All along, not so strong without these open arms. Hold on tight. All along, not that strong without these open arms. Lie beside.

I had a mental breakdown. A nervous breakdown. A mental fuck up. A meltdown. Whatever you wanna call it.

For people who've never been through one, and I would never wish one on anybody, it's very difficult to explain. Very, very difficult for other people to understand.
Everything that's affecting your life (even some normal day to day stuff) builds up. Into something black, bleak, blurred, out of control, the absolute biggest mountain to climb, the deepest pit you've ever been in, the most impossible force, an unimaginable force, an unbeatable thing, throws everything off course.... Things that shouldn't even affect you, do. It's the worst case of a 'snowball' effect that you could ever imagine. And you change. You turn into something....somebody that's far removed from your normal self. You become....out of character. It's more about anxiety and internal panic than feeling low and depressed. Yes, depression is a different feeling.
And the worst thing about it, is that you have no idea that you're suffering with the breakdown. Imagine going through deep depression, but on a much larger and wider scale. A very different scale.
You hold on to 'other things'. Things in your life that you can deal with, that you enjoy. Routine things, sometimes monotonous things. These other things help see you through. They become something you can focus on, being able to temporarily put all the bleakness, pressures and anxiety aside. While you're focused on these other things, your mood becomes a little more lifted. Your internal chatterbox changes from it usual angsty formula and instead of constantly repeating all your issues and problems and telling you that you're pathetic and can't deal with any of them, it begins telling you that life ain't so bad and that maybe you can deal. But of course these 'other things' don't last long enough and the temporary uplift ultimately gets completely drowned out. And more often than not the negativity comes back and hits you ten fold.
It's awful. It's just a terrible thing.
The smallest thing, which in other people's eyes may be something insignificant, becomes an absolutely impossible wall to climb. The panic attacks. The lack of control. The feeling of helplessness. The feeling of isolation. The feelings of intense pain and loneliness, even though you might be with a partner.
I can't speak for anybody else who's been through a breakdown. All I can do is see things from my own eyes....my own perspective.
I knew I was having down days. And I was all too aware how it would affect others around me. So I withdrew into myself. On my down times, I would want to deal with all my problems myself and not show others that I was suffering. I absolutely hated other people seeing me so low. I went quiet, I curled up, I hid my tears, I become robotic, I tried to be as 'normal' as I could under the circumstances. I tried so hard to 'protect' the others around me. But I failed, miserably. Instead of showing the others around me that I could deal with things, that my withdrawal and quietness was my way of not hurting them or adding to their own problems and issues....instead of that, I was seen as an unhappy, unloving, uncaring, unsociable person. A person who didn't want to be there. A person who had given up on the relationship. I had absolutely no idea that that is how I was being seen. No idea at all.
I've said time and time again that suffering a breakdown changes a person. Of course it's still them....the physical person. But the mental person, no. Their personality goes through such an intense change and no matter how hard you try to fight it, there's just no strength left anymore. And perhaps most importantly, at the time of the breakdown, they have no idea that they've changed so much because all they're doing is trying to survive.
I guess a good example would be Britney's breakdown. It was still her....still Britney, but her meltdown caused such changes in her mental state. She partied all the time, she shaved her head in the public eye, she lashed out at people, got into fights, checked in and out of rehabs frequently, flashed her pussy on numerous occasions, finally got committed to a mental/health institution and did countless other things that she's since said she's ashamed of, because she wasn't 'herself'. It cost her the custody of her children.
Another example would be Vanessa Feltz when she had a meltdown in the Celebrity Big Brother House. Again, she lost control of her normal mental state, acted and did things against her normal character. It cost her countless work contracts and her marriage.
And of course the list goes on; Anne Heche, Whitney Houston, Micha Barton, Lindsay Lohan, Martin Lawrence, Hugh Laurie, Owen Wilson, Winona Ryder, George Michael....I could go on. And of course how many other countless thousands who aren't celebrities suffer through this too. The numbers are probably horrific.
I feel for them all.

