You got us into this, so get us out of this.

I'd like to say it's been a good one.
And it has.
But, something hasn't been right.
I haven't been right.

It's been a huge year for me. Mahoosive changes.
I'm really pleased that I've survived.

For the first time in many years, I'm going out for New Years Eve. It's been quite a while. I have to admit that New Year celebrations don't do anything for me. And I hate all the crap that goes with it; the drunkenness, the pathetic behaviour, the shouting and the fighting.
Anyway, I can say that technically I'm not going out for New Year celebrations. The Girl and I are going to a night of Birthday celebrations, for one Danny McNamara. We're on the guest list too. Go figure!

There goes another 12 months....

Won't you stay and leave a light on for me?

It's difficult when you have so much to say, to know where to begin.
So maybe I won't.
Maybe I'll just take this time to chill out, get my head more together and enjoy this season for what it is.
And maybe I'll come back here a little later.
Maybe.

Lots of people are alone at Christmas, and it's always those who I think about at this time of year. It doesn't matter about the size of present. It doesn't matter the value. And it's not important that you gave or received the right present, if indeed you gave or received one at all. It's about people. At this time of year, people just like to know that they're not alone.
And they're not.

Good wishes and a peaceful New Year to anybody who stumbles by here.
x

You float like a feather, in a beautiful world. I wish I was special. You're so fucking special.

There's some musical fun going on over at theauditorium.
Swisstoni, LB and I are running down our favourite albums of the year.
What's mildly amusing is that how professional and well written their reviews are. And then there are mine.

This is just a nightmare. Soon I'm gonna wake up. Someone's gonna bring me around.

In my other life, the one I can dream about, I'm everything I want to be.
By day you would find me at the controls of a mixing desk, tucked away inside some recording studio.
Making good bands sound even better.
Making shit bands sound as good as they ever will.
Making sure nobody runs out of coffee.
Being witness to the birth of something wonderful. Time and time again.
Leaving a tiny little dent imprinted for people to find, should they have the inclination to look.
By night you would find me amongst the crowds, seeking out different sounds, different directions, difference.

How could any of that possibly feel like work?

There are things I could've told you. There's a time and a place. Well, my words would allow me to say what I won't change.

The relationship between The Girl and her mum is alien to me.
I've never been witness to such a cool parent and sibling situation before, certainly not first hand anyway. It's very warming to see.

They seem to be able to speak to each other about everything. Everything and anything. And I know that's how it should be between parent and child. After all, what parent wouldn't want to know that their child, their own flesh and blood, can speak to them about anything. Anything in the world.

Sometimes though, it's quite strange to be in the same room as them when The Girl talks openly about things like drugs and sex. Her mum doesn't just sit there and listen. She actively takes part in the conversations, sometimes even instigating them. Just this morning, they were talking at quite some length about how much 'maintenance' having a fanny* is. Previously, there have been discussions about smoking dope, taking pills and the like. And then there's the use of naughty words. The Girl doesn't seem to think twice about dropping in a "fucking" or a "wanker" mid sentence, to which her mum appears to take in with the same ease as having a discussion with a neighbour about keeping chickens in the back yard. When her mum swears, I usually have to ask her if she did just say what I thought she did. And she confirms it with a sly smile. No wincing in sight.
Nice as it is, it still takes some getting used to when I overhear things such as The Girl telling her mum that the reason we didn't answer the phone was because she was upstairs, being taken over the bed. After exchanges of that kind of nature, it's quite amazing that I can still manage to look her mum in the eye.

The relationship I have with my own parents is quite different. I could never speak to them about previous drugs experiences I've had. I can just picture my mum's face when I would be telling her about the last time I was really stoned, or when I used to 'pill-up' before hitting the clubs. Her face would resemble a mixture between a girl who's just found naked pictures of herself on the internet, taken years ago by an ex boyfriend, and a bulldog chewing a wasp. And if I let out a "fuck" or "wanker" into a sentence, I'd almost certainly be blessed with a swift smack round the face. In my younger days it would have been a clip round the ear, but as the years have gone on, the punishments have progressed.
I'd liken the relationship I have with my parents to that of working for a friendly Boss. You could talk to them about things, say the occasional mild swear word, banter around the outlines of sex, things like that. But cross the line and you'd know about it.

