hope it's a club or late bar instead of some seedy joint or lap dancing club, which they've spoken about. It's not like I want to be a party pooper or anything, but I've never been to a place like that before. Getting out and about, socializing, meeting new people....it's all good. Something I've been lacking. Something I need to do.

And if I'm gonna talk. I just wanna talk. Please don't interrupt. Just sit back and listen.

I don't think I'm finished here just yet....

You in the sea. On a decline. Breaking the waves.

More often than not, although not exclusively, I'm watching myself in third person. Sat in my van, waiting at some road junction or other, when a heavy vehicle ploughs into the side of me with such huge force and speed and destruction.
It's a wreck. A carnage. A black and white mess.
Sometimes I linger, but usually that's more than enough to wake me. Either way I never get to discover how badly injured I am. Or if I survived at all.

If I'm not having shitty dreams, I'm tossing and turning....unable to remember how to feel comfortable in bed. My arms become extra limbs that are in the way no matter how I position myself.

I am so tired.
So very tired of everything.

Use to laugh 'bout nothing, now you're plain boring. I should know that you're not gonna change.

At 3mins 40sec, the little girl on the left with the hula-hoop....she scares me.
But it's forgivable 'cos the best bits at 3mins 52sec and 3mins 54sec are still amusing after many viewings.



Blink and you miss 'em.

They've just played Gwen Stefani's latest song on MTV. I'm watching it at my parent's house on their lovely HD TV, on lovely SKY HD and in lovely surround sound.
*Le Sigh*
Yeah, it sounded like a really good song.

I miss you MTV. I miss you like a fat kids misses cake.

I'm going in for the kill. I'm doing it for a thrill.

Absolutely loving this tune by La Roux.

La Roux - In For The Kill.

And an interesting remix doing the rounds too.

La Roux - In For The Kill (Skream remix).

The other night, I noted to The Girl that the dog eats standing up and the cat eats sitting down. And then we wondered if that was true with other cats and dogs.

I'm sat here in the kitchen wondering whether I should put a pizza in the oven, or mix up some stuff to make cakes. Or neither. The Girl is out tonight. It's very weird sitting here in her empty house. Hmmm, or maybe a bacon sandwich.

We watched Benjamin Button earlier. Blimey that's a long movie. I enjoyed it though. Although I just couldn't like Daisy's character, so the crux of the plotline was miffed for me. I liked the moral of the story though. And they did an outstanding job making Brad Pitt younger throughout the movie. Shame they did such a shit job of making the other characters age, especially Daisy. Oh well.

I need to get back into The Wire. I think I'm up to the last season now, but I got side-tracked by Weeds. And Battlestar Galactica of all things. And Dollhouse. And I really miss Firefly.

You've been hit by, you've been struck by a smooth criminal.

So, all 750,000 tickets for Jacko's upcoming gigs at the O2 Arena all sold out in record time. Wow, that's a shit load a totally dedicated fans right there.
Oh no, hang on.
As of just twelve hours later, Ebay has over 6,500 people listing tickets for sale. And most of them are more than doubling their money. I saw a few pairs, granted they were excellent seats; front row etc, but still....£3,500 for a pair is taking the piss!
It's a fucking travesty that these people can get away with it.

It's ok though. 'Cos he loves us all.
Bless.

Never seem to get in the place that I belong. Don't wanna lose the time, lose the time to come.

Another visit to the Doctor, my own Doctor this time, has resulted in me being diagnosed with Asthma. It's not 100%, but he's pretty sure and there are further tests which I have to attend in a couple of weeks. Lung Function Tests they are. All sounds very ominous, huh?

So where do I stand now?
Well, I'm not sure. But with conversations with the Doc about my current co-habiting with pets and various aspects of the job I do, neither bode too well with me feeling any better anytime soon. If this is Karma biting me on the arse then I'd really like to know what I did that was so wrong....

I knew it was gonna be a tough year, but please.

Sometimes you feel so....so useless. Sometimes I feel so useless. It's a difficult thing to shake. I'm not giving up without a fight though. I know something good is gonna come out of this year, even thought getting there is gonna be so utterly unforgiving.

And I don't want no substitute. Baby, I swear it's Deja Vu.

With each new video it becomes more apparent....
Well, to me at least.
And I find it very difficult to believe that I'm in a small minority here, but alas, I don't hear/see/read many other people mentioning it....the fact that Beyonce isn't a good dancer. I can't help but see a cross between Tina Turner and Freddie Starr. Perish the thought!

Perhaps I am on my own here. Or perhaps I simply need to get out more.

Ha. Blow that horn bitch!

Appliances have gone berserk. I can not keep up.

Even in these tough times, Sony show that they've still got it!



NSFW by the way.

I don't know much, but I know this for certain. And that is the sun poking its head round the curtain.

I seem to be feeling a little better, although I'm still far from feeling one hundred percent.
And I find it ironic that I use that a measure considering I can't even remember the last time I felt anywhere near one hundred percent.
I managed to gain some control over my breathing, assisted by an inhaler, only to find myself suffering with terrible stomach pains and a full and unhealthy relationship with the words 'shit', 'eye' and 'needle'.
Still, it could be worse.

I'm desperately scratching around for work. Have been for weeks now. In the quiet times I made the mistake of searching through websites; reading up about plumbing, construction, recession effects, training and other things that have been a large focus of my life for the past few years. A mistake because I've been left feeling like I've made a huge error. I can see it now. I can see all the info that I should have taken on board way back when I was thinking about ditching out of the rat-race. Left wondering why, why, why didn't I see this coming.
And I still feel like I'm a burden, not a boyfriend.

Of all the times a small person can come into the room, it just has to be when the song "Fuck You" comes on, huh? Nice one Lily!

So....on a scale of one to ten, how happy are you, seriously?

And I can't move my arm, for the fear that you will wake. And I'm five years ago, every thousand miles away.