The first step to recovery is to seek help. With depression it's the same. That first step is without doubt the hardest to take. No matter how much other people around you try and want to help, the person who's suffering simply has to reach that certain point of their illness where only they can make that first step. And then there's the acceptance, which is very difficult. Having to accept that something like this....a 'mental breakdown', something that happens to 'other' people has happened to you. But once you accept it, you're already well on the way to recovering.

Nothing....absolutely nothing can change the past. And no matter how much you want to change what you became when you went through your breakdown, the fact of the matter is it was you. A mentally ill you, a different and affected you, a warped personality of you, but you all the same. A breakdown should never be used as an excuse. It's something that can affect anybody, that's a fact of life. All you can hope for is that people can try to understand, even though it's very, very difficult for them seeing these things as an outsider.

Me - I'm a very genuine person. I'm honest, open and like to talk about things. That's always how I've been. I'm loving, touchy-feely, sensitive, warm, caring, protective, emotional, sensual, delicate, kind, devoted, generous, considerate, passionate, friendly, tender, loyal, huggy, warmhearted. When I was suffering my breakdown, my illness took a lot of those personality traits away from me. Not all of them, but a lot of them. Changed me into somebody who was far removed from my normal self and the saddest part is that at the time I was ill, I had absolutely no idea that I'd changed, and more importantly how much it was affecting others.

It cost me my relationship with The Girl.
Her feelings for me changed over time. I had no idea how much of a c**t I became, but her feelings for me changed. The love she felt for me melted away. She tried so hard to help me, but I couldn't accept it. My mental illness wasn't allowing me any strength to accept any help.
I became distant, wrapped up in myself, curled up in a ball, trying to deal with things myself, trying to protect her and her family, pushing her away, seeing things that weren't there, things blurring out of proportion, saying things that just weren't true, feeling rejected, alone, lost, isolating myself without proper reason, removing myself....when all along I was still thinking that our love for each other would carry us through. I was wrong.

She asked me to leave, and I can't blame her. Had the situation been reversed, I would have been the same. Something had to give. I don't blame her or hold any bad feelings for her about how she reacted at all. I would have been the same, had the situation have been reversed and I know how difficult a decision it must have been for her. After all, you have to protect not only yourself, but your kids too. So yes, I completely understand that. I've done the right (and I think, honourable) thing for me and for The Girl, and that was to send her a sincere apology to her and her family for my behaviour during my illness. She deserved an apology from me. It completely broke me, but it's the least I could do. And I've told her time and time again that I understand why she did what she did, asking me to leave, and that in no way should she feel any kind of guilt over that. She did what she thought was right at the time, and as we all do that, who could possibly think she did the wrong thing. I certainly don't.

The past is exactly that, the past. No matter what you do, nothing can change it. But we can learn from it. Some people don't learn from their mistakes or experiences, they somehow think they can just carry on, plod on with life. That's the biggest mistake of all.
I've learnt a great deal from my breakdown. I've learnt so much about me, other people, mental illness, the effects and aftermath, relationships....Just so much. And I'm still learning to a certain extent. Everything about the future can be changed and that's the way we all live our lives.

I'm rebuilding my life now. Have been for many weeks. I've got myself regular work, albeit temporary which allows me to pay my bills and pay debts back. I've closed down my Business. Changed the van for a car. Sorted out all the grief I had with my house that was being rented out. Spoken to Companies that I owe money to so they can be more understanding, which they have been. Sorted out my taxes. Stopped smoking weed. Changed my eating habits. Been exercising to stimulate my heart and brain cells. Reading self help books. Meditating. Cut out negativity in my day to day life. Gone onto medication. Been referred to a councillor. Made some new friends. Started to go out and mix with new people. Made plans for my future involving where I want to live. Researching and making headway for different types of work. Resolved problems I had with my own family. Been waking up with an attitude of 'this is a new day, I wonder what it will bring'. Started writing again. Rediscovered the important things in life. Become much, much more happier with myself. Got my sense of humour back. Been able to deal with any negativity in my life with a positive approach. Since being well on the road to recovery, I've been able to tackle all of the issues that caused me so much stress, anxiety, panic and frustration. Put in simple terms....I've become me again. But me in a much better state of mind.
My life now....my personality, my outlook, my love of life, my future, my own state of mind....all a million miles away from where I was when I hit rock bottom. I feel empowered, positive, happy. The personality traits that made me me are back ten fold and I know that I'm such a better person for it. It's absolutely awful that I went through a mental breakdown to get where I am today, but I can't change that. And all the awful hurt I caused, I can't change that either, no matter how hard I try. So I've accepted me, what happened and moved on.
In a way, I guess it's similar to going through, or knowing somebody who is/has gone through bad depression. You can look back at yourself or at that person, remember their sadness, their bleakness, their change in personality, their odd behaviour, whatever, but you can understand and accept that it was the illness that affected them. And more importantly, see them as the good person that not only they were before, but also who they have become.