I really enjoy being so involved with The Girl's family. They've been nothing but lovely and welcoming to me, and I know that they'll never know just how wonderful that feels for me.

I guess part of me wishes that I had such a cool relationship with my own folks. Even though we get on fine, most times, I can't but wonder what it would have been like had they been more open and loving with me. Because that's exactly what I feel like I lacked in my childhood.



*In the UK sense of wording, not the American.

How did we get here? I used to know you so well.

I love this City.

It takes patience, lots of patience. Then it's over. Fucking over.

I stumbled upon this amusing story earlier and it made me realise just how sucked into the whole virtual world thing people can get. It's bordering on scary.
The Girl is particularly excited about the new expansion pack for World Of Warcraft that's been released today. She's already got her copy, but I insisted she went to uni instead of 'working from home'. Yeah, right. As if she would have done any work, knowing that new undiscovered lands, enemies and quests were within her reach. I don't get the whole WoW thing, but each to their own, I guess.
Needless to say, I've just signed up with Gamer Widow. Just in case.

I've signed up for Swiss Tony's Shuffleathon again.
I'm very much looking forward to listening to the CD currently being compiled for me by Cody Bones. I'm resisting the urge to 'read up' on Cody and the person to whom I will send mine. OK, so I quickly clicked over and had a brief read, but left it at that. I especially don't want anything I read about my recipient influencing my choices. That would take the fun out of it. And I'm not telling them in advance that it's coming from me either. They are, from what I can gather, a well known Blogger, who, by some very odd coincidence used to know The Girl....back in the day.

The Family.
I loved it. Heavily edited, but none-the-less a compelling watch. Each episode found me warming to each family member more and more. Except Emily. Even though the producers managed to show her soft and caring side, she was just far too much of a bitch for me to handle. I liked the mum though, much to The Girl's disapproval.
Unfortunately, it's finished now. Not long enough, dammit! Luckily my Wednesday evening viewing hole can now be filled with new episodes of The Big Bang Theory. Cool.

The Wire.
Season Three is over for me now. It took me a while to get through, but I got there in the end. Whilst I found the last episode a big disappointment, the rest of it was great. I really like the fact that it doesn't matter how minor or major the character is, there's always a chance they wont make it through to the end of the episode. And I don't know whether it's just the way I've connected with it, or if it's down to the excellent writing and presentation, but I can't help but root for the bad guys. Human nature dictates that we would always want to see good prevail over bad, but for me, I like to see the bad guys get through to fight on another day.

There's no good news on the work front. My phone is very quiet, so much so that I went back down to The Midlands a few days ago and did a couple of days work with my mate down there. How desperate is that!? The Girl and I spoke about it again last night. It's all very doom and gloom. Still, it can only get better than it is right now. So, onward and upward and all that jazz.
A refreshing and much needed change to all the depressing crap came in the shape of my birthday last week. The Girl and her family treated me to some lovely presents and a really nice evening out. Although I could have really done without the "Happy Birthday To You" tune in the restaurant, along with the candlelit waffles presented by our waiter. Cue red face and desperate wish to be invisible.

I climbed the wall, the wall of news. I watched them show the tragedy.

It's weird.
I'm sat in my mum and dad's living room, my parents sat on chairs opposite, stoned (me, not them), wondering how I'm gonna explain that I think I've just wiped their hard drive.
Fuck

You change you mind like a girl changes clothes.

There are piles of letters, words and sentences
All waiting in line, taking their time
Fighting to make sense, trying to break out
Of this four walled room, laced with impending doom

Something may escape, although don't count on it
I'm just watching the clock, sadly missing its toc
Staring at the background, willing it away
Lessening the tedium, loosening the symptom

Providing the cure

Now I'm climbing carpet walls, for just another chance.

