Give me envy, give me malice, give me your attention. Give me envy, give me malice, baby, give me a break!

I have taken The Girls virginity.
Well, in 'going to gigs' terms anyway.

On Thursday evening we went to see Sandi Thom play live. Ok, so were running a little late. Thanks M6 traffic jams!!! I wasn't worried, being a bit of a gig veteran.
The Girl, "What time does it say again? I'm sure it's 7. Why am I thinking 7?"
bedshaped, "Doors open at 7. nothing will happen until about 9, I'm sure."
There was me thinking....hmmmmm, only one album out, she'll probably do a couple of new songs and maybe a cover version....she'll wanna finish about half 10....so I think we're well safe with 9.

So we exit the tram about half eight, ish. Off we walk, down the busy road towards what we think is the venue. The clue is right there in that sentence....got it?
We walk around....we walk some more....we think we've found it.....we ask someone.....they point us in a certain direction.....the doorman chuckles, tells us to go upstairs into the bar and ask somebody up there....nice huh....retracing our steps, we end up back at 'the posh entrance'....the guy in the kiosk already knows what we're gonna ask....he jokes about how far it is, gives us directions and off we go....again....some 20 minutes later, we arrive.
Small place. Nice and intimate. Although it's a bitch trying to get served at the bar, our saving grace being The Girls idea to spread her coat out on the bar to attract their attention. It worked!
She sounded great. She played guitar with passion. I like to see passion. She honked on the old harmonica and she played some keyboards. Her band looked like a bunch of 'wasters' who she'd found squatting in her flat, but they were tight. The drummer/percussionist was particularly good. From lack of material, we were indeed treated to every track off her album, a couple of new songs and blazing cover of Gnarls Barkley's "Crazy". Oh yes!
Intimate....Good sound....great voice and some fantastic vibes in the whole place.

On the bedshaped rating scale, I'd give the gig a Triceratops.
And deservedly so.

This weekend, I witnessed something amazing. I witnessed a fast food outlet, quite simply living up to....nay! Surpassing the words....Fast and Food.
Subway in The Trafford Centre was something to be in awe about. And I was. In fact, it was almost a scary experience.
A human conveyor-belt of order taking, prep, extras, payment and completion in unbelievable motion. It was almost a blur how quickly they 'processed' our order.

In other news, I won a teddy, I've spent far too much money this week, I've eaten loads of crap, spent 6 hours in a car, my house is a mess, my fridge is empty, I'm going to see Pink next weekend and The Girl loves me.

Threw your Lego in the lake, why'd you wanna go do that for.

Where do birds go when they die?

Well, apparently....my back garden.
This morning whilst waiting for the familiar confirmation 'click' from my kettle, signalling the first coffee of the day, I glanced outside and noticed a dead bird on the path outside.
Not being a budding Bill Oddie, the only conclusion I could draw from the dead bird was that it was indeed dead. And large.
Stood in the kitchen, coffee and cigarette in hand, I paused at this new dilemma facing me. What am I going to do with it? The way I see it, I had three choices. I could wrap it up in a bag and dispose of it in my bin. I could throw it over the fence at the end of my garden and let nature take it's cause. I could bury it.
The bin option is too heartless for me to undertake, so that one's out. Letting nature take it's cause is probably the 'nicest' option but I didn't feel comfortable shuffling the lifeless thing on my shovel and then launching it over the fence. Besides, I was a little worried what the neighbours might say if they say me doing such a thing. I settled on the last option....burial. It felt like the right thing to do.
It's pissing down with rain, so the last thing you expect to see is somebody in their back garden digging a hole. The wind was howling, the rain falling down in sheets and that almost sinister sound of a shovel digging into the earth, ringing in the air. I felt bad....naughty....almost sinister. If either of the neighbours saw me, I wonder what they thought.
I'm almost half expecting a knock on the door, being greeted by police who want to excavate my garden, looking for 'remains'.
I really do read too much true crime stuff.

And if a double-decker bus crashes into us. To die by your side is such a heavenly way to die.

I may be allergic.

She sat next to me, so I stroked her. I mean....who wouldn't.
She made yummy noises, shuffling and swaying her body in line with my strokes.
I definitely heard purring!

Not long after, my eye was really sore. I must have rubbed it sometime and it felt like somebody had been beating my eye with stinging nettles. I could feel swelling, I could feel redness, I could feel a sharp pain when I blinked, which I couldn't help doing. A pain like razor blades sewn into my eye-lids.
Not nice.


