Dressed me up in womens' clothes, messed around with gender roles. Line my eyes and call me pretty.

So, I've changed jobs. So far, I like it.
On my first day, I had to fill in the usual forms. When it came to the 'optional' equal opportunities form, I was quite happy ticking away at the boxes until I came across the section about sexual orientation. I can understand company's wanting to 'measure' their own staffing, whilst also showing they don't discriminate, but I was a little taken aback over what I felt was a very personal question. But, after thinking about it for a while, I guess some people are completely happy disclosing their sexual preferences and yet aren't as happy stating their religion, for example.
There was a box for "Prefer not to say", but I drew a new tick box and labelled it 'Metrosexual', just to see if anybody commented on it.
Nothing yet.

I know there's a million people like me. I'm sure a kick up the bum's all we need. We plan but it never comes true. All I need is somebody like you.

Some things that happened over the music festival weekend:

I got pulled to one side and searched by two coppers, in the market area. It's my own bloody fault. It was Friday night, the atmosphere was electric, and I stupidly lit up whilst strolling through the market stalls. They searched me, found another spliff, then pulled me out of ear-shot and told me enjoy myself, by all means, but not to light up and flaunt it in front of people. Point taken. My bad.

My brother passed out during Plan B's final song. I heard a thud, turned around and found him spread out on the floor. He was fine afterwards. Nothing a few bottles of water, some vomiting and an hour chilling out can't solve.

The lead guy with The Prodigy scared the shit out of me.

I put up somebody's tent. I couldn't sit there and watch them struggle any longer, it was painful.

A girl wrote her phone number on my arm because she loved my tattoo so much.

The pork and stuffing baguettes were particularly nice.

The toilets were fucking awful.

I remember seeing; Batman, Spiderman, Robin, Wolverine, Superman, Wonder Woman, nuns, bridal parties, scouts, girl guides, cavemen, aristocrats, leopards, lions, tigers, bananas, dogs, cats, bunnys, robots, star trekkers, Lord Of The Rings characters, bunny girls, bunny guys, the list goes on and on.

Flip flops were the guy's choice, denim shorts were the girl's.

I made a mahoosive fuck up, choosing to stay with the crowd and see The Stereophonics, instead of seeing Ellie Goulding and more importantly Florence & The Machine. I've seen The 'Phonics many times before, and for me, they've kinda peaked. I knew I wouldn't get anything 'new' out of seeing them, but still I followed the crowd. What a fucking pussy. I wont ever do that again.

The garden candles were a genius idea.

Kit Kat chunky can save your life at 3am.

I always have my faith restored in people when I go to a music festival. You meet some of the nicest, weirdest, quirkiest, generous, odd, goofball, funny, loveliest people you would never normally have the opportunity to meet. It's amazing, and the feelings I get when I'm surrounded by these people could never be put down in words.

Being woken up by a girl singing "Morning has broken" in her loudest 'out of tune' voice at 6am, after three hours sleep, does not a happy bedshaped make.

"Sex on fire" was ammmmmazing!

I made a good trade off, when I agreed to pitch an extra tent for people arriving later on the Friday, in exchange for them cooking bacon sarnies every morning. It was a completely winning deal! Nom nom nom.

People will offer you all sorts of shit while you're in amongst the crowds; coke, ketamine, mdma, weed, poppers, tabs.... Just say no kids! Don't ever accept anything from people you don't know. No matter how much you may be connecting with them at that point in time. I gave a guy a bite of my apple, he offered me some pills!

Cheap blow up beds from Tesco are rubbish, repeat, they are rubbish!

There's just not enough time during the weekend, during each day, to see all, or even most of what you wanna see. There will be stage time clashes, essential chill out time, and secret stuff going on all the time. But so long as you finish that weekend feeling like you've experienced something very special, then that's all that matters.

I Am Weasel!

Got God on the drums, and The Devil on the bass. If you wanna dance, you'd better find a space.