They had me from the heartbeating intro of "Starlings", to the hypnotising outro of "Scattered Black And Whites".

He's like your lover, your work colleague, your cousin and your best friend all rolled into one. With a passionate love for his hometown. The way he strolls around the stage, doing his best impression of your favourite uncle. The labour of love they all evoke.
Strange setlist. Nothing from "Cast Of Thousands", although it's been commented that they all feel the album rushed and incomplete. Shame, I love that album. If anything, I'd have loved to hear "George Lassoes The Moon", just to hear how well they can play it. Oh, and I wish they'd stop playing "The Fix". I don't know why, but I just can't get into that song.


Looking like he'd feel more comfortable in a woolly cardigan and fluffy slippers, Guy plodded about the stage, occasionally making his point with his hand gestures and making sure we were all ok. Surely he qualifies for nicest person in music, if not, then at least one of the best frontmen around.
This was the crowd 'throwing our curtains wide".

I was completely mesmerised by their performance of"The Loneliness Of A Tower Crane Driver". I was surprised they played it. A slow burning, heartfelt and melancholy song that leaves you feeling like you want to turn the pitch up. It ponders, it meanders, it slow-boats along at its own pace. An unlikely choice for a live crowd pleaser, I thought. But how wrong I was. Guy really sung his heart out on this song. And he sounded even better than on the recording. Amazing.
And they had strings. I love strings.


Judging from her pictures, girlonatrain was about 10 feet or so in front of us.
Phew, close call eh?

Not today, just suck on your plastic spoon. Chase the fucker, George lassoo the moon.

Elbow are playing tonight.
I have tickets.
It's a little touch and go if we will make it.

When I first bought the tickets, I knew in the back of my head that the date was around something I'd previously said yes to. A short while later and my initial fears were realized. The dates clashed!

The gig was off!

By this time, a second date had been announced and consequently sold out, which meant I'd lost the option of going to the second gig and selling my initial tickets on somewhere.
A few conversations followed, resulting in some re-shuffling of schedules and more importantly, everybody was happy.

The gig was back on!

A couple of weeks ago, things took a turn for the worse. Something else came up. Something else that in the scheme of things was more important than an Elbow gig. So, once again I found myself with tickets to see a band that I love, but unable to go.
A few conversations followed. It looked like it was a no-no for the gig, so I resigned myself to the fact that I'd have to do something else with the tickets.

The gig was back off!

My first thought was to list them on a ticket-swap website. After all, there may be a chance that somebody has tickets for the second night, but for one reason or another would prefer to go to the first.

The gig might be back on!

No such luck on that front. So off to the dreaded Ebay I went. My first thought was to sell mine and buy a pair for the second night. I tracked a few sales for both nights going through and saw that the second night tickets were selling for a fair amount more than the first night. So, if I went through this route, not only would I have double hassle with the whole Ebay thing, but I'd also be out of pocket. Spending more money isn't an option for me at the moment, so I once again resigned to the fact that I wouldn't be going at all and should just sell my tickets on.

The gig was back off!

I got to the point of going through endless pages of profile information, updating all my address details, but just couldn't find it in me to actually do the listing.
A couple of days ago, more accurate timings of the other commitment began to unfold. It's possible, although I should probably be careful using that word, that we can do both. Yes, if things run pretty smoothly for the earlier part of the evening, then there's a chance we can make it. We certainly wont get to see the support band and it's likely we may miss the beginning, which is shit, 'cos they're probably gonna kick off with Starlings....
If we're gonna miss too much of it though, then I'd rather not go. It may sound silly, but I've never arrived so late as to miss a full set list by anyone before. And I'm not about to start now.

For me, soaking up the atmosphere in the crowd while waiting for the main band to come on....when the background music stops, when the house lights go down....when the crowd turns from chatter to anticipation and excitement....when the silhouetted figures meander onto the stage....when those last minute tuning notes are fired....when they launch into the first song.... That's what a live experience is all about!