Note to self:
Maybe stroking The Girl's pussy isn't such a good idea in future.

I love rock and roll, so put another dime in the jukebox, baby.

Work has been uber shit today.
*Sigh*

Does it matter?
Does it fuck!

Checklist:

Shower - check
Careful selection of clothes - check
Going commando - check
Tickets - check
Money - Get on the way
Change of t-shirt and deodorant for after the gig - check
Confirmation that the gig isn't cancelled - check
Something to eat - check
Meeting point with Pandy and Blue - check
One small spliff before I leave - check
Good tunes ready for the journey - check

Fuck it, let's go.

More later....

....

Ok, so not long back.
I have that familiar 'duff' sound in my ears, accompanied by the ringing.

The Delays were good. I half expected them to be really brilliant, but they were just....good.
We missed the first support band. Well, just after entering the building, we heard the end of their last song.
Oh well.

I think I may have seen Embrace live too many times now. They were great, but I just didn't get that familiar excitement when I saw them on stage. Even though we were so close.

The sound guy needs shooting for the crap balances he had through the first four songs. Danny could hardly be heard, Richie's guitar was way too loud and everything got drowned out by the drums. Shame too, 'cos their first few songs were great choices.
Choice for the rest of the set list failed to ignite me to be honest. Some of the older favourites were there, but really....did we need 5 tracks off the latest album and 2 brand new songs! I'm all for plugging their latest releases (hell, that's their job) and throwing in the occasional new song, but the uneven setlist made for a lack of 'flow' to the whole gig.
They didn't play my favourite song, they never do. But they did do some blinding versions of some stuff I've not heard them play before.
Danny was doing lots of interaction with the audience, as he normally does. Cracking unfunny jokes, as he normally does. But he sang really well, when we could eventually hear him. Ok, so not the strongest male vocals in the world, but singing live, he really does come out better.

All in all, I really enjoyed tonight. The bands were good, the music was there and I felt good.
It's just what the doctor ordered.
Or indeed, the nurse.


And if I had to rate it, I'd give it a fish.

And if at first you find you can't imagine, how good can heal when you've got nothing worth healing.

Embrace and I have a strange relationship.

I've followed them since their first album. Back in the day when Danny, the lead singer, could be heard in the media saying they were gonna be bigger than Oasis. Of course, the Gallagher brothers just laughed it off.
I thought their first album "The Good Will Out" was great. A few months after the release and most guys could be heard humming one of their anthemic tunes. Things were looking good.
So what happened....?
Well, Embrace for me, never got anywhere past the 'consistently average' status. There was nothing amazing about them, but then again, they were better than 'mediocre'. It's difficult for me to put my finger on it.
The good thing about it is, they seem fine being at their status quo. They don't hog the media limelight and don't seem to want to be one of the biggest British bands around at the moment, a la Razorlight, Kasabian et al.

So, by being constantly average has held them in good stead, for me anyway. Whilst not delivering albums of pure quality and genius, they have provided very listenable 45 minute collections.
There is one thing though. Live, they are in their element. I can't think of many bands that I've seen who have been such a huge improvement, when I've seen them live. Danny's voice (weak as it is on their recorded stuff) is 10 times better when they play live. He always wears a smile when he's up there on stage too. I like that. It's watching people who love music....play music. And play it well.

Wednesday night, I will be there in the depths of the crowd, no doubt singing my head off, waving my arms in the air and quite possibly jumping around for the up tempo songs. Apparently there are two support bands. I'm sure The Delays are one of them, but I haven't seen anything about who the second support is, unless there isn't one.

Cramped spaces,
fighting for air.
Elbows in my back,
little space to share.

That sweaty body smell,
creeping up my nose.
Stand on my toes,
get off my toes!

Pushing and shoving,
fight for the views.
Pre tension warm up,
might blow a fuse.

Lights fall to darkness
no one in sight.
Then the silhouettes, the intro,
and everything's right.


The car park is expensive, the beer is over priced, but the music will soar.
And that's what makes it all worthwhile.

In the interests of keeping things topical, I've updated my MP3's on the right hand sidebar thingy.

All you good, good people listen to me. You`re just about done with the way that you feel .

I've been in such a good mood today.

Surprising, considering work has been a bucket of shit.