Artists/Bands I got to see at VFest:

Kings of Leon, Stereophonics, Paul Weller, Editors, Feeder, Paloma Faith, The Divine Comedy (solo), The Magic Numbers, Robyn, Eliza Doolittle, Kirsty Almeida, The boy who trapped the sun, La Roux, The Prodigy, Shed Seven, Plan B, Faithless, The Kooks, Paolo Nutini, Skunk Anansie, Pixie Lott.

Artists/Bands I really wanted to see, but didn't:

Florence & the Machine, White Lies, Ellie, Goulding, Imogen Heap, Goldfrapp, Doves, Jamie T.

We are a lullaby, an ever-lasting song. Taken as prisoners, to a place where we belong. If the tune stops, I will not wait. Without us, I'm no-one. My soul swells and aches.

I survived.
Just about.
And even now, almost five days later, I'm only just beginning to feel 'normal'.

While I was away, I fell in love with a girl.
She is amazing. I love everything about her.
Funny, cute, imaginative, quirky, experimental, possibly a little un-hinged, honest, personal, frank, open, interesting. Long red hair, lovely eyes, wonderfully curvy, gorgeous voice, great fashion sense, artistic.

We're seeing each other again just before my birthday, early November.
Cant      Wait.

Join our group and you will find, harmony and peace of mind, Make it better. We're here to welcome you.

Back in four days.
Approximately.

The music is calling me.
x

Some people hide in their life. Some people need more than a slice.

There's a terrible lack of great movies around lately.
Three most memorable movies for me, of late; Inception, Shutter Island - much better second time around, and Kick Ass - has miles left in it.

New, original stuff needed. Stat.

A five and a pocket full of silver, I paid the lady no change. and then it started to piss down, I started driving again .

So, I'm officially 'between jobs'. And when I say between jobs, what I mean is, I worked my last day today and haven't got a start day for a new job yet. In fact, I've not had an offer in writing or signed anything. I could have fucked up there, but hey, I feel okies about it.
I need to to ring the new place tomorrow, to make arrangements for a start date, but more importantly, to arrange getting a car off them. Otherwise I have four passengers with me for VFestival and no way of getting us there.
The hiccup with the extra ticket has now been resolved and there's a funky team of us going. The one person who was supposed to come has left me in a bit of a downer, if I'm honest, but I'm determined to let it affect me in absolute minimal ways.

I'm feeling more excited about just being there, than seeing any particular bands or artists. And that feels weird. As if I've perhaps 'moved on'. Maybe I'll have more of an answer to that when I return.
One thing I do know, is that I ate some chicken yesterday which hasn't exactly agreed with me, and I do not want to be contemplating a weekend music festival with an upset stomach.

You turned into another. You turned into nutter. You turned into another man.

Is it possible to know another person, inside out, upside down?
You may be able to finish their sentences, but could that be put down to a more 'routine' element.
And would you ever want to know a person that much? Would that create a very balanced sense of peace in your life, or would it be a catalyst for fear. Fear that there's nothing else to live for?

Sometimes when it rains, there's a rainbow. Sometimes in the dark, if we reach out. Behind every shadow, there's light.

Thank you,
You have no idea....
x

Send a question in the wind. It's hard to know where to begin. So send the question in the wind. And give an answer to a friend.

I'm sat here wondering who's telephone number I would give, in case something happened and it was like an emergency call.

Four weeks ago, we were told that my cousin has lung cancer.
Last week, we were told my uncle, her dad, has throat cancer.

If I wish for one thing to 'happen' in my lifetime; I don't care about time-travel, flying cars or virtual worlds....I'd wish for a cure to be found for cancer. Or even better, a preventative measure or medicine. Surely we can't be too far away from preventing and curing this fucking awful, awful disease.

Because I'm missing, Can you find me? I can't afford a big reward, but baby I'm reliable.

So things have changed once again.
I need to study the debris, and find a way to piece it back together.
But I feel challenged.
Motivated.
Positive.
And strong.

I quit my job yesterday.
Spontaneity is my friend.
And also a difficult word to spell.