Without wanting to make such a blanket statement, I think most people would agree that having access to the WWW and The Internet makes life easier.
Just the other day, I was remarking how much easier it must be for school kids nowadays. Long gone are the days when researching a subject or person meant such things as going to a Library or talking and interacting with other people. Perish the thought! The most brain-power they have to apply nowadays is just how much 'copy & paste' they can get away with. Anyway....that wasn't my point.
Since the beginning of the year I've been feeling unwell. My energy levels have been piss poor, but more importantly I've had problems breathing. The best description I can give is that I'm struggling to draw anything other than shallow, rapid breaths. The evenings are the worst, finding me waking up several times; coughing, struggling to catch a breath and feeling like I'm fighting to breathe through a straw. I don't appear to be suffering any cold or flu like symptoms; no sore throat, no headaches, no snotty nose.
I'm aware that giving up smoking can often result in chest/breathing/coughing issues and had probably convinced myself that this was as good an excuse as any. But I just can't manage anymore. I'm waking up several times every night with this breathing problem, causing me to cough and splutter, yack and make the most awful noises while I'm fighting to calm my breathing down. Having to deal with it myself would be bad enough, but I've got other people in the house trying to sleep too and I'm surprised that The Girl hasn't at least tried to muffle me out with a pillow over my face.
I have a Doctor's appointment later this afternoon.
In anticipation of this, I've been surfing around websites, looking at symptoms and possible causes. This is where I'd like to state that having access to the WWW and the Internet isn't such a good thing after all.
Enter "shallow breathing" into Google. Click one site, then another. Follow the links. Click, click, click. Read through one site where all the symptoms sound familiar. Click through to another where it sounds like I've potentially got something else. Page after page, link after link, site after site. All of a sudden it gets to the point where I have to close all the pages down because I'm now wondering which of the potentially fatal diseases I've got. Wonderful.

Safety pins holding up the things that make you mine. About your hair, you needn't care, You look beautiful all the time.

Eurgh. January has proved itself to be a big pile of smelly pants. I know there's a day in January which is known as the most depressing day of the year, but I wonder if the month as a whole is just as guilty. The entire country seems to be in a funk. Even the optimistic must be struggling with these blues.
Not surprisingly, work hasn't picked up any. It's usually quiet after the New Year, but I've found the whole month to be pretty dire. In an effort to push myself out there a little more I'm adopting the "got to speculate to accumulate" train of thought and am paying for additional local advertising. Others seem to be a lot more optimistic about the outcome than I am, and I'd love nothing more than to be proved wrong.
A car accident and cancer claimed two of my friends. 44 and 42 is way, way too early to leave this life as we know it. The universe has a strange way of behaving, sometimes.
If it wasn't for The Girl, I'd most likely be digging myself a nice hide-away right now. I'm really leaning on her at the moment and much as I love her, I'm being plagued more and more by the thought that I'm just not good enough for her. She's working so hard with her Uni work, and doing so well, and I'm often sat watching the days melt into each other. My confidence has been taking knocks on a regular basis. My resilience is dissolving.
I picked the wrong time to stop smoking. Well, so long as nobody's counting last Wednesday when the clutch in the van decided to give up the ghost. I've never had to be recovered before. It's nothing to write home about. I mean, it's not like riding in the back of an ambulance with the blue lights flashing.

And I'm bored with this place too.
And I used to be funny.

I can't believe he's so trusting, while I'm right behind you thrusting.

A little background info on The Shuffleathon 2008.
The names of those participating are put into a hat and drawn out in order to 'pair' people up. By the end of the exercise, each participant has a person to which they now choose, compile, burn and send a mix cd. Each recipient gives the cd a good listen and writes a review on their blog.

The great thing about The Shuffleathon is two-fold:
Firstly, the songs included on the disc to be sent can be anything you like. While there may be unwritten rules to follow, or more so guidelines, it's entirely in the hands of you the sender whether you want to make a compilation of songs that sums up your character and personality, whether you want to be as diverse and impressive as possible with a mix of the obscure, rare and eclectic or whether you just want to include some of your favourite songs. The possibilities are endless. And it's always great to read what your recipient thought of your choices; good, bad, impressed or indifferent.
And secondly, you also get to receive a mix cd from somebody else to listen to and review. This can often be the most rewarding part because you're playlist is entirely in the hands of somebody else. Sometimes there's songs on the disc that serve to remind you just how good a particular song is and why the hell haven't you listened to it yourself lately. Sometimes there's songs on there that you've never heard and catch your interest enough to make you want to dig further. And of course sometimes there's songs that just don't float your boat.

My shuffleathon disc went to Alan of Randomburblings this year and his review can be found here. The disc I received was from Cody Bones, coming all the way from Chicago and after many repeat listens, here's my thoughts....

One : Kanye West - All Fall Down.
I'm quite partial to a little of The Kanye. Ok, so he often gets his knickers in a twist from being in the public eye, which in turn does nothing to denounce his "I'm a bit of a twat" label, but that aside I think he can do pretty good music. This is one of his better known tracks from his first album, with a great sample that doubles as a perfect hook. The female background vocals are the balls of this song and it's a shame that his more recent songs have favoured more of a focus on his own vocals rather than laying out good samples and great hooks.

Two : Junior Walker - Shake And Finger Pop.
Yeah, some old skool soul. I don't know the song, but you gotta have time for a little soul in your life. Carefree and loose is what this song's all about. And good horns. This is the type of song I like to have playing on the cd player in the van, with the windows rolled down on a sunny day. Not that we get many of those over here. Yep, like it.

Three : Vampire Weekend - A~Punk.
Brilliant example of a damn near perfect song. Short, punchy and to the point. I was a little disappointed with their album, but this is good enough to kick start them in the right direction. That hissing hi hat is infectious. That guitar hook is genius. And those floaty keyboards.... A great, great song.

Four : The Outlaws - Green Grass And High Tides.
It starts off all ominous. Grand and epic. It's a good intro. And then, oh dear. It's turned into an upbeat MOR song that I imagine would sit very comfortably on the playlist on some American Country Music radio station. I just keep wanting to "Big wheel's gonna keep on turnin'." And it makes me feel uncomfortable. I'm afraid this does nothing for me and at a running time of almost 10 minutes, it's almost 10 minutes too long.

Five : Rise Against - Drones.
A terrific balls out rock track. The singer isn't anything special and frequently sounds like any other punk/rock outfit with a shouty/screaming singer, but the music is great. It's noisy, loud and I want to hear more. This track is a big winner for me 'cos I've been pointed in the direction of something new to me and I want to hear more.