I was a weak person. I lost my way.
No longer!

I'm genuinely excited about the future.
I feel like an amazing person.

"Breathe" - Bliss featuring Sophie Barker.

This melody will fade away and die. Just for today, breathe me and say goodbye.

Yesterday, I swapped this (my old shitty van; that was my only vehicle and used for my Business):




For this (An Alfa Romeo 156 T-Spark):





I realize that it can be seen as one of those types of cars that is a 'penis extension' for guys (and boy do I need it), but seriously....it's not the case. It was simply a case of the guy who wanted to buy my van off me also had a car he wanted to get rid of. Problem solved for both of us it seems.

And oh boy, did I wake up with a fucking terrible head this morning! Last night got a little....crazy.

I'll see only what I wanna see. I'll be only who I wanna be.

I'm off out Saturday night with some of the guys who I work with. We're meeting up in town, having a few drinks, then they plan to go onto somewhere else. I just hope it's a club or late bar instead of some seedy joint or lap dancing club, which they've spoken about. It's not like I want to be a party pooper or anything, but I've never been to a place like that before. Getting out and about, socializing, meeting new people....it's all good. Something I've been lacking. Something I need to do.

And if I'm gonna talk. I just wanna talk. Please don't interrupt. Just sit back and listen.

I don't think I'm finished here just yet....

You in the sea. On a decline. Breaking the waves.

More often than not, although not exclusively, I'm watching myself in third person. Sat in my van, waiting at some road junction or other, when a heavy vehicle ploughs into the side of me with such huge force and speed and destruction.
It's a wreck. A carnage. A black and white mess.
Sometimes I linger, but usually that's more than enough to wake me. Either way I never get to discover how badly injured I am. Or if I survived at all.

If I'm not having shitty dreams, I'm tossing and turning....unable to remember how to feel comfortable in bed. My arms become extra limbs that are in the way no matter how I position myself.

I am so tired.
So very tired of everything.

Use to laugh 'bout nothing, now you're plain boring. I should know that you're not gonna change.

At 3mins 40sec, the little girl on the left with the hula-hoop....she scares me.
But it's forgivable 'cos the best bits at 3mins 52sec and 3mins 54sec are still amusing after many viewings.



Blink and you miss 'em.

They've just played Gwen Stefani's latest song on MTV. I'm watching it at my parent's house on their lovely HD TV, on lovely SKY HD and in lovely surround sound.
*Le Sigh*
Yeah, it sounded like a really good song.

I miss you MTV. I miss you like a fat kids misses cake.

I'm going in for the kill. I'm doing it for a thrill.

Absolutely loving this tune by La Roux.

La Roux - In For The Kill.

And an interesting remix doing the rounds too.

La Roux - In For The Kill (Skream remix).

The other night, I noted to The Girl that the dog eats standing up and the cat eats sitting down. And then we wondered if that was true with other cats and dogs.

I'm sat here in the kitchen wondering whether I should put a pizza in the oven, or mix up some stuff to make cakes. Or neither. The Girl is out tonight. It's very weird sitting here in her empty house. Hmmm, or maybe a bacon sandwich.