But I can't stop smiling.

I'm going to see Embrace play on Wednesday night. Apparently they are supported by The Delays, which is good news because I really like them.

That's not the reason why I've been smiling.
She knows.

There's more, but I've had a smoke....

I heard the news today, all about your new disease.

In the news recently:

Some mega rich guy is reportedly going to 'lose' half of his £11 billion empire in his divorce.
Prince Harry disappears with his girlfriend for 8 minutes.
Paris Hilton, once again flashes her knickers in public.
Lottery jackpot winner goes back to work.
New Borat movie set to outrage even more countries.
Bridget Jones's big knickers fail to sell on Ebay.

And I wonder, if the news reported starvation, death, hunger, homelessness and poverty on a daily basis, with such prominence....I wonder if the world might just be a better place because more people would actually want to do something about it.

Will he offer his me his jaws. Will he offer me his hunger....?

Things are strange at work.

Currently we have two people off on holiday.
There's a big sale weekend coming up.
I'm told we are advertising for a new salesperson.
The rumours are, either we will move one guy (Sniffer) into dedicated used cars, or we will keep things as they are and sack somebody.
Oh the joys of working for my Company!

The problem of no sound on the movie downloads appears to have been solved (thanks to The Girls' brother), so tonight, I've watched the movie Karla.
I'm not sure how I feel, to be honest.
I know quite a lot about the case, this knowledge has gone against me.
Maybe too much.
Anyway....it was ok.
As a stand alone movie, it was ok. As a movie that depicts the story as the truth....well, I just don't buy it. Of course it's my own opinion, but the movie shows the whole story very one sided.

No updates until after the weekend now, 'cos I'm gonna be spending time with The Girl over the next few days.
This just in though....I've had an idea....

Touch me in the morning and last thing at night.

I won a prize!

Over at swisstoni's, I won a prize for spotting him in a crowd of people.
Go me!
I may have cheated a little.
A little jiggery pokery aside, when I arrived back from work, via a D.I.Y shop, a package was waiting for me. Upon opening, I was greeted with this:


I've never won anything before, so a mug is as good as anything. Although I missed out on the t-shirt. Pah!
Practical- yes. Useful - yes. Attractive - I'll get back to you!
But the best thing about the prize was this:


And just how much fun do you think I can have with this stuff!!!

When I used to go out I would know everyone that I saw. Now I go out alone, if I go out at all.

Today I read about a guy who 'posted' himself out of jail.
His job inside, was repairing mail bags and one day he decided to sew himself into one. He mixed himself (somehow) within the other mail bags on a pallet, which was dutifully shrink wrapped, loaded onto a truck and driven out of the prison.
You have to applaud the guy for ingenuity. Although he is now a fugitive on the run and was inside for double murder, so his only redemption would be to turn himself in and explain it was just all just a joke. Along with their security system, apparently.

I'm a virgin when it comes to downloading movies. It appears I can get the film ok (three times now), but there's no sound. I've discovered I am missing a codec and even though I've searched the net and found the one it tells me I need, it makes no difference. I even downloaded some 'tools' which are supposed to help me around this problem, but even they are saying I'm missing things. So I've now downloaded this movie three times, all without being able to hear any sound. And to add insult to injury, I have acquired a program called 'G Spot' which seems to be playing arseholes when I try to uninstall it.
I'll probably try again a couple of times before I end up asking a guy at work to obtain me a copy *cough*. It's a last resort though because I know this will be a movie I only want to watch once. I wouldn't want to own a copy, even if it is only £3.

I've just received an email from "Hartley". I can get the idea of the contents from the title alone, which begins "You cumm very quickly and without any control". So, somebody is spreading rumours about me or Hartley can see through the gap in the curtains.
My inbox gets a little cluttered with spam nowadays. Telling me I've won the South African Lottery, offering me a job working from home, earning in excess of 50k a year, telling me my bank is updating its computer system and I should follow the link and submit my bank account details to them. And of course all the ones telling me I'm a failure at being a guy and my sex life is crap, or my wife has been caught cheating, or my penis is too small.
I wonder how many people actually fall for crap like this. Would these companies still bother to spam people if their scams weren't paying off? But surely there can't be anybody falling for the old "submit your bank details here" scam?
Can people really be that naive and gullible?