Six : ZZ Top - Sharp Dressed Man.
Oh dear. I almost used the word hate here, but hate is such a strong word. I dislike ZZ Top. It's boogy-woogy guitar plodding pop/rock that sounds as dated as their famous beards. Next!

Seven : Elbow (No, not that Elbow) - Hog The Bed.
Say hello to AOR. It's ok with it's loose drums, strumming acoustics and nice hammond sound, but loses it with that guitar solo. The banjo in the background keeps the pace jollying along but ultimately the song never reaches anything other than just another AOR song. Unfortunately forgettable and not really anything like the sort of thing I'd been found listening to.

Eight : Grateful Dead - Playing In The Band.
More AOR which sounds very dated, but I'm not sure if it's a modern track given that nostalgic sound. I know very little about The Dead, apart from them being consistently name dropped as an influential band by others and this song is ok, but to me, nothing special. The keyboards parts are the nicest thing about it, but they are few and far between, and not up in the mix enough. Nice enough song, but....nah, I just don't feel anything from this.

Nine : Dick Holliday And The Bamboo Gang - Everybody Knows.
Funky bassline for the intro....cool....and then....oh dear....this reminds me of that horrible double time, happy horn pop stuff the likes Matt Bianco, Kid Creole et al used to produce. Out of everything on the shuffleathon cd, this track is my least favourite.

Ten : Lynyrd Skynrd - Working For The MCA.
Sounds a little like a Lenny Kravitz track to me. Even the vocals aren't that far off. I'd like to award them extra kudos for the simple fact that they named their band without any vowels. This is the sort of song that would probably be found playing in the background on an episode of Starsky And Hutch, with the strippers slithering up and down the poles and Starsky was turning on his charm while Hutch was trying to get Huggy Bear to give up some info. It's kitch 70's and it's agreeable. I'm not sure I could take a whole load of Lynrd Skynrd in one go, but as a song that comes on during random play, it's a good choice.

Eleven : Pat Benetar - Heartbreaker.
I think I might have had a crush on Pat, back in the day. Mid tempo guitar driven rock with Pat's easily recognisable vocals and already I'm cast back to any number of John Hughes movie soundtracks. Not one of her better known tracks, but easy enough on the ear to listen to. Sounding a little dated nowadays, but not enough to take away the nice nostalgic feeling it emotes.

Twelve : Lustra - Scotty Doesn't Know.
Well, I'm not sure that I care what it is that Scotty doesn't know, but from the annoyingly repetitive chorus it appears much more important that he doesn't know, rather than what it is that he doesn't know. Whatever. The song itself is ok. I'd put this in the same area as All American Rejects and the like, and as much as the music itself is cool enough, that fucking chorus drives me nuts.
"Scotty doesn't know, Scotty doesn't know, Scotty doesn't know....Don't tell Scotty"
Well, Scotty can just fuck right off. If it wasn't for the crap lyrics this would be a pretty good song. Shame.

Thirteen : The Fray - Over My Head.
I got The Fray album when it came out and thought it was ok. The stand out tracks have all been released as singles now and their popularity has quite rightly grown. Nice mellow vocals over a piano riff driven pop song. This is the sort of song I'd expect to hear on Grey's Anatomy, or one of those other American teen-type dramas that I don't even watch. Good song. I know it, I like it.

Fourteen : Neil Diamond - Kentucky Women.
Well, I recognise the voice, but I don't know the song. I like some of his stuff, but probably more so because it reminds me of when my folks used to play him. Acoustic guitar and skiffle type drums. I know he's still releasing stuff, some of it gaining critical acclaim, but I don't think I can get away with playing too much of his stuff without feeling like I'd turned into my dad. And that thought doesn't even bear thinking about!

Fifteen : The Beat - Save It For Later.
I know The Beat from their reign over the charts back in the Ska hey day. "Can't get used to losing you" and "Mirror in the bathroom" are classics and two of my favourites from those days. Known as 'English Beat' in America so there was no confusion with an established band already over there, their upbeat ska and two tone sounds formed the soundtrack for many a schoolboy's growing pains in the eighties. It might be time to dig out some old skool ska and soul tunes, thanks to this little gem.

Sixteen : R.E.M - The One I Love.
Well, I really like R.E.M so this is a good, solid choice. One from their earlier days and still sounding good, this bluesy rock number complete with Michael Stipes great vocals reminds me of why I fell in love with them all those years ago. The guitar takes turns to be jangly, then deep and blurry, while the drums pound along and Stipey howls out that chorus. Classic.

Seventeen : The Blues Brothers - Sweet Home Chicago.
See the connection there? Subtle! Ten years ago I would have appreciated this track on the shuffleathon cd a lot more. As it is....it just feels so old. So dated. So....empty. The beauty of the songs from the soundtrack is completely lost without the visual delights of Jake and Elwood, and without that what I'm left with is a song that I'm familiar with, sure, but I'm left feeling short changed. This is felt in all its glory about half way through the song where it just goes on and on and on. In the movie, this is where Jake and Elwood exit the stage and make their escape from all the fuzz. I just really wish this hadn't been the last track on the cd.

So, there you go. Some nice reminders for me to influence my listening habits and some new stuff to search out and enjoy. I'm not sure if there was any theme attached to the tracks included on the cd. Obviously I spotted the Chicago link.
Much thanks to Swiss Toni for all the effort he puts in organising this thing. It's always a fun and enjoyable experience. Thanks to Alan for giving his time to listen to and review my cd. And thanks to Cody Bones for taking the time and effort to do this one for me.

It barks at no one else but me. Like it's seen a ghost.

....
....
Le Sigh.

You can't do that. And it's such an easy way out.

My third involvement with the shuffleathon, painstakingly organised by SwissToni, proved itself to be a bit of a bugger. The main hindrance for me was that 99% of my music is boxed up and out of reach, leaving me with a rather large hole where the inspiration should have come from.
As with most things, there are certain rules....or let's say guidelines that go hand in hand with making a compilation and much as I'd like to admit that I like to bend the rules....this time I feel more like I wiped my arse on them and hung them out to dry.
I could list a baker's dozen reasons why this time it was much more difficult to put the CD together, but I won't. However, what I will say is that the sixteen tracks that made the final cut, only one of which survived the numerous culls since day one, all hold a certain something for me. This hasn't been a project of trumpet blowing proportions, not by any means. I threw out the idea of opening with a blinding track that kicks the listener in the bollocks, grabbing their attention, then continuing with an array of musical selections that were chosen to leave them with an admirable impression of wonderfully varied and eclectic musical tastes and selections.
No, this is much, much more me.

