Tuesday, September 16

Again, I'm the one they all run from. Diatribes of clouded sun. Someone help me find the pause button.

It's not like it's new territory, living with somebody else. I've done it once before. But it's certainly unfamiliar.
Talking about it on countless occasions led my mind to being some-what brainwashed into thinking I was prepared for how I would feel. And thinking I'd covered all bases, played through visioned scenery in my head, imagined all that I could, I was still way off the reality.

Work has been extremely slow, and coupled with repeated brushes with impending financial doom, completely changing my day to day living habits and a general feeling of being 'surplus to requirements' in my new environment has been taking it's toll.
A few days last week were the worst. Previous to that, my moods had been up and down more frequently than a prostitutes' knickers. But when I came crashing down last week, well, I really felt the bump at the bottom. And worst of all, I did my best impression of a hedgehog, rolling up into a ball, folding inside myself, trying to hide away. I know it's the worst thing I could have done. On reflection, that is. At the time it felt like the safest place I could have been. A place that had the smallest effect on those around me.
"Those around me"....
That's what's been the biggest change. Previously, I'd been in the safety of my own house. Just me, the music and Marley - my houseplant. The down times there were easier to handle. I didn't have to play the hedgehog. I didn't have to wrap up and roll inside myself, hiding way. Nobody else was affected by my mood and at the time I don't think I realised just how much easier that can be.

Changing from living on my own, to living in a house with four other people has been the biggest change that I've had to deal with, certainly in the last 10 years. Changing jobs, moving house; it's all child's play compared to this. There's very little one can do to prepare. It's all fine and dandy thinking things through, playing out scenarios in one's mind, but the reality can deliver a blow to the stomach, enough to takes one's wind away.

It's very scary. Even though they aren't strangers, it's still very scary.
There's the whole 'being accepted' thing. Then there's the 'not wanting to be seen as a kind of replacement' thing. Not wanting to upset the balance of their routine, feeling like you want to be included, but that repetitive internal voice saying, "You're getting in the way. You're just in the way". It's very difficult to find a gentle balance between involvement and intrusion.

But stop. This isn't a 'shit stinks' post.
It's terribly easy to think that the only person having these confusing and frustrating feelings is me. There's four other people to consider now. And remembering just that is what pulled me out of the depths. Everything must be strange and odd and weird and different for each one of them too.
I don't want to be moping around, worrying about a lack of work. I don't want things like that bringing me down, consequently bringing the mood of the house down. It's embarrassing being seen by people when I'm feeling like that. So, my focus has shifted. I've seen where the true priorities lie and it's nothing to do with having no work, or moving to an area where I have no friends, or finding myself scraping the very bottom of my financial barrel. It's being with the people that I love. And growing our relationships together.

There's a feeling that I'm learning things all over again.
And it's a nice feeling.
A welcome feeling.

5 parlez:

Fern said...

It qualifies one for sainthood, I think, living with other people.

Nice solid feel-good, Bedshaped. Can't quite say why, but there it is, my "something to say."

Fern said...

ah I forgot the word, 'post.'

"a nice, solid, feel-good post."

orangefrute88 said...

i feel like ward is saying to june, look at our boy, honey, he's becoming a man. or something

Cat said...

I'm struggling with my mood a bit at the moment, and am finding it hard to be around other people. I wonder if I should just force myself, and perhaps it would make me feel better. But either way, both of us will get through it, that much I know.

bedshaped said...

Awe, thanks everyone.