So, I'm back to the gig being back on.
Sort of.
Hopefully.

Fingers crossed, I might see you later, guys.

And in the dark, it comes for me. Malevolent and without thought.

Igor.
Seriously....What a pile of steaming, smelly shit.
That is all.

As a matter of fact, don't let nothin' hold you back. If the Scatman can do it brother, so can you.

First came the subject of the correct way to hang toilet roll. Then came the controversial (and widely practised, it appears) discussion about reading on the toilet. Now comes the next installment of what appears to be a growing area of disputation that's come about since I've been staying with The Girl.

A few nights ago, we both went upstairs, heading for bed. Whilst in the bathroom, brushing my teeth, in comes The Girl heading for the toilet. I turn around and see she's already in 'reverse up, ready to pull jeans down' mode. Whoah there! In fact I said that. "Whoah there!", said I. What followed was a giggly discussion about the subject of going to the toilet in front of your partner. I'm not even sure if The Girl actually intended to use the toilet or if she did it because she wanted to see what my reaction would be. Well, she's now fully informed. I was so traumatized by it all that we ended up going from a giggly discussion to a full blown argument, resulting in me staying at my parents house this weekend. Actually, one of those last parts isn't true.

It doesn't matter how long you've been with your partner. It doesn't matter that you've probably had your hands and mouth in their most intimate of places. It doesn't matter if you're über cool and relaxed with each other.
It Doesn't Matter!
You just don't go to the toilet in front of your partner!
There will undoubtedly be people who disagree with me, but just so you know, they're wrong.

It's only a partner thing for me though. Other areas are a little mixed up. For example, I'd take a piss in front of friends and family, although definitely not my mum. Or any of my aunts for that matter. And I'll include my nan in that exclusion list too. But my brother, his wife, my friends....not a problem.
I should point out that I'd draw the line with anybody when it comes to doing a *number two. Who on earth would want to be present when somebody else is taking a shit?!
And as for all that scat porn . Who the fuck finds mixing shit with sex a turn on?!!! I mean, I'm all for people having different views and opinions, but really!

I wonder if Scatman John ever lived down the day he discovered the meaning behind his name. Unless of course he knew it all along. In which case....Eeuw! The dirty fucking bastard. Oh, and it's a shit song too. Although there's a good hook in there, dammit. This would be the sort of thing I'd download when I'm stoned.




So, last night I sat in my mum and dad's dining room, with the music channels on their big tv, the sound up and smoked a phat spliff. There was a split second when I felt really guilty about it. But then I remembered they were away....somewhere abroad, sunning themselves up. I slept really well and felt really pleased with myself that I hadn't given in to the munchies episode last night. I checked their fridge and all chocolate bars were still present and correct.

*I wonder if Jacob or Max Bevis know they have been referenced on the www. Although it's not really the sort of thing you'd sing and shout about. Well done to user wangdong for letting everybody know though.

The last time I freaked out, I just kept lookin' down. I st st stuttered when you asked me what I'm thinkin' 'bout.

I've been ill.
I'm still feeling under the weather, but on a plus side, this morning I think I got 'blessed' by a Jewish guy and then later found myself having a coffee and a chat with a guy who's written scripts for Hollyoaks.
Yesterday, I was sawing a toilet cistern off a wall because some bright spark thought it would be a good idea to use 'no more nails' glue instead of the traditional (and more common sense) screws to stabilise it.
It's been a strange week.

The devil went down to Georgia, he was looking for a soul to steal. He was in a bind 'cos he was way behind; he was willin' to make a deal.

We should have been going out tonight.
Seeing a movie and having something to eat was mentioned....
But no.
We've had the very lives sucked out of us, courtesy of a four hour visit to Ikea.
Four . Fucking . Hours .
If I were ever offered the choice of either facing Diablo Himself, or taking a trip to Ikea....I'd be willing to take my chances.

Thank fuck I've got something to smoke tonight.

Again, I'm the one they all run from. Diatribes of clouded sun. Someone help me find the pause button.