I don't know Alan of Random Burblings, the receiver of my shuffleathon disc. I purposely stayed away from his blog, so as not to find myself swayed by him in my musical choices. After all, this is my shuffleathon disc to him, not vice-versa. Now my disc is in his hands, I shall be reading back through his writings and sticking around, because from what little I've read so far I can't help but like the guy. I'm sure I've stumbled on him before, but in the completely different scenario of a Jack The Ripper message board. How very strange. And to add even more weirdness into the mix, I think he used to verbose with The Girl, back in her blogging days. Small world, huh.


For that cloud reaching guitar hook, for that wonderful mix of different instruments dipping in and out, for the simple reason that they were obviously a talented band even right back in the beginning, for the proof that they weren't always a bunch of 'up their own arses' wankers, for that ingenious angelic choir, for that brilliant banjo intro, for that bassline....that guitar hook....and that anthemic chorus that makes me wanna scream my lungs out, for his voice and those words that could surely touch anybody, for those cheekily clever lyrics, for that dreamy fairytale ending, for her screaming vocals, for that hammond sound that keeps creeping in and those wonderfully strange instruments, for that damned cow-bell, for that building and building of pace and layer, for the way it grows from a simple ditty into a screaming and crashing wall of noise, for that absolutely amazing piano ending that kicks in at 3 minutes 52 that defines the 'hair standing on the back of your neck' moment.
And for a million other reasons....

Thirteen Senses - Thru The Glass
Albert Hammond Jr - Lisa
Elbow - George Lassoes The Moon
Genesis - Duchess
Fightstar - The English Way
Gomez - How We Operate
Jet - Lazy Gun
Radiohead - Last Flowers
The Seahorses - Love Is The Law
Jem feat Vusi Mahlasela - You Will Make It
Paramore - Decode
Talk Talk - Inheritance
Portishead - Magic Door
DJ Shadow feat Christina Carter - What Have I Done
Broken Family Band - It's All Over
Leaves - Epitaph

You got us into this, so get us out of this.

I'd like to say it's been a good one.
And it has.
But, something hasn't been right.
I haven't been right.

It's been a huge year for me. Mahoosive changes.
I'm really pleased that I've survived.

For the first time in many years, I'm going out for New Years Eve. It's been quite a while. I have to admit that New Year celebrations don't do anything for me. And I hate all the crap that goes with it; the drunkenness, the pathetic behaviour, the shouting and the fighting.
Anyway, I can say that technically I'm not going out for New Year celebrations. The Girl and I are going to a night of Birthday celebrations, for one Danny McNamara. We're on the guest list too. Go figure!

There goes another 12 months....

Won't you stay and leave a light on for me?

It's difficult when you have so much to say, to know where to begin.
So maybe I won't.
Maybe I'll just take this time to chill out, get my head more together and enjoy this season for what it is.
And maybe I'll come back here a little later.
Maybe.

Lots of people are alone at Christmas, and it's always those who I think about at this time of year. It doesn't matter about the size of present. It doesn't matter the value. And it's not important that you gave or received the right present, if indeed you gave or received one at all. It's about people. At this time of year, people just like to know that they're not alone.
And they're not.

Good wishes and a peaceful New Year to anybody who stumbles by here.
x

You float like a feather, in a beautiful world. I wish I was special. You're so fucking special.

There's some musical fun going on over at theauditorium.
Swisstoni, LB and I are running down our favourite albums of the year.
What's mildly amusing is that how professional and well written their reviews are. And then there are mine.

This is just a nightmare. Soon I'm gonna wake up. Someone's gonna bring me around.

In my other life, the one I can dream about, I'm everything I want to be.
By day you would find me at the controls of a mixing desk, tucked away inside some recording studio.
Making good bands sound even better.
Making shit bands sound as good as they ever will.
Making sure nobody runs out of coffee.
Being witness to the birth of something wonderful. Time and time again.
Leaving a tiny little dent imprinted for people to find, should they have the inclination to look.
By night you would find me amongst the crowds, seeking out different sounds, different directions, difference.

How could any of that possibly feel like work?

There are things I could've told you. There's a time and a place. Well, my words would allow me to say what I won't change.

The relationship between The Girl and her mum is alien to me.
I've never been witness to such a cool parent and sibling situation before, certainly not first hand anyway. It's very warming to see.

They seem to be able to speak to each other about everything. Everything and anything. And I know that's how it should be between parent and child. After all, what parent wouldn't want to know that their child, their own flesh and blood, can speak to them about anything. Anything in the world.

Sometimes though, it's quite strange to be in the same room as them when The Girl talks openly about things like drugs and sex. Her mum doesn't just sit there and listen. She actively takes part in the conversations, sometimes even instigating them. Just this morning, they were talking at quite some length about how much 'maintenance' having a fanny* is. Previously, there have been discussions about smoking dope, taking pills and the like. And then there's the use of naughty words. The Girl doesn't seem to think twice about dropping in a "fucking" or a "wanker" mid sentence, to which her mum appears to take in with the same ease as having a discussion with a neighbour about keeping chickens in the back yard. When her mum swears, I usually have to ask her if she did just say what I thought she did. And she confirms it with a sly smile. No wincing in sight.
Nice as it is, it still takes some getting used to when I overhear things such as The Girl telling her mum that the reason we didn't answer the phone was because she was upstairs, being taken over the bed. After exchanges of that kind of nature, it's quite amazing that I can still manage to look her mum in the eye.

The relationship I have with my own parents is quite different. I could never speak to them about previous drugs experiences I've had. I can just picture my mum's face when I would be telling her about the last time I was really stoned, or when I used to 'pill-up' before hitting the clubs. Her face would resemble a mixture between a girl who's just found naked pictures of herself on the internet, taken years ago by an ex boyfriend, and a bulldog chewing a wasp. And if I let out a "fuck" or "wanker" into a sentence, I'd almost certainly be blessed with a swift smack round the face. In my younger days it would have been a clip round the ear, but as the years have gone on, the punishments have progressed.
I'd liken the relationship I have with my parents to that of working for a friendly Boss. You could talk to them about things, say the occasional mild swear word, banter around the outlines of sex, things like that. But cross the line and you'd know about it.