Inside the finest little space. And the slightest sound just makes you wanna close your eyes, and hold your breath.

I'm an easy target, a pushover, a sure-fire crumbler.
Go on, take advantage of me. And even though I'm clearly not in the wrong, you will always manage to make me feel like I've done wrong.
And your goal? To make me feel like utter shit.
Congratulations, you can sleep easy.

'Cos the joke that you laid in the bed, that was me, and I'm not gonna fade as soon as you close your eyes, and you know it.

You may be tempted by the understanding of Damien Rice, the movement of Radiohead, the depth of Tori, the emotion of Natalie.... And of course many, many others could be substituted here. But nothing,  nothing makes you feel better after a break up than Alanis.

There goes my last temptation. She moves with a sweet consideration. And I'll hope you don't miss it, now it all is gone.

What happened to all the beautiful people?
Their make up has run, their shells have peeled back.
Backstabbed their defences, gone on the attack.

What happened to all those promising words?
Pursed on those lips, delivered with ease.
Covered with venom, full of disease.

I'm high, but I'm grounded. I'm sane, but I'm overwhelmed. I'm lost, but I'm hopeful, baby.

So now, I'm kinda left with an extra ticket for Vfestival.
Which is in less than two weeks.
But I'm ok about it.

I'm not sure where I'm headed, I've gotten lost before. I've woke up stone drunk on the floor.

She promised me. She looked me in the eye and promised me that she wouldn't leave. Leaving, meaning she would be getting into her car and driving twenty odd miles whilst way, way over the drink drive limit.
But despite me managing to stop her a few times until she crumbled on the bed, repeating how much of a dick she thinks she's been. And despite me thinking, "thank fuck for that", after she'd finally fallen asleep. And despite countless conversations ending with her saying she wasn't going anywhere....
She woke up while I had drifted off to sleep, and left. No, not left....fucked off, jumped ship, done one, snuck out.... A text message from her gives me the impression she left here about an hour after she fell asleep. Or at least I thought she was asleep. Way over the drink limit for driving. I wouldn't say she was drunk, I'd say she was pissed.
She was fucking horrible during most of the evening. I could feel myself getting anxious and scared, because I really had no idea how she was gonna react next. She'd already done and said things I would never had expected her to, so my imagination started to wonder; is she gonna get violent, is she gonna start smashing things up, throwing things around, is she gonna come at me with some kind of weapon.
She knows how I feel about drunk drivers, not just for their own safety, but mostly for the safety of others on their journey. Obviously not giving a toss about knowing she was over the limit, obviously not giving a second thought that she broke her promise, that she thinks so little of trust, so little of truth.

It wasn't the first time, but it was the last.

All the gold and the girls in the world couldn't get you off.

Many people's expectations have changed.
There just seems to be an apathy and aloofness from most people, and I can't help but feel like they're short-changing themselves.
And yet, when I live my life without dropping my own standards and expectations, I'm left with a bitter taste in my mouth and most other people just shrugging their shoulders.

The whole thing just stinks of animosity.

We are a lullaby, an everlasting song. Taken as prisoners to a place where we belong. If the tune stops, I will not wake. Oh no. Without us, I'm no one, my soul swells and aches.

A few weeks ago, a group of us were talking about various gigs we'd been to.
Who we'd seen, who we really, really wanted to see but hadn't got around to seeing....yet, who'd been the best, the worst, the first....and so the categories continued. I can't remember all of the 'descriptions' we covered, but here's the majority, plus some we never talked about.