Last night, I dreamt that I was old. I couldn't even wipe my own arse, I had to ask somebody else to do it.
Not so much a dream then, more a nightmare.
I never want to end up like that. I can only hope that life treats me well and departs from me when I'm still able to fend for myself.

I'm coming down, coming down like a monkey, but it's alright. Like a load on your back that you can't see, but it's alright .

Events from the weekend.

I think I'm quite easy going.
That said, when it's time to meet 'family' of the person you're dating, isn't everybody a little....erm....shitting themselves?
I'm still coming to terms with the fact the F word is used in everyday vocabulary in front of her. If I let slip with that little gem in front of my mother, she'd probably grab the nearest book and swipe me over the head with it, followed by a "go and wash your mouth out" kinda thing.

A few things I didn't expect:

Here's the scene....The Girl, her mum and myself are chatting in the living room. Enter the dog who wanders over and then proceeds to lick the cats arsehole. Not done with causing such a scene, the cat decides to take the embarrassing factor to def con 1 one by gently rolling onto her back with legs akimbo. My attempts to avert my eyes and laugh it off were startled by comments about how that pussy enjoys a good licking (pun not intended).

Here's the scene:
The Girl and I are cuddling up on her bed (which happens to be in her living room at the moment), when her cat strolls by. Headed for the other room for one of two reasons. Food or to use the litter tray. No amount of praying appears to sway that cat from doing a dump to rival a 'delivery' from King Kong. Ok, so the cat needed to 'use the toilet', so to speak. No problem. I'm sure however, that the time and effort she spent covering the 'present' up wasn't required. To lighten the mood, as by this time we were both wearing that "oh that bloody cat" look on our faces, I (vocally) imagined the cat was building the mountain in Close encounters of the third kind.
Close encounters appears to be a passion killer.

I've met her brother a few times now. As much as I like the guy, I'm not sure I was ready to see his penis. Yes, some old photos came out and as usual, if there's a guy in the family, there always seems to be old pictures of him wandering around in the nude. I'm sure it's some kind of law or something. It's a conspiracy move by the parents, so they ultimate hold over their sibling, the fact that some time in the future, their partners will be shown 'the baby pictures'.

The Girl has expressed interest in seeing some old pictures of me, when I finally get around to introducing her to my folks. I did think about emailing my mum in advance, to threaten that if she didn't destroy all nude baby pictures of me, I would never speak to her again. However, we don't have a great relationship anyway, so no amount of threat from me would make her see pity.

For five minutes, I had a conversation with the guy on the other end of the phone about dips. To compliment our pizza and potato wedges, dips were required. I should have know better considering every type of dip I offered on the phone, his reply would be, "Yeah, yeah, it's no problem." Needless to say the pizza and wedges turned up, minus any dips. The guy who delivered is now under strict instruction that on his return to the shop, he should note my address and the fact that I am now owed some dips, not to mention the change he couldn't give me. Although I'm not holding my breath considering his reply was, "Yeah, yeah, it's no problem.".
Who sends a pizza delivery guy out on a Saturday night without any change?!?! Isn't that a basic rule for delivery guys?

I really enjoyed the weekend, even though I worked Saturday and today. I really like the fact The Girl is so close to her family. I think that's because I haven't got that closeness with my own.
I can't stop smiling.

I walk away with my dignity. You can't take that away from me.

Local news.

Here's some local news from the free newspaper I get pushed through the door every Wednesday.
Bear in mind I live in, what's probably best known as 'the middle area' of The UK. (tips hat to Ali).

Front page : Barry Killer Jailed!
The cold blooded killer of a much loved fundraiser has been sentenced to life behind bars.

3rd page : Drug Perv's Porn Stash.
A pervert who downloaded more than 2,000 pornographic pictures of children has been put behind bars for two years.

5th page : Bank Robber jailed - AGAIN.

9th page : Barber wins sexual harassment dispute.

10th page : Addict mother in knife assault.

12th page : Female 37, nearly new with no false bits, seeks male 35-45 with ever ready battery and doesn't tell lies! (Yeah, good luck with that one!)

18th page : Cliff Richard offer of tickets and travel to see him in Europe £249.95

19th page : The Leopard pub is under new management!

32nd page : VW Golf 1.4 5 door. 139,000 miles, dark blue, MOT - 05/07, tax 10/06, lovely condition throughout. £650 ono.

35th page : Pink king size bedframe including head & foot board £75 ono.