We watched Benjamin Button earlier. Blimey that's a long movie. I enjoyed it though. Although I just couldn't like Daisy's character, so the crux of the plotline was miffed for me. I liked the moral of the story though. And they did an outstanding job making Brad Pitt younger throughout the movie. Shame they did such a shit job of making the other characters age, especially Daisy. Oh well.

I need to get back into The Wire. I think I'm up to the last season now, but I got side-tracked by Weeds. And Battlestar Galactica of all things. And Dollhouse. And I really miss Firefly.

You've been hit by, you've been struck by a smooth criminal.

So, all 750,000 tickets for Jacko's upcoming gigs at the O2 Arena all sold out in record time. Wow, that's a shit load a totally dedicated fans right there.
Oh no, hang on.
As of just twelve hours later, Ebay has over 6,500 people listing tickets for sale. And most of them are more than doubling their money. I saw a few pairs, granted they were excellent seats; front row etc, but still....£3,500 for a pair is taking the piss!
It's a fucking travesty that these people can get away with it.

It's ok though. 'Cos he loves us all.
Bless.

Never seem to get in the place that I belong. Don't wanna lose the time, lose the time to come.

Another visit to the Doctor, my own Doctor this time, has resulted in me being diagnosed with Asthma. It's not 100%, but he's pretty sure and there are further tests which I have to attend in a couple of weeks. Lung Function Tests they are. All sounds very ominous, huh?

So where do I stand now?
Well, I'm not sure. But with conversations with the Doc about my current co-habiting with pets and various aspects of the job I do, neither bode too well with me feeling any better anytime soon. If this is Karma biting me on the arse then I'd really like to know what I did that was so wrong....

I knew it was gonna be a tough year, but please.

Sometimes you feel so....so useless. Sometimes I feel so useless. It's a difficult thing to shake. I'm not giving up without a fight though. I know something good is gonna come out of this year, even thought getting there is gonna be so utterly unforgiving.

And I don't want no substitute. Baby, I swear it's Deja Vu.

With each new video it becomes more apparent....
Well, to me at least.
And I find it very difficult to believe that I'm in a small minority here, but alas, I don't hear/see/read many other people mentioning it....the fact that Beyonce isn't a good dancer. I can't help but see a cross between Tina Turner and Freddie Starr. Perish the thought!

Perhaps I am on my own here. Or perhaps I simply need to get out more.

Ha. Blow that horn bitch!

Appliances have gone berserk. I can not keep up.

Even in these tough times, Sony show that they've still got it!



NSFW by the way.

I don't know much, but I know this for certain. And that is the sun poking its head round the curtain.

I seem to be feeling a little better, although I'm still far from feeling one hundred percent.
And I find it ironic that I use that a measure considering I can't even remember the last time I felt anywhere near one hundred percent.
I managed to gain some control over my breathing, assisted by an inhaler, only to find myself suffering with terrible stomach pains and a full and unhealthy relationship with the words 'shit', 'eye' and 'needle'.
Still, it could be worse.

I'm desperately scratching around for work. Have been for weeks now. In the quiet times I made the mistake of searching through websites; reading up about plumbing, construction, recession effects, training and other things that have been a large focus of my life for the past few years. A mistake because I've been left feeling like I've made a huge error. I can see it now. I can see all the info that I should have taken on board way back when I was thinking about ditching out of the rat-race. Left wondering why, why, why didn't I see this coming.
And I still feel like I'm a burden, not a boyfriend.

Of all the times a small person can come into the room, it just has to be when the song "Fuck You" comes on, huh? Nice one Lily!

So....on a scale of one to ten, how happy are you, seriously?

And I can't move my arm, for the fear that you will wake. And I'm five years ago, every thousand miles away.