It should be noted, I really struggle with lists like this. Music in particular affects me in many different ways. One of the things I love about music, is that it can play wonders with one's emotions. You can feel low, listen to something and find yourself feeling up-lifted, positive, charged. You can feel low, listen to something that really taps into your feelings and emotions, and you feel listened to, understood, forgiven even. You can feel on top of the world, listen to something and feel your insides burst and fizzle and pop, making you feel superhuman. It can give you answers, support, an impartial ear. It can raise questions, make you angry, feed your fever. With this in mind, my 'favourites', as it were, can frequently change. Not always, but they do. Which makes making lists, such as my top ten favourite albums of all time for example, terribly difficult. There always seems to be a few albums that have never fell off the list, but quite what number to place them at is nigh on impossible. I could say that it was just as difficult to come up with a definite "Best gig ever", because of course I've seen some absolutely amazing gigs, and picking just one gives me the shivers.
But all that said, here's my best shot; including some that are factual based, not emotionally chosen. Oh, and on some I cheated 'cos I just can't pick one. I know, what a cock!

I shall just add a little disclaimer at the bottom of the post.

• First gig ever - Pussycat. My brother and I got dragged along to this one with my parents, when we were very young. I can barely remember it, except knowing that I was in a mahoosive room with what seemed like millions of other people, singing and dancing. I can't remember how old I was or even what country we were in, I just remember being bored. I don't know who Pussycat are, apart from I remember my mum playing the album over and over again, kinda country, kinda Mamas & Papas.

• First gig of my choice - Ozzy Osbourne NEC Arena. Back in the day when he tore up national headlines with his bat-head-eating shenanigans. The stage was dressed as a medi-evil castle; Ozzy played the 'king' of the castle, his band all dressed up accordingly, wenches and maidens made appearances, a small person (am I allowed to say dwarf? I don't even know, and Google has proved pretty useless) being hung on stage, lots of explosions, huge banks of lights and the loudest rock music I'd ever heard in....my....life! I absolutely loved it, and consequently fell in love with experiencing music at it's very best....when played live by the people who love it most. Thanks Ozzy x.

•  Most I've paid for a ticket (proper sale value) - Prince, Manchester Apollo. I think I payed around £75 for each ticket. It was unheard of for Prince to play such a small venue. And to say getting hold of a pair of tickets was bloody close to impossible, somehow I managed to speak to 'the right people' and bagged myself a pair. It was everything I wanted it to be; intimate, gorgeous, powerful, I was in awe. For the last 20 minutes of the gig, he had people from the audience up on stage with him. He did a blazing set and I came away, after not having seen him live for about six or seven years, convinced that he'd still got it. I've not seen him live since then. I had tickets to see him when he did the record breaking run at The O2 arena in London, but had to sell them because I was so desperately broke.

• Most I've paid for a ticket (from touts etc) - Coldplay, London. I've only ever bought dodgy tickets to two gigs anyway. By mid afternoon, I'd decided that travelling 120 miles to London, meeting up with a friend and trying to get tickets into the last gig Coldplay were to play before they exploded with "Yellow" was a good idea. In the end, it was. When we arrived at the venue, touts were selling them for £100 a piece. Big money! We went for a coffee and waited until two of the support bands had played. I ended up paying £50 a piece for the dodgy tickets. And very dodgy they were. It turned out that the tout was working in ca-hoots with the guy on door security, so we ended up with a ticket to see Morrissey the previous night, and a ticket for The Wonderstuff a few weeks ago, and sailed past the door. The gig was amazing.

• Best support band - Ultrasound, Wolves. They supported Placebo. I'd never heard of them, but noticed afterward that they were a current favourite of NME. Quite possibly the strangest looking band I've ever seen. They didn't look like a band at all. There was clearly no common thread through any of the band members. By the time they were into their second song, I was converted. Musically, they were brilliant. Not the best players in the world, but wonderfully creative with their sound and instruments. They completely won the crowd over and I immediately rushed up to my local Our Price to buy their cd

• Most disappointing gig - Evanescence, Wolves. Bloody loved their breakthough album, had a bit of a 'thing' for the lead singer. The place was packed, the atmosphere was electric, the anticipation was immense. The crowd were totally in the mood to be rocked out of our socks. What happened was three or four songs with piss poor sound mixing before they got any where near anything decent, coupled with absolutely no chemistry on stage between the band. In fact, I'd say it was more like animosity. Yep, they didn't look happy, comfortable or even show any signs of enjoyment playing their songs. It soon became a 'by the numbers' gig, with very little in between. I found out the following day that the band had a huge bust up with the lead guitarist/co-writer and he'd walked out on them a few days into the tour. Most of the comments I over-heard on the way out at the end of the gig were of disappointment and negativity. Shame.