I really enjoy being so involved with The Girl's family. They've been nothing but lovely and welcoming to me, and I know that they'll never know just how wonderful that feels for me.

I guess part of me wishes that I had such a cool relationship with my own folks. Even though we get on fine, most times, I can't but wonder what it would have been like had they been more open and loving with me. Because that's exactly what I feel like I lacked in my childhood.



*In the UK sense of wording, not the American.

How did we get here? I used to know you so well.

I love this City.

It takes patience, lots of patience. Then it's over. Fucking over.

I stumbled upon this amusing story earlier and it made me realise just how sucked into the whole virtual world thing people can get. It's bordering on scary.
The Girl is particularly excited about the new expansion pack for World Of Warcraft that's been released today. She's already got her copy, but I insisted she went to uni instead of 'working from home'. Yeah, right. As if she would have done any work, knowing that new undiscovered lands, enemies and quests were within her reach. I don't get the whole WoW thing, but each to their own, I guess.
Needless to say, I've just signed up with Gamer Widow. Just in case.

I've signed up for Swiss Tony's Shuffleathon again.
I'm very much looking forward to listening to the CD currently being compiled for me by Cody Bones. I'm resisting the urge to 'read up' on Cody and the person to whom I will send mine. OK, so I quickly clicked over and had a brief read, but left it at that. I especially don't want anything I read about my recipient influencing my choices. That would take the fun out of it. And I'm not telling them in advance that it's coming from me either. They are, from what I can gather, a well known Blogger, who, by some very odd coincidence used to know The Girl....back in the day.

The Family.
I loved it. Heavily edited, but none-the-less a compelling watch. Each episode found me warming to each family member more and more. Except Emily. Even though the producers managed to show her soft and caring side, she was just far too much of a bitch for me to handle. I liked the mum though, much to The Girl's disapproval.
Unfortunately, it's finished now. Not long enough, dammit! Luckily my Wednesday evening viewing hole can now be filled with new episodes of The Big Bang Theory. Cool.

The Wire.
Season Three is over for me now. It took me a while to get through, but I got there in the end. Whilst I found the last episode a big disappointment, the rest of it was great. I really like the fact that it doesn't matter how minor or major the character is, there's always a chance they wont make it through to the end of the episode. And I don't know whether it's just the way I've connected with it, or if it's down to the excellent writing and presentation, but I can't help but root for the bad guys. Human nature dictates that we would always want to see good prevail over bad, but for me, I like to see the bad guys get through to fight on another day.

There's no good news on the work front. My phone is very quiet, so much so that I went back down to The Midlands a few days ago and did a couple of days work with my mate down there. How desperate is that!? The Girl and I spoke about it again last night. It's all very doom and gloom. Still, it can only get better than it is right now. So, onward and upward and all that jazz.
A refreshing and much needed change to all the depressing crap came in the shape of my birthday last week. The Girl and her family treated me to some lovely presents and a really nice evening out. Although I could have really done without the "Happy Birthday To You" tune in the restaurant, along with the candlelit waffles presented by our waiter. Cue red face and desperate wish to be invisible.

I climbed the wall, the wall of news. I watched them show the tragedy.

It's weird.
I'm sat in my mum and dad's living room, my parents sat on chairs opposite, stoned (me, not them), wondering how I'm gonna explain that I think I've just wiped their hard drive.
Fuck

You change you mind like a girl changes clothes.

There are piles of letters, words and sentences
All waiting in line, taking their time
Fighting to make sense, trying to break out
Of this four walled room, laced with impending doom

Something may escape, although don't count on it
I'm just watching the clock, sadly missing its toc
Staring at the background, willing it away
Lessening the tedium, loosening the symptom

Providing the cure

Now I'm climbing carpet walls, for just another chance.

They had me from the heartbeating intro of "Starlings", to the hypnotising outro of "Scattered Black And Whites".

He's like your lover, your work colleague, your cousin and your best friend all rolled into one. With a passionate love for his hometown. The way he strolls around the stage, doing his best impression of your favourite uncle. The labour of love they all evoke.
Strange setlist. Nothing from "Cast Of Thousands", although it's been commented that they all feel the album rushed and incomplete. Shame, I love that album. If anything, I'd have loved to hear "George Lassoes The Moon", just to hear how well they can play it. Oh, and I wish they'd stop playing "The Fix". I don't know why, but I just can't get into that song.


Looking like he'd feel more comfortable in a woolly cardigan and fluffy slippers, Guy plodded about the stage, occasionally making his point with his hand gestures and making sure we were all ok. Surely he qualifies for nicest person in music, if not, then at least one of the best frontmen around.
This was the crowd 'throwing our curtains wide".

I was completely mesmerised by their performance of"The Loneliness Of A Tower Crane Driver". I was surprised they played it. A slow burning, heartfelt and melancholy song that leaves you feeling like you want to turn the pitch up. It ponders, it meanders, it slow-boats along at its own pace. An unlikely choice for a live crowd pleaser, I thought. But how wrong I was. Guy really sung his heart out on this song. And he sounded even better than on the recording. Amazing.
And they had strings. I love strings.


Judging from her pictures, girlonatrain was about 10 feet or so in front of us.
Phew, close call eh?

Not today, just suck on your plastic spoon. Chase the fucker, George lassoo the moon.

Elbow are playing tonight.
I have tickets.
It's a little touch and go if we will make it.

When I first bought the tickets, I knew in the back of my head that the date was around something I'd previously said yes to. A short while later and my initial fears were realized. The dates clashed!

The gig was off!

By this time, a second date had been announced and consequently sold out, which meant I'd lost the option of going to the second gig and selling my initial tickets on somewhere.
A few conversations followed, resulting in some re-shuffling of schedules and more importantly, everybody was happy.

The gig was back on!

A couple of weeks ago, things took a turn for the worse. Something else came up. Something else that in the scheme of things was more important than an Elbow gig. So, once again I found myself with tickets to see a band that I love, but unable to go.
A few conversations followed. It looked like it was a no-no for the gig, so I resigned myself to the fact that I'd have to do something else with the tickets.

