Sunday, August 3

I started looking and the bubble burst. I started looking for excuses.

So far, this year has been a difficult one.

Living hand to mouth, in a house that doesn't feel like my home. A house that I need to be rid of. A house that feels like it's become a noose around my neck.
Countless restless nights. Tossing and turning. Worrying how bills are gonna get paid and pathetically hoping that if I turn a blind eye to them, they will just go away. Bills that go hand in hand with owning this stupid noose around my neck.
My moodswings rearing their ugly head, once again. I can feel the burning breath of my depression as it's been snapping away at my heels....once again.
Divisions growing between me and my family. Particularly my brother, who appears to be putting more space between us than ever before and I've not even moved away yet.
Trying to keep enough money in my pocket, so next time I see people they don't look me up and down thinking I've lost weight. My poor fridge has never been so consistently empty. Since giving up a job in the rat race and trying to set myself up as self employed, it's been difficult to put it mildly. This year so far has been particularly cruel.
Being down hasn't stopped me getting kicked in the guts.

In two weeks time, unless something catastrophic happens, I'm gonna be leaving this place. And with it, I'd like to be leaving behind the part of myself that's been clutching on and clawing me back.
I'd like to travel as light as possible, so I will feel like I'm starting all over again.

7 parlez:

Annie said...

Good luck Bedshaped... hang on in there.

Beth said...

Yes, good luck - maybe your brother is putting the space between you already in practise for when you have gone?

SL said...

Mate, my I offer a small crumb of tough love?

You ARE about to start a new life in a new town with the girl you love and what happens from that point forward is ENTIRELY up to you.

There is nothing holding you back.

The house? Stick it up for rent and take the income to cover or part-cover the mortgage. It isn't an albatross, it's an asset that you can actually do very well out of.

The family? Whatever choices they make regarding you are theirs to make. You can only be yourself and always remain open to them. Don't close yourself off even if you feel they are doing the same to you.

Bedshaped, you should be looking forward to this more than you've ever looked forward to anything. But all I get from reading this blog is fear (and I know it's 'just' a blog and doesn't paint the whole picture). Let go of it. This will be a fantastic part of your life.

I realise it's often hard to see the good through the self-imposed gloom and I'm sorry to go on so long, but dammit, man, get over yourself, get motivated and get EXCITED! You're going to be with the woman you love. It doesn't GET any better than that!

orangefrute88 said...

enjoy the adventure! and vent all you must

Fern said...

rah rah..sl! nice crumb.

and there is this:
Life throws all sorts of crap at him, yet somehow he still manages to pick himself up.

Chloe said...

good luck bedshaped. this may be the chance to turn it all around.
tell yourself you'll be positive for 10 days in a row. Force yourself. Feelings don't really matter. Feelings are subjective. Meaning, we can rule over them. If it's really depression seek help. If it's angst because of the situation, rise above it and tame it. Does all this sound like crap? I've been there too.

bedshaped said...

annie,
Thank you. I'm hangin' on.

beth,
Yeah, maybe he is. I dunno. If it were the other way around I know I'd make more of the time before the distance becomes more of an issue.

sl,
Yes, yes and yes. No, maybe not and ooer missus!
I know what you're saying. Yes, I can tell you that it is a very exciting time for me. Lots of things are changing and I should be looking forward to all the 'new'. I should....and I want to....but I will freely admit that it still scares the shit outta me.
The sense of fear doesn't outweigh the excitement, not by a long shot. But I've been finding it easier and more cathargic to push the fear out of me and keep the excitement inside.

orangefrute88,
Oh yes, there may well be some venting!

fern,
Yeah, I can't deny that.

chloe,
Have you been drinking?