Without wanting to make such a blanket statement, I think most people would agree that having access to the WWW and The Internet makes life easier.
Just the other day, I was remarking how much easier it must be for school kids nowadays. Long gone are the days when researching a subject or person meant such things as going to a Library or talking and interacting with other people. Perish the thought! The most brain-power they have to apply nowadays is just how much 'copy & paste' they can get away with. Anyway....that wasn't my point.
Since the beginning of the year I've been feeling unwell. My energy levels have been piss poor, but more importantly I've had problems breathing. The best description I can give is that I'm struggling to draw anything other than shallow, rapid breaths. The evenings are the worst, finding me waking up several times; coughing, struggling to catch a breath and feeling like I'm fighting to breathe through a straw. I don't appear to be suffering any cold or flu like symptoms; no sore throat, no headaches, no snotty nose.
I'm aware that giving up smoking can often result in chest/breathing/coughing issues and had probably convinced myself that this was as good an excuse as any. But I just can't manage anymore. I'm waking up several times every night with this breathing problem, causing me to cough and splutter, yack and make the most awful noises while I'm fighting to calm my breathing down. Having to deal with it myself would be bad enough, but I've got other people in the house trying to sleep too and I'm surprised that The Girl hasn't at least tried to muffle me out with a pillow over my face.
I have a Doctor's appointment later this afternoon.
In anticipation of this, I've been surfing around websites, looking at symptoms and possible causes. This is where I'd like to state that having access to the WWW and the Internet isn't such a good thing after all.
Enter "shallow breathing" into Google. Click one site, then another. Follow the links. Click, click, click. Read through one site where all the symptoms sound familiar. Click through to another where it sounds like I've potentially got something else. Page after page, link after link, site after site. All of a sudden it gets to the point where I have to close all the pages down because I'm now wondering which of the potentially fatal diseases I've got. Wonderful.

Safety pins holding up the things that make you mine. About your hair, you needn't care, You look beautiful all the time.

Eurgh. January has proved itself to be a big pile of smelly pants. I know there's a day in January which is known as the most depressing day of the year, but I wonder if the month as a whole is just as guilty. The entire country seems to be in a funk. Even the optimistic must be struggling with these blues.
Not surprisingly, work hasn't picked up any. It's usually quiet after the New Year, but I've found the whole month to be pretty dire. In an effort to push myself out there a little more I'm adopting the "got to speculate to accumulate" train of thought and am paying for additional local advertising. Others seem to be a lot more optimistic about the outcome than I am, and I'd love nothing more than to be proved wrong.
A car accident and cancer claimed two of my friends. 44 and 42 is way, way too early to leave this life as we know it. The universe has a strange way of behaving, sometimes.
If it wasn't for The Girl, I'd most likely be digging myself a nice hide-away right now. I'm really leaning on her at the moment and much as I love her, I'm being plagued more and more by the thought that I'm just not good enough for her. She's working so hard with her Uni work, and doing so well, and I'm often sat watching the days melt into each other. My confidence has been taking knocks on a regular basis. My resilience is dissolving.
I picked the wrong time to stop smoking. Well, so long as nobody's counting last Wednesday when the clutch in the van decided to give up the ghost. I've never had to be recovered before. It's nothing to write home about. I mean, it's not like riding in the back of an ambulance with the blue lights flashing.

And I'm bored with this place too.
And I used to be funny.

I can't believe he's so trusting, while I'm right behind you thrusting.

A little background info on The Shuffleathon 2008.
The names of those participating are put into a hat and drawn out in order to 'pair' people up. By the end of the exercise, each participant has a person to which they now choose, compile, burn and send a mix cd. Each recipient gives the cd a good listen and writes a review on their blog.

The great thing about The Shuffleathon is two-fold:
Firstly, the songs included on the disc to be sent can be anything you like. While there may be unwritten rules to follow, or more so guidelines, it's entirely in the hands of you the sender whether you want to make a compilation of songs that sums up your character and personality, whether you want to be as diverse and impressive as possible with a mix of the obscure, rare and eclectic or whether you just want to include some of your favourite songs. The possibilities are endless. And it's always great to read what your recipient thought of your choices; good, bad, impressed or indifferent.
And secondly, you also get to receive a mix cd from somebody else to listen to and review. This can often be the most rewarding part because you're playlist is entirely in the hands of somebody else. Sometimes there's songs on the disc that serve to remind you just how good a particular song is and why the hell haven't you listened to it yourself lately. Sometimes there's songs on there that you've never heard and catch your interest enough to make you want to dig further. And of course sometimes there's songs that just don't float your boat.