• Most intimate gigs - James Blunt, Brighton. A month or so before he was all over the radio like a nasty rash on a tramp, I found out he was playing a few warm up gigs before commencing a more 'suitable' tour of medium sized venues. There were probably less than a hundred of us in the room, but he performed as if we were a crowd of many thousands. It was obvious he was loving every minute of it, and because it wasn't your typical 'conventional' gig, he continued way past the time he should have finished by. The sound was perfect; crystal clear, the atmosphere was amazing and pretty much everybody there knew we were witnessing something very, very special. Oh, and about twenty minutes after he finally went off-stage, he came out the front and sat down to have a drink with a few people. He came across as a really nice guy. Shame he turned into a twat.                                                         Prince, Small club in London. During one of his Wembley Arena gigs, I stumbled upon the woman who used to run his UK fan club many years previously. To cut a long story short, she game me three tickets to a special after show party/gig that was happening in a small club in the West End of London. Admission was strictly by ticket only, plus another £25, but it was too good an opportunity to pass up. He came on stage about 3am and played until 6.30, delighting the audience of about 200 people with old songs, new songs, jams, new arrangements, special guests and stage dives. It was amazing. He smells amazing. And I got to touch the little tinker when he turned his back on us, then took a leap into our open arms.

•  Most embarrassing gig attended - Status Quo, Milton Keynes. My brother used to be a huge fan, so I would offer to go when nobody else would. I've seen them more than once, but the less said about this, the better.

• Gigs I've either blagged my way into or paid nothing for - Linkin Park, Manchester. Placebo, many venues. Oasis, Manchester. David Gray, B'ham. U2, Wembley. Athlete, Oxford. And various other bands on the up and coming.

• Performance I've watched whilst most stoned - Richard Ashcroft, V Festival. It was amazing. When he sang "Lucky Man", I felt like I was gonna have an orgasm, right there and then.

• Band/Artist I really want to see - Too many to name. Metric, Goldfrapp, White Lies, Paloma Faith, Bombay Bicycle Club, Jamie T, Biffy Clyro, Interpol, Arcade Fire, Florence and The Machine, Natalie Merchant, The National....

• Bands/artists I've seen more than 4 times - Prince, probably close to 30 times. Embrace, Elbow, Placebo, Faithless, Stereophonics, Keane, Starsailor, Paul Weller, Doves, Feeder....

• Shortest gig/set I've seen - Mel C, V Festival. She came on late afternoon, main stage. Did a couple of songs, then decided it would be a good idea to do a cover of "Anarchy In The Uk". It wasn't. The crowd pelted the stage with anything and everything; bottles, beer cups, sandwiches, clothing, shoes, cuddly toys, fruit, you name it.

• Longest Gig attended - Prince, London. There was no support, the stage was in the middle of the Arena and he played for just over 3 1/2 hours in total, with a short 20 minute break in the middle.

• Loudest gig - 30 Seconds To Mars, B'ham. No distortion in the speakers at all, just pure volume. Brilliant gig, supporting their second album. I had ringing in my ears for several days after that night. In fact, it was still there when I went to see Paramore at the same venue two days later. Oof!