The gig was back off!

My first thought was to list them on a ticket-swap website. After all, there may be a chance that somebody has tickets for the second night, but for one reason or another would prefer to go to the first.

The gig might be back on!

No such luck on that front. So off to the dreaded Ebay I went. My first thought was to sell mine and buy a pair for the second night. I tracked a few sales for both nights going through and saw that the second night tickets were selling for a fair amount more than the first night. So, if I went through this route, not only would I have double hassle with the whole Ebay thing, but I'd also be out of pocket. Spending more money isn't an option for me at the moment, so I once again resigned to the fact that I wouldn't be going at all and should just sell my tickets on.

The gig was back off!

I got to the point of going through endless pages of profile information, updating all my address details, but just couldn't find it in me to actually do the listing.
A couple of days ago, more accurate timings of the other commitment began to unfold. It's possible, although I should probably be careful using that word, that we can do both. Yes, if things run pretty smoothly for the earlier part of the evening, then there's a chance we can make it. We certainly wont get to see the support band and it's likely we may miss the beginning, which is shit, 'cos they're probably gonna kick off with Starlings....
If we're gonna miss too much of it though, then I'd rather not go. It may sound silly, but I've never arrived so late as to miss a full set list by anyone before. And I'm not about to start now.

For me, soaking up the atmosphere in the crowd while waiting for the main band to come on....when the background music stops, when the house lights go down....when the crowd turns from chatter to anticipation and excitement....when the silhouetted figures meander onto the stage....when those last minute tuning notes are fired....when they launch into the first song.... That's what a live experience is all about!

So, I'm back to the gig being back on.
Sort of.
Hopefully.

Fingers crossed, I might see you later, guys.

And in the dark, it comes for me. Malevolent and without thought.

Igor.
Seriously....What a pile of steaming, smelly shit.
That is all.

As a matter of fact, don't let nothin' hold you back. If the Scatman can do it brother, so can you.

First came the subject of the correct way to hang toilet roll. Then came the controversial (and widely practised, it appears) discussion about reading on the toilet. Now comes the next installment of what appears to be a growing area of disputation that's come about since I've been staying with The Girl.

A few nights ago, we both went upstairs, heading for bed. Whilst in the bathroom, brushing my teeth, in comes The Girl heading for the toilet. I turn around and see she's already in 'reverse up, ready to pull jeans down' mode. Whoah there! In fact I said that. "Whoah there!", said I. What followed was a giggly discussion about the subject of going to the toilet in front of your partner. I'm not even sure if The Girl actually intended to use the toilet or if she did it because she wanted to see what my reaction would be. Well, she's now fully informed. I was so traumatized by it all that we ended up going from a giggly discussion to a full blown argument, resulting in me staying at my parents house this weekend. Actually, one of those last parts isn't true.

It doesn't matter how long you've been with your partner. It doesn't matter that you've probably had your hands and mouth in their most intimate of places. It doesn't matter if you're über cool and relaxed with each other.
It Doesn't Matter!
You just don't go to the toilet in front of your partner!
There will undoubtedly be people who disagree with me, but just so you know, they're wrong.

It's only a partner thing for me though. Other areas are a little mixed up. For example, I'd take a piss in front of friends and family, although definitely not my mum. Or any of my aunts for that matter. And I'll include my nan in that exclusion list too. But my brother, his wife, my friends....not a problem.
I should point out that I'd draw the line with anybody when it comes to doing a *number two. Who on earth would want to be present when somebody else is taking a shit?!
And as for all that scat porn . Who the fuck finds mixing shit with sex a turn on?!!! I mean, I'm all for people having different views and opinions, but really!

I wonder if Scatman John ever lived down the day he discovered the meaning behind his name. Unless of course he knew it all along. In which case....Eeuw! The dirty fucking bastard. Oh, and it's a shit song too. Although there's a good hook in there, dammit. This would be the sort of thing I'd download when I'm stoned.




So, last night I sat in my mum and dad's dining room, with the music channels on their big tv, the sound up and smoked a phat spliff. There was a split second when I felt really guilty about it. But then I remembered they were away....somewhere abroad, sunning themselves up. I slept really well and felt really pleased with myself that I hadn't given in to the munchies episode last night. I checked their fridge and all chocolate bars were still present and correct.

*I wonder if Jacob or Max Bevis know they have been referenced on the www. Although it's not really the sort of thing you'd sing and shout about. Well done to user wangdong for letting everybody know though.

The last time I freaked out, I just kept lookin' down. I st st stuttered when you asked me what I'm thinkin' 'bout.

I've been ill.
I'm still feeling under the weather, but on a plus side, this morning I think I got 'blessed' by a Jewish guy and then later found myself having a coffee and a chat with a guy who's written scripts for Hollyoaks.
Yesterday, I was sawing a toilet cistern off a wall because some bright spark thought it would be a good idea to use 'no more nails' glue instead of the traditional (and more common sense) screws to stabilise it.
It's been a strange week.

The devil went down to Georgia, he was looking for a soul to steal. He was in a bind 'cos he was way behind; he was willin' to make a deal.

We should have been going out tonight.
Seeing a movie and having something to eat was mentioned....
But no.
We've had the very lives sucked out of us, courtesy of a four hour visit to Ikea.
Four . Fucking . Hours .
If I were ever offered the choice of either facing Diablo Himself, or taking a trip to Ikea....I'd be willing to take my chances.

Thank fuck I've got something to smoke tonight.

Again, I'm the one they all run from. Diatribes of clouded sun. Someone help me find the pause button.

It's not like it's new territory, living with somebody else. I've done it once before. But it's certainly unfamiliar.
Talking about it on countless occasions led my mind to being some-what brainwashed into thinking I was prepared for how I would feel. And thinking I'd covered all bases, played through visioned scenery in my head, imagined all that I could, I was still way off the reality.