It's not like it's new territory, living with somebody else. I've done it once before. But it's certainly unfamiliar.
Talking about it on countless occasions led my mind to being some-what brainwashed into thinking I was prepared for how I would feel. And thinking I'd covered all bases, played through visioned scenery in my head, imagined all that I could, I was still way off the reality.

Work has been extremely slow, and coupled with repeated brushes with impending financial doom, completely changing my day to day living habits and a general feeling of being 'surplus to requirements' in my new environment has been taking it's toll.
A few days last week were the worst. Previous to that, my moods had been up and down more frequently than a prostitutes' knickers. But when I came crashing down last week, well, I really felt the bump at the bottom. And worst of all, I did my best impression of a hedgehog, rolling up into a ball, folding inside myself, trying to hide away. I know it's the worst thing I could have done. On reflection, that is. At the time it felt like the safest place I could have been. A place that had the smallest effect on those around me.
"Those around me"....
That's what's been the biggest change. Previously, I'd been in the safety of my own house. Just me, the music and Marley - my houseplant. The down times there were easier to handle. I didn't have to play the hedgehog. I didn't have to wrap up and roll inside myself, hiding way. Nobody else was affected by my mood and at the time I don't think I realised just how much easier that can be.

Changing from living on my own, to living in a house with four other people has been the biggest change that I've had to deal with, certainly in the last 10 years. Changing jobs, moving house; it's all child's play compared to this. There's very little one can do to prepare. It's all fine and dandy thinking things through, playing out scenarios in one's mind, but the reality can deliver a blow to the stomach, enough to takes one's wind away.

It's very scary. Even though they aren't strangers, it's still very scary.
There's the whole 'being accepted' thing. Then there's the 'not wanting to be seen as a kind of replacement' thing. Not wanting to upset the balance of their routine, feeling like you want to be included, but that repetitive internal voice saying, "You're getting in the way. You're just in the way". It's very difficult to find a gentle balance between involvement and intrusion.

But stop. This isn't a 'shit stinks' post.
It's terribly easy to think that the only person having these confusing and frustrating feelings is me. There's four other people to consider now. And remembering just that is what pulled me out of the depths. Everything must be strange and odd and weird and different for each one of them too.
I don't want to be moping around, worrying about a lack of work. I don't want things like that bringing me down, consequently bringing the mood of the house down. It's embarrassing being seen by people when I'm feeling like that. So, my focus has shifted. I've seen where the true priorities lie and it's nothing to do with having no work, or moving to an area where I have no friends, or finding myself scraping the very bottom of my financial barrel. It's being with the people that I love. And growing our relationships together.

There's a feeling that I'm learning things all over again.
And it's a nice feeling.
A welcome feeling.

Go to bed, everything's alright. Don't you know the whole world's changing as you sleep at night.

The Girl has just stated that she can tell the difference in taste between cake mixes that are made with plain flour or self-raising flour.
Now that's surely a talent!

You got me racin'. Anticipatin'. And I don't think I can handle this.

Further evidence of the very strange phenomenon of reading whilst on the toilet:

I took this picture on my camera phone on Saturday night. This quite clearly shows evidence of a 'toilet-reader' in my brother's house.
What the hell is going on?!?!
It's all very, very wrong if you ask me. When you need to go to the toilet (obviously talking solids here), you should simply sit down, do your business, wipe up, flush, wash your hands and leave. The whole process should be a matter of minutes and there should be no, repeat no time to read anything!

Crosswords through the bathroom door, while someone sings the theme-tune to the news.

Slightly concerning moments in our relationship; Part Three.

She rambled on; something about the mirror and possibly being there for a while. Mid-way through her nervously delivered explanation, I was already shaking my head in disbelief. Disbelief and quite frankly shock at the sight of The Girl taking her Steven King book with her, to read on the toilet!

Oh well, in five years time we could be walking round a zoo. With the sun shining down over me and you.

Another slightly concerning moment in our relationship becomes apparent:

"You prefer Ben & Jerry's over Häagen-Dazs?!"