My shuffleathon disc went to Alan of Randomburblings this year and his review can be found here. The disc I received was from Cody Bones, coming all the way from Chicago and after many repeat listens, here's my thoughts....

One : Kanye West - All Fall Down.
I'm quite partial to a little of The Kanye. Ok, so he often gets his knickers in a twist from being in the public eye, which in turn does nothing to denounce his "I'm a bit of a twat" label, but that aside I think he can do pretty good music. This is one of his better known tracks from his first album, with a great sample that doubles as a perfect hook. The female background vocals are the balls of this song and it's a shame that his more recent songs have favoured more of a focus on his own vocals rather than laying out good samples and great hooks.

Two : Junior Walker - Shake And Finger Pop.
Yeah, some old skool soul. I don't know the song, but you gotta have time for a little soul in your life. Carefree and loose is what this song's all about. And good horns. This is the type of song I like to have playing on the cd player in the van, with the windows rolled down on a sunny day. Not that we get many of those over here. Yep, like it.

Three : Vampire Weekend - A~Punk.
Brilliant example of a damn near perfect song. Short, punchy and to the point. I was a little disappointed with their album, but this is good enough to kick start them in the right direction. That hissing hi hat is infectious. That guitar hook is genius. And those floaty keyboards.... A great, great song.

Four : The Outlaws - Green Grass And High Tides.
It starts off all ominous. Grand and epic. It's a good intro. And then, oh dear. It's turned into an upbeat MOR song that I imagine would sit very comfortably on the playlist on some American Country Music radio station. I just keep wanting to "Big wheel's gonna keep on turnin'." And it makes me feel uncomfortable. I'm afraid this does nothing for me and at a running time of almost 10 minutes, it's almost 10 minutes too long.

Five : Rise Against - Drones.
A terrific balls out rock track. The singer isn't anything special and frequently sounds like any other punk/rock outfit with a shouty/screaming singer, but the music is great. It's noisy, loud and I want to hear more. This track is a big winner for me 'cos I've been pointed in the direction of something new to me and I want to hear more.

Six : ZZ Top - Sharp Dressed Man.
Oh dear. I almost used the word hate here, but hate is such a strong word. I dislike ZZ Top. It's boogy-woogy guitar plodding pop/rock that sounds as dated as their famous beards. Next!

Seven : Elbow (No, not that Elbow) - Hog The Bed.
Say hello to AOR. It's ok with it's loose drums, strumming acoustics and nice hammond sound, but loses it with that guitar solo. The banjo in the background keeps the pace jollying along but ultimately the song never reaches anything other than just another AOR song. Unfortunately forgettable and not really anything like the sort of thing I'd been found listening to.

Eight : Grateful Dead - Playing In The Band.
More AOR which sounds very dated, but I'm not sure if it's a modern track given that nostalgic sound. I know very little about The Dead, apart from them being consistently name dropped as an influential band by others and this song is ok, but to me, nothing special. The keyboards parts are the nicest thing about it, but they are few and far between, and not up in the mix enough. Nice enough song, but....nah, I just don't feel anything from this.

Nine : Dick Holliday And The Bamboo Gang - Everybody Knows.
Funky bassline for the intro....cool....and then....oh dear....this reminds me of that horrible double time, happy horn pop stuff the likes Matt Bianco, Kid Creole et al used to produce. Out of everything on the shuffleathon cd, this track is my least favourite.

Ten : Lynyrd Skynrd - Working For The MCA.
Sounds a little like a Lenny Kravitz track to me. Even the vocals aren't that far off. I'd like to award them extra kudos for the simple fact that they named their band without any vowels. This is the sort of song that would probably be found playing in the background on an episode of Starsky And Hutch, with the strippers slithering up and down the poles and Starsky was turning on his charm while Hutch was trying to get Huggy Bear to give up some info. It's kitch 70's and it's agreeable. I'm not sure I could take a whole load of Lynrd Skynrd in one go, but as a song that comes on during random play, it's a good choice.