Work has been extremely slow, and coupled with repeated brushes with impending financial doom, completely changing my day to day living habits and a general feeling of being 'surplus to requirements' in my new environment has been taking it's toll.
A few days last week were the worst. Previous to that, my moods had been up and down more frequently than a prostitutes' knickers. But when I came crashing down last week, well, I really felt the bump at the bottom. And worst of all, I did my best impression of a hedgehog, rolling up into a ball, folding inside myself, trying to hide away. I know it's the worst thing I could have done. On reflection, that is. At the time it felt like the safest place I could have been. A place that had the smallest effect on those around me.
"Those around me"....
That's what's been the biggest change. Previously, I'd been in the safety of my own house. Just me, the music and Marley - my houseplant. The down times there were easier to handle. I didn't have to play the hedgehog. I didn't have to wrap up and roll inside myself, hiding way. Nobody else was affected by my mood and at the time I don't think I realised just how much easier that can be.

Changing from living on my own, to living in a house with four other people has been the biggest change that I've had to deal with, certainly in the last 10 years. Changing jobs, moving house; it's all child's play compared to this. There's very little one can do to prepare. It's all fine and dandy thinking things through, playing out scenarios in one's mind, but the reality can deliver a blow to the stomach, enough to takes one's wind away.

It's very scary. Even though they aren't strangers, it's still very scary.
There's the whole 'being accepted' thing. Then there's the 'not wanting to be seen as a kind of replacement' thing. Not wanting to upset the balance of their routine, feeling like you want to be included, but that repetitive internal voice saying, "You're getting in the way. You're just in the way". It's very difficult to find a gentle balance between involvement and intrusion.

But stop. This isn't a 'shit stinks' post.
It's terribly easy to think that the only person having these confusing and frustrating feelings is me. There's four other people to consider now. And remembering just that is what pulled me out of the depths. Everything must be strange and odd and weird and different for each one of them too.
I don't want to be moping around, worrying about a lack of work. I don't want things like that bringing me down, consequently bringing the mood of the house down. It's embarrassing being seen by people when I'm feeling like that. So, my focus has shifted. I've seen where the true priorities lie and it's nothing to do with having no work, or moving to an area where I have no friends, or finding myself scraping the very bottom of my financial barrel. It's being with the people that I love. And growing our relationships together.

There's a feeling that I'm learning things all over again.
And it's a nice feeling.
A welcome feeling.

Go to bed, everything's alright. Don't you know the whole world's changing as you sleep at night.

The Girl has just stated that she can tell the difference in taste between cake mixes that are made with plain flour or self-raising flour.
Now that's surely a talent!

You got me racin'. Anticipatin'. And I don't think I can handle this.

Further evidence of the very strange phenomenon of reading whilst on the toilet:

I took this picture on my camera phone on Saturday night. This quite clearly shows evidence of a 'toilet-reader' in my brother's house.
What the hell is going on?!?!
It's all very, very wrong if you ask me. When you need to go to the toilet (obviously talking solids here), you should simply sit down, do your business, wipe up, flush, wash your hands and leave. The whole process should be a matter of minutes and there should be no, repeat no time to read anything!

Crosswords through the bathroom door, while someone sings the theme-tune to the news.

Slightly concerning moments in our relationship; Part Three.

She rambled on; something about the mirror and possibly being there for a while. Mid-way through her nervously delivered explanation, I was already shaking my head in disbelief. Disbelief and quite frankly shock at the sight of The Girl taking her Steven King book with her, to read on the toilet!

Oh well, in five years time we could be walking round a zoo. With the sun shining down over me and you.

Another slightly concerning moment in our relationship becomes apparent:

"You prefer Ben & Jerry's over Häagen-Dazs?!"

Pull me out of the aircrash. Pull me out of the lake.

It's been a difficult week.
When things don't go your way, it's very easy to find yourself being groped and mauled by negativity.

Things get tainted. Expectations get blackened. The day becomes tattooed all black and grey. And the worst thing of all, is when it takes all of your strength to keep chalking in that line. The line that draws a circle around you, defending all the goodness in your life against the dark and the ominous. Against the sinister and wicked.

I'd be lying if I said it had all been doom and gloom.
It hasn't.
And things can and will get better.

[Interlude]

Hello avid Some Guy readers!
I just thought I'd drop by.
So Some Guy, would actually be My Guy, because I'm The Girl. Making my Some Guy Blog debut. Thrilling! So SG has moved in with me and begun posting pics of my toilet roll misdemeanors eh? It's a travesty. Can I just point out that the god awful toilet roll holder and god awful wallpaper is nothing to do with me. Naturally my first concern when I found out he's been blogging about toilet roll. Can I also just add that the toilet roll has been 'rectified' (no pun intended) by myself in order to make the transition for SG into my home more comforting for him. Later when he's more settled I will of course continue with my previous 'random placement' habits, and if I'm feeling especially churlish he might get a pile of empty toilet rolls dumped under the sheets in his side of the bed. Oh i'm so dastardly!
I'd like to say hello to SG's readers, and thank you for supporting him via the power of blogworld with all the mad things that have been going on with him over the last few years. Holding his slightly clammy bloggy hand as he ventures forth onto new paths on his journey.
Anyway, that'll do from me for now. Let normal male service resume!

Enough about me, let's talk about you for a minute. Enough about you, let's talk about life for a while.

The balance of the universe is once again restored.


"I don't really mind which way it goes", The Girl says. "I just put the roll into the holder and don't find out which way round it's hanging until I peel off the first sheet."

How completely fucking random is that!

Going back to the corner, where I first saw you. Gonna camp in my sleeping bag, I'm not gonna move.

Temporarily living with The Girl has some distinct advantages.
Watching her do Pilates is one of them.

Her dog appears to have moved on from the 'excited to see me' stage; yapping, running on the spot, jumping up at my legs, to the realisation that I may have moved in on his turf. I've caught him a few times giving me his best attempt at a displeased look.
Her cat perfected that look many months ago.

Open, baby you've left me. Oh and now I'm shattered into a million pieces.

It's beginning to dawn on me that it will be a while before I begin to think of myself as a resident of this city, instead of a visitor.
The Girl needed a few art supplies, so we hopped on a tram into the city and spent some time wandering around The Northern Quarter. I really like it there. We've only seen a fraction of the area, but from the little we've seen, it's definitely somewhere I'd like to spend a lot more time.