•  Best gig I've been to - So difficult to say. Elbow, B'ham was absolutely amazing. During the tour supporting their Leaders Of The Free World album. Despite good reviews, a building fan-base and a good choice of venue, the place was half empty. Guy had his leg in plaster if I remember correctly, spending much of the gig either sat on a chair or stumbling around the stage aided by a walking stick. There was lots of banter and crowd interaction, leaving us feeling like we'd just been down the road to watch our good friends play some of their songs to a small, select few. Prince has rarely disappointed, particularly his Diamonds and Pearls tour when his stage set-up, his band, his dancers and the sets he played were fantastic. JJ72, B'ham were brilliant both times I managed to catch them in small clubs. Embrace, B'ham about five or six years ago were superb. A band who look like they absolutely love what they do. I was right at the front at this one, and Danny, the lead singer held my hand for support when he climbed on the barrier. Woop! Tori Amos, Glastonbury was a set I don't think I'll ever forget. Her keyboards failed, so she played the entire set on an amplified piano. Radiohead, London supporting their Kid A album, but mostly sticking to what they knew. The gig was in a huge, fuck-off marquee plonked on the edge of a park. R.E.M. Hyde Park was a fantastic day. Managed to bag some 'Gold Circle' tickets, giving us access to the area right by the stage. Michael Stipe was in fine form, the set list was a great choice and we even had Patti Smith doing a guest appearance.

• Best thing I've blagged from a gig - Faithless stage set list. I don't even know where it is anymore, since I've been moving around like a nomad. I'm hoping it's still in the box with all my old gig tickets and memorabilia.

• Biggest cock/cocks at a gig - Liam Gallagher, everytime. 'Nuff said. The guy is a complete cock, period. Hard Fi come runners up for their utterly abysmal performance at V Festival a few years ago when they were all clearly our of their heads, desperately trying to play half decent but ending up sounding like a shitty school band.

I'm sure there's much more I can list here, if I took the time to think about it. And I know that come next week, this list would have different results, but as it stands at the moment....this is it.

*disclaimer* Most of the artists/bands above are always subject to change.

Take what you need and be on your way, and stop crying your heart out.

Tomorrow, I have to get up and leave the house by 7am, drive over 90 miles to sit for 8 hours for 'training' on something I know pretty much everything about, in order to be 'permitted' to perform that duty in a job I am leaving.
Wonderful.

Well, I'm gonna buy a gun and start a war. If you can tell me something worth fighting for. And I'm gonna buy this place is what I said. Blame it upon a rush of blood to the head.

For the second time this week, I've walked into the men's toilets to find the previous occupant didn't even flush properly.

Dear person/persons who use the toilet at work for number two's,

Would you like walk into the toilet and find a 'present' awaiting your arrival?
No?
Didn't think so.

Please be kind enough to show some common courtesy.

Best wishes,
bedshaped x

Kicking up mischief, and feeding the fire. Kicking up mischief, and walking the wire.

It's all about pushing yourself.
Never mind "that extra mile", a few extra steps are enough.
And when you come up against something immovable in your way,
You just start pushing in a different direction.
I'd like to be pushing in all sorts of new directions by the end of this year. I'd like to be doing something 'different' with my life, I'd like to have my own space back, I'd like to focus more on getting myself happy and learning to love myself again, instead of thinking back at pointless things and people that don't matter anymore. You can't change the past and people are just people.

Hope is what I'm carrying a lot of.

Give me envy, give me malice, give me your attention. Give me envy, give me malice, baby give me a break.

I seem to be really enjoying parts of my life lately.
Back to life, back to reality.
In the next couple of months alone, I'm going to be witnessing, nay, participating in the joy that is The Rocky Horror Show. Yes, Of course I'm gonna be dressing up. I'm also going to revisit my Church this year. The place where I truly feel at complete ease with myself. V Festival. Four days of music, love, joy and elation. Four days of life. Shortly after that weekend, I'm accompanying someone to watch a ballet. I've always wanted to see an opera, but none of my friends are feeling brave enough to tackle one of those, so a ballet is kinda like a happy medium. I'm really looking forward to it. Gotta dress up all smart and everything! There's tentatively good news on the house front. I may actually have my own place to chill out in soon....ish.

I took two blag bags of clothes to the Oxfam shop a few weeks ago. It felt good to cleanse my wardrobe.

To see if I can, I'm gonna try for something here every day this month. It would be nice to finish off here the same way as I started; blogging every day. Although I've deleted lots of the first posts. I'm such a twat.