Eleven : Pat Benetar - Heartbreaker.
I think I might have had a crush on Pat, back in the day. Mid tempo guitar driven rock with Pat's easily recognisable vocals and already I'm cast back to any number of John Hughes movie soundtracks. Not one of her better known tracks, but easy enough on the ear to listen to. Sounding a little dated nowadays, but not enough to take away the nice nostalgic feeling it emotes.

Twelve : Lustra - Scotty Doesn't Know.
Well, I'm not sure that I care what it is that Scotty doesn't know, but from the annoyingly repetitive chorus it appears much more important that he doesn't know, rather than what it is that he doesn't know. Whatever. The song itself is ok. I'd put this in the same area as All American Rejects and the like, and as much as the music itself is cool enough, that fucking chorus drives me nuts.
"Scotty doesn't know, Scotty doesn't know, Scotty doesn't know....Don't tell Scotty"
Well, Scotty can just fuck right off. If it wasn't for the crap lyrics this would be a pretty good song. Shame.

Thirteen : The Fray - Over My Head.
I got The Fray album when it came out and thought it was ok. The stand out tracks have all been released as singles now and their popularity has quite rightly grown. Nice mellow vocals over a piano riff driven pop song. This is the sort of song I'd expect to hear on Grey's Anatomy, or one of those other American teen-type dramas that I don't even watch. Good song. I know it, I like it.

Fourteen : Neil Diamond - Kentucky Women.
Well, I recognise the voice, but I don't know the song. I like some of his stuff, but probably more so because it reminds me of when my folks used to play him. Acoustic guitar and skiffle type drums. I know he's still releasing stuff, some of it gaining critical acclaim, but I don't think I can get away with playing too much of his stuff without feeling like I'd turned into my dad. And that thought doesn't even bear thinking about!

Fifteen : The Beat - Save It For Later.
I know The Beat from their reign over the charts back in the Ska hey day. "Can't get used to losing you" and "Mirror in the bathroom" are classics and two of my favourites from those days. Known as 'English Beat' in America so there was no confusion with an established band already over there, their upbeat ska and two tone sounds formed the soundtrack for many a schoolboy's growing pains in the eighties. It might be time to dig out some old skool ska and soul tunes, thanks to this little gem.

Sixteen : R.E.M - The One I Love.
Well, I really like R.E.M so this is a good, solid choice. One from their earlier days and still sounding good, this bluesy rock number complete with Michael Stipes great vocals reminds me of why I fell in love with them all those years ago. The guitar takes turns to be jangly, then deep and blurry, while the drums pound along and Stipey howls out that chorus. Classic.

Seventeen : The Blues Brothers - Sweet Home Chicago.
See the connection there? Subtle! Ten years ago I would have appreciated this track on the shuffleathon cd a lot more. As it is....it just feels so old. So dated. So....empty. The beauty of the songs from the soundtrack is completely lost without the visual delights of Jake and Elwood, and without that what I'm left with is a song that I'm familiar with, sure, but I'm left feeling short changed. This is felt in all its glory about half way through the song where it just goes on and on and on. In the movie, this is where Jake and Elwood exit the stage and make their escape from all the fuzz. I just really wish this hadn't been the last track on the cd.

So, there you go. Some nice reminders for me to influence my listening habits and some new stuff to search out and enjoy. I'm not sure if there was any theme attached to the tracks included on the cd. Obviously I spotted the Chicago link.
Much thanks to Swiss Toni for all the effort he puts in organising this thing. It's always a fun and enjoyable experience. Thanks to Alan for giving his time to listen to and review my cd. And thanks to Cody Bones for taking the time and effort to do this one for me.

It barks at no one else but me. Like it's seen a ghost.

....
....
Le Sigh.

You can't do that. And it's such an easy way out.