I've made a worrying discovery. The Girl hangs her toilet roll the wrong way round.
I feel pretty confident in saying that even though it's probably not something one would consciously 'think about' whilst changing the roll, it's almost certainly a sub-conscious decision that ensures that the roll is always hung the same way round.
Next time the roll needs changing, I'm gonna hang it the other way round....the correct way round and see how long it takes before The Girl says something.

Blimey! A disagreement over the correct way to hang toilet roll could cause a rift in our relationship!

'Cause every once in a while, you think about if you're gonna get yourself together.

I travelled light.
It could be seen as a worrying sign to know that your entire life can be moved almost a hundred miles in just the back of a car and a small van. But I don't feel anything other than free. I feel like I've shed a shit load of years. Years that I'd finished with. Years that held nothing else for me, except distant memories.
There's a huge sense of relief coming over me and most of that is due to me moving up with just the things that matter to me. My music, my clothes, my pc, my magazines, my DVD's, Marley; my plant, my spent gig tickets and a few other items.
No furniture. No bulky stuff. Very few material things. All of that was either recycled, thrown in the local dump or left for the new tenant to help her out.

I feel like I'm being given the chance to start all over again.
I feel like a nobody with nothing to prove.

For the last time you have me in bits, now shut up and let me go.

I've never been one for lists. I understand the usefulness of such things, but I've generally shied away from them on the basis that when I start one, it always ends up huge and leaves me with a feeling that I'm facing a huge mountain that's impossible to climb.

When I worked in Sales, they would always encourage the use of lists.
Lists for things to be done that day. Lists for things that need to be done, but not necessarily that day. Lists for things that need to be done by other people that affect my own lists in some sort of fashion. And then there were lists of the other lists that would allow me to keep track of where I was with it all.
Prioritise this. Shuffle that. Scratch that thing off and add this, that and the other.
"Lists will help you organise your time better", they would say.
"Keeping an up to date list, crossing off what you've achieved will help motivate you", they would chant.
"Organise your list so that you can easily prioritise your jobs and focus your time and effort on the important stuff, instead of wondering just where to start", they would preach.
Regular training courses would be provided, especially when they wanted to introduce us to the latest 'tools' that they'd found to help us achieve such brilliant listing skills.
On reflection, my organisation skills in a work environment were usually pretty good, with or without any kind of listing system. It's just in my personal life where I suck.

Over the next couple of days I need to get my shit together, because at the weekend I need to be out of this house.
Over the next couple of days I need to pack everything up that I'm taking with me, some ninety miles north of here.
Over the next couple of days I need to change my address with everything that's associated with me and leave this house ready for whoever is going to be my tenant.
Over the next couple of days I need to cancel, change, redirect, check and then double check things so that I don't end up in a damn mess.

I think I'm gonna need a list.

She lives with a broken man. A cracked polystyrene man, who just crumbles and burns.

When I was around fourteen years old, I had cakes and a drink in Ozzy Osbourne's Mum's house.
There's more to it than that, but on the sliding scale of the 'claim to fame' score-sheet, nothing more needs to be said.

Home. Home is where the house is. Roads and roads of houses. Roads that carry on.

Due to apparently choosing the worst time in the world to try to sell my house, I've been running with a back up plan.
A plan B. An escape route. A get out clause.
The Lettings Agency that I do some work for had offered to market the house, with a view to renting it out. After a short dose of nothing, things seem to have changed for the better. Yesterday, I was told that somebody has said they want the place and will make arrangements to pay deposits and such forth, even without seeing it. Today, I popped in to see if things were still progressing and was told that a second player has now stepped up to the mark and also wants the place. Apparently it's now just a case of waiting to see who puts their money where their mouth is.
So....I wait.
I don't know anything about this second person, but the one from yesterday is a girl with three kids living in Devon, which is close on 200 miles away. As far as I understand it, she wants to make a clean break from where she is and move a fair distance to make a fresh start for herself and her kids. Of course it would be completely unfair of me to favour this person over the other, considering I know nothing about them, but already I can't help feeling like it's the right thing to do. I could be helping this girl and her kids out.
Anyway....I'm just waiting.

How strange that all this sudden house activity has happened at the same time some bastard stole the "For Rent" board sign from outside the house.

I started looking and the bubble burst. I started looking for excuses.

So far, this year has been a difficult one.

Living hand to mouth, in a house that doesn't feel like my home. A house that I need to be rid of. A house that feels like it's become a noose around my neck.
Countless restless nights. Tossing and turning. Worrying how bills are gonna get paid and pathetically hoping that if I turn a blind eye to them, they will just go away. Bills that go hand in hand with owning this stupid noose around my neck.
My moodswings rearing their ugly head, once again. I can feel the burning breath of my depression as it's been snapping away at my heels....once again.
Divisions growing between me and my family. Particularly my brother, who appears to be putting more space between us than ever before and I've not even moved away yet.
Trying to keep enough money in my pocket, so next time I see people they don't look me up and down thinking I've lost weight. My poor fridge has never been so consistently empty. Since giving up a job in the rat race and trying to set myself up as self employed, it's been difficult to put it mildly. This year so far has been particularly cruel.
Being down hasn't stopped me getting kicked in the guts.

In two weeks time, unless something catastrophic happens, I'm gonna be leaving this place. And with it, I'd like to be leaving behind the part of myself that's been clutching on and clawing me back.
I'd like to travel as light as possible, so I will feel like I'm starting all over again.

I'll sing it one last time for you. Then we really have to go. You've been the only thing that's right, in all I've done.

Can you know someone too much?
It's common knowledge that in many cases, relationships break down because for one reason or another, the two people just didn't know each other.
But, how about if you know someone really well? Inside, out. Is that also a reason for relationship breakdowns?

How about if you knew what times your partner would eat. What they would wear. Which shoes they would match with that top.
How about if you knew what time your partner liked to always be in bed. How many pages in the book they would turn before they reach for the light. Which TV programmes they would like.
How about if you knew which food to order for them in a restaurant, every time. Exactly which clothes to buy for them and what they already have that they would match it to.
How about....if you could stop yourself anytime of day and pretty much know where your partner would be and most likely what they were doing.
How about if finishing their sentences had become a known entity years ago.

One of the best things about being in a relationship is getting to know the other person. Over time; weeks, months, years, you learn a little more about this person you love. So if you reach that point....does that then make the relationship feel like a lemon permanently in your mouth? Does this become the point of boredom?