Sunday, October 12

As a matter of fact, don't let nothin' hold you back. If the Scatman can do it brother, so can you.

First came the subject of the correct way to hang toilet roll. Then came the controversial (and widely practised, it appears) discussion about reading on the toilet. Now comes the next installment of what appears to be a growing area of disputation that's come about since I've been staying with The Girl.

A few nights ago, we both went upstairs, heading for bed. Whilst in the bathroom, brushing my teeth, in comes The Girl heading for the toilet. I turn around and see she's already in 'reverse up, ready to pull jeans down' mode. Whoah there! In fact I said that. "Whoah there!", said I. What followed was a giggly discussion about the subject of going to the toilet in front of your partner. I'm not even sure if The Girl actually intended to use the toilet or if she did it because she wanted to see what my reaction would be. Well, she's now fully informed. I was so traumatized by it all that we ended up going from a giggly discussion to a full blown argument, resulting in me staying at my parents house this weekend. Actually, one of those last parts isn't true.

It doesn't matter how long you've been with your partner. It doesn't matter that you've probably had your hands and mouth in their most intimate of places. It doesn't matter if you're ├╝ber cool and relaxed with each other.
It Doesn't Matter!
You just don't go to the toilet in front of your partner!
There will undoubtedly be people who disagree with me, but just so you know, they're wrong.

It's only a partner thing for me though. Other areas are a little mixed up. For example, I'd take a piss in front of friends and family, although definitely not my mum. Or any of my aunts for that matter. And I'll include my nan in that exclusion list too. But my brother, his wife, my friends....not a problem.
I should point out that I'd draw the line with anybody when it comes to doing a *number two. Who on earth would want to be present when somebody else is taking a shit?!
And as for all that scat porn . Who the fuck finds mixing shit with sex a turn on?!!! I mean, I'm all for people having different views and opinions, but really!

I wonder if Scatman John ever lived down the day he discovered the meaning behind his name. Unless of course he knew it all along. In which case....Eeuw! The dirty fucking bastard. Oh, and it's a shit song too. Although there's a good hook in there, dammit. This would be the sort of thing I'd download when I'm stoned.

So, last night I sat in my mum and dad's dining room, with the music channels on their big tv, the sound up and smoked a phat spliff. There was a split second when I felt really guilty about it. But then I remembered they were away....somewhere abroad, sunning themselves up. I slept really well and felt really pleased with myself that I hadn't given in to the munchies episode last night. I checked their fridge and all chocolate bars were still present and correct.

*I wonder if Jacob or Max Bevis know they have been referenced on the www. Although it's not really the sort of thing you'd sing and shout about. Well done to user wangdong for letting everybody know though.

8 parlez:

Jon said...

I've got to say I think it must be an individual and my other half don't have any hang-up's about peeing in front of each other. Sure I'd never be in the room if she was taking a little more time in there but if I absolutely had to be it wouldn't be a problem. One day I might end up having to take her to the toilet and sort her out if something bad happens, so it's pointless treating it with too much negativity now.

Fern said...

do all these bathroom issues somehow dovetail into the fact that you are a plumber?

just asking.

Jo said...

I can (and pretty much do) wee anywhere, in front of anyone. Except perhaps my dad. I'm not claiming this as a positive character trait, it's just the way it is.

The other ... well I spent a year backpacking with my Significant Ex in my early 20s, and once you've shared an ensuite room in Delhi with someone with amoebic dysentery there's not much mystique left. So I'm not particularly bothered about that either, or the whole sanpro thing. It's not like I prefer an audience, but it's just bodies. They do stuff. Better to know.

Cat said...

I'm very much of the opinion that if you're sharing other bodily fluids, you don't need to be coy about doing a wee in front of your partner if the situation crops up. I wouldn't go out of my way deliberately, but if one of you's in the shower and the other's desperate, then it's fine.

I've never pooed in front of someone else, and thankfully no-one's pooed in my company either.

treacle said...

your post made me laugh out loud. I am with the Cat girl on this one. I have peed in front of my ex - well he was in the shower and I needed to go...but I'd never poo in front of anyone unless I could really help it.


bedshaped said...

Well, you're all quite clearly crazy, and wrong.

All these bathroom antics have become more apparant since I've been staying with The Girl. I don't think it's in any way related to my job, it's more likely a result of me having to live with someone again.

Anonymous said...

wow. i am truly honestly divided on this one, guy. on the one hand, i'm living with someone i've been with since i was 18 so we were rather immature when we met. and we've been through all manner of illness and childbirth and what not. so we really don't care.

however. however. were i to be with someone new. say, someone sexy and wonderful and creative whom i had fallen in love with at this juncture in my life.... you are absolutely one hundred percent correct! no way will i sully his good impressions of me so carelessly. no. way. uh. uh. never.

i hope that mattered at all. good day.

bedshaped said...

Yes, what you said made perfect sense. Thanks.