My third involvement with the shuffleathon, painstakingly organised by SwissToni, proved itself to be a bit of a bugger. The main hindrance for me was that 99% of my music is boxed up and out of reach, leaving me with a rather large hole where the inspiration should have come from.
As with most things, there are certain rules....or let's say guidelines that go hand in hand with making a compilation and much as I'd like to admit that I like to bend the rules....this time I feel more like I wiped my arse on them and hung them out to dry.
I could list a baker's dozen reasons why this time it was much more difficult to put the CD together, but I won't. However, what I will say is that the sixteen tracks that made the final cut, only one of which survived the numerous culls since day one, all hold a certain something for me. This hasn't been a project of trumpet blowing proportions, not by any means. I threw out the idea of opening with a blinding track that kicks the listener in the bollocks, grabbing their attention, then continuing with an array of musical selections that were chosen to leave them with an admirable impression of wonderfully varied and eclectic musical tastes and selections.
No, this is much, much more me.

I don't know Alan of Random Burblings, the receiver of my shuffleathon disc. I purposely stayed away from his blog, so as not to find myself swayed by him in my musical choices. After all, this is my shuffleathon disc to him, not vice-versa. Now my disc is in his hands, I shall be reading back through his writings and sticking around, because from what little I've read so far I can't help but like the guy. I'm sure I've stumbled on him before, but in the completely different scenario of a Jack The Ripper message board. How very strange. And to add even more weirdness into the mix, I think he used to verbose with The Girl, back in her blogging days. Small world, huh.


For that cloud reaching guitar hook, for that wonderful mix of different instruments dipping in and out, for the simple reason that they were obviously a talented band even right back in the beginning, for the proof that they weren't always a bunch of 'up their own arses' wankers, for that ingenious angelic choir, for that brilliant banjo intro, for that bassline....that guitar hook....and that anthemic chorus that makes me wanna scream my lungs out, for his voice and those words that could surely touch anybody, for those cheekily clever lyrics, for that dreamy fairytale ending, for her screaming vocals, for that hammond sound that keeps creeping in and those wonderfully strange instruments, for that damned cow-bell, for that building and building of pace and layer, for the way it grows from a simple ditty into a screaming and crashing wall of noise, for that absolutely amazing piano ending that kicks in at 3 minutes 52 that defines the 'hair standing on the back of your neck' moment.
And for a million other reasons....

Thirteen Senses - Thru The Glass
Albert Hammond Jr - Lisa
Elbow - George Lassoes The Moon
Genesis - Duchess
Fightstar - The English Way
Gomez - How We Operate
Jet - Lazy Gun
Radiohead - Last Flowers
The Seahorses - Love Is The Law
Jem feat Vusi Mahlasela - You Will Make It
Paramore - Decode
Talk Talk - Inheritance
Portishead - Magic Door
DJ Shadow feat Christina Carter - What Have I Done
Broken Family Band - It's All Over
Leaves - Epitaph

You got us into this, so get us out of this.

I'd like to say it's been a good one.
And it has.
But, something hasn't been right.
I haven't been right.

It's been a huge year for me. Mahoosive changes.
I'm really pleased that I've survived.

For the first time in many years, I'm going out for New Years Eve. It's been quite a while. I have to admit that New Year celebrations don't do anything for me. And I hate all the crap that goes with it; the drunkenness, the pathetic behaviour, the shouting and the fighting.
Anyway, I can say that technically I'm not going out for New Year celebrations. The Girl and I are going to a night of Birthday celebrations, for one Danny McNamara. We're on the guest list too. Go figure!

There goes another 12 months....

Won't you stay and leave a light on for me?

It's difficult when you have so much to say, to know where to begin.
So maybe I won't.
Maybe I'll just take this time to chill out, get my head more together and enjoy this season for what it is.
And maybe I'll come back here a little later.
Maybe.

Lots of people are alone at Christmas, and it's always those who I think about at this time of year. It doesn't matter about the size of present. It doesn't matter the value. And it's not important that you gave or received the right present, if indeed you gave or received one at all. It's about people. At this time of year, people just like to know that they're not alone.
And they're not.

Good wishes and a peaceful New Year to anybody who stumbles by here.
x

You float like a feather, in a beautiful world. I wish I was special. You're so fucking special.

There's some musical fun going on over at theauditorium.
Swisstoni, LB and I are running down our favourite albums of the year.
What's mildly amusing is that how professional and well written their reviews are. And then there are mine.