I love music.
Wanna know why?
'Cos it has this kind of effect....

I listened to the new Jamelia album tonight. All the way I was thinking "Oh dear" and then all of a sudden the album was finished. That terrible Stranglers sample....that awful Depeche Mode sample. I put it on repeat and gave it a few more listens. Now, I find every track addictive and think the album is a great result. The production is spot on, the mixes are great and her voice is as good as ever. At the moment, Jamelia is the UK equivalent of Beyonce in my opinion.
It's a great album, which I highly recommend.

I think I'm gonna get stoned.
No updates from until Saturday now 'cos I'm gonna be with The Girl. Le sigh.
Unless of course, I get a chance to post from hers without her knowing.
Muwahahahaha.

Your own....Personal ....Jesus.

I cannot believe that somebody who types in "guy taking a shit on a girls mouth" into the Yahoo Search engine, arrives here.
Not only that, but I'm the top of the list.

They must be so disappointed.

A long time ago, I found myself in the strange situation, stooping over a girl, while....

When I say shotgun, you say wedding. Shotgun....Wedding.

So, he got fired today.

Just after 1pm, our current Business Manager was called into JB's office with Third Time Lucky. Not 20 minutes later, he was off out the door, never to return. Except maybe to clear his desk. Already Third Time Lucky has been told he's seeking legal advice. I don't think it's gonna get him anywhere, he's been a very naughty boy.

What is about guys who can any kind of D.I.Y.? How come most of them can pick up a hammer, a screw driver, a drill, nails, screws, chisels, whatever and 'make good' whatever is wrong. Not only that, but they seem to have a cunning knack to be able to improve things. I just don't get it. I can barely botch my way through even the simplest of tasks.
Yep, when God (or whoever it was) made guys and injected them with D.I.Y. competency skills, he kinda missed me out. I think I must have got a double dose of 'being in touch with your feminine side' instead.
Thus, tonight I am faced with a skirting board half hanging off, the wrong size nails and several useless pieces that looked perfect when I was cutting them to size. And I've broken a fucking nail!

Loving, loving, loving the Panic At The Disco album. How the hell did I let this one slip through for so long. It's an absolute gem.

Most recent 'Anonymous' phone call to my mobile was this morning, just after 4 am. Who the hell is awake at 4am, never mind awake enough to make an anonymous call!

The track listing for The Killers new album is still baffling me. It even feels like it's in the wrong order.
My next gig is Embrace in just over 2 weeks time. I can't wait, although I need to give their latest album another few listens as no doubt they will be plugging that to death. The last time I saw them play, Danny, the lead singer jumped down from the stage, climbed up the crush barriers right in front of me and held onto my hand to keep his balance. How amazing is that! I can remember the moment well, but do you think I can remember which song he sung? Can I fuck!

It's way past my bedtime and I have long hours tomorrow. Oh joy. We also get to meet the new Business Manager. How convenient!

In other news, I've started to eat breakfast.
Little steps, huh.

What a drag it is, the state I'm in....

The Killers - Sams Town.

The album has an intro in the form of "Enterlude" and an outro in the form of "Exitlude", which is fine, but then they throw a spanner in the works by having the intro "Enterlude" as the second track. The title track opens the album, then we get the 'intro'. What's that all about?

I'm still giving it 'the listen' but on the 3rd or 4th spin, it sounds pretty good. Not as 'instant' as Hot Fuss, but it's certainly growing on me. This is a good sign.

Tomorrow, our Business manager gets fired.
I've known about this since the beginning of last month. Tomorrow, he gets fired. The next day, we have a new Business manager starting.
Somehow, that all seems wrong to me.

A bird shit on my head today. Who on earth ever said that was good luck?!

I was party to a conversation earlier at work. The guy was telling how, on their friends last night before his wedding, they all put together and took him to a seedy brothel. He went red faced as he chuckled through the story of how ugly all the girls were, but his friend was so drunk, he wasn't fussy. I didn't get to hear the punchline, even if there was one because I went out the back for a cigarette. Stories like that get me wound up for too many reasons.
Breathe.
Breathe.

There's lots of things goin on in my life right now. Some good, some indifferent, some great and some shit. The important thing for me is that the one great thing is something that can overpower all the others.
It will all come together, one day.

Like the late, great Bill Hicks said, "Life is just a ride."

New songs available for free download, yes free, on the right hand side.