And it feels like running with your eyes closed, if you forget what you're supposed to be

After the high of the weekend, I've felt deflated today.
Is that to be expected?

Money troubles piss me off.
The fact I allow myself to get so pissed off about it, pisses me off.
If I can get through the next 5 days without a very nasty letter from my Bank Manager, I'll be really surprised.

You shut your mouth. How can you say I go about things the wrong way?

Had a BBQ on Saturday night.
Little bit crazy.
Little bit mad.
Even the people who weren't partaking in the weed were probably stoned.

The whole 'lighting of the fire' ceremony didn't quite go to plan, as The Girl will probably enjoy blogging about.

The day after has seen me mostly wondering "did people have a good time...did they all eat enough....did they have a good time....oh my god, I didn't really speak to any of them....did they have a good time....shit, I'm such a crap host....".
Oh and why....of all the times for me to struggle with getting the BBQ fire going, did it have to happen in front of 13 of my friends.
Bollocks.

I am human and I need to be loved
Just like everybody else does

Wrap me up with confidence, break it down when it suits you.

If you could swap gender for the day, surely one of the first things you'd do is have sex with yourself.
Just to see what it feels like from the other point of view.

Or is that just me?

Breathe it in and breathe it out. And pass it on, it's almost out.

Reflection.







It's very relevant, maybe not so much now....

Cos everybody knows, if you don't mind your mother's words, a wicked wind will blow your ribbons from your curls.

He let himself in quietly, so she wouldn't hear. She didn't.
There she was, stood at the bookcase, letting her eyes wander over the shelves, while her mind just....wondered. She swayed gently, causing a rift in her skirt. Her shoulders divided by her fallen hair.He stood and watched her for a while, so beautiful.
Movements like a mouse, up to the point when he knew she would be able to feel his breath on her neck. Tilting her head slightly allowed him to kiss the nape of her neck, slowly working his way up to her ear.

He felt her shiver.

Wrapping his arms around her waist, they soon found their fingers inter-locked. Entwined. Wrapped. Indivisible. His hug grew tighter as he continued kissing her neck and along her shoulder. She releases a hand and reaches back to feel him so close behind her, tilting her head to the other side now. They dance this lovers dance for minutes that feel like hours.

He felt her shiver.

His fingers stroke her stomach and make circles on her clothing, feeling for edge of her top. Finding it, he slips his hand underneath and immediately feels the warmth of her soft skin compared to his colder hand. He moves his hand slowly up to her chest, tracing the edge of her bra. Every now and then one of his fingers slips inside the cup, just enough to brush the edge of her nipple. Then he withdraws, teasing her. Their lips finally find each other and dance away. Dance away. Dance away.

He felt her shiver.

They've said nothing to each other, they don't need to. Their bodies are doing all the talking, movements of wanting, desire, passion and craving. She sighs, leaning back onto him....into his fold so she can feel him. She can, he's hard, pressing into her cheeks. His other hand moves to join the one now underneath her bra, cupping her breast. Moving them slowly around her breasts, teasing her by occasionally brushing her nipples. His hands have become as warm as her skin now. She writhes a little as she feels him gently pinch her nipples.

He felt her shiver.

Their breathing begins to thicken, becoming heavy with each passing minute. She reaches back to undo his belt. Her concentration is faltering, his fingers are seeing to that. His belt loosened, she unbuttons his jeans and reaches inside to feel him. He's throbbing. She's throbbing. They both let out a sigh as she pushes back harder onto him. Reaching down, she pulls up the front of her skirt, allowing her to pull down her knickers. Her feet juggle as she tries to step out of them without losing the feel of him so hard behind her. They are tossed to the ground in such a way that he wouldn't fail to notice she'd removed them, although she really wants him to notice that her other hand is still under her skirt, gently stroking herself.

He felt her shiver.

He pushes up harder against her and she can feel how hot and wet he has become. Her hand gently squeezing, then stroking, then squeezing again. Seems she is a good tease too. She pulls her hand from between her legs and reaches behind to run her fingers over his lips. His tongue traces the edge of a finger, tasting her, then as teasing as she was before, she pulls her hand back away from him. Reaching down, she finds the edge of her skirt again and begins to slowly hitch it up. She pushes back as it rises higher and higher, finally revealing her lovely round cheeks and she feels him push right into her.

He felt her shiver.

Earlier I was thinking about this:
Girls can put on a nice set of underwear and feel good because of it.
Guys have nothing like that.
And then that came into my head!

So loosen your shoulderblades, this is your hour to make due.

What is a marriage worth nowadays?

I don't have a problem with marriage, as such. It's the big 'connections with Religion' (in the UK at least)....it's the wearing of a ring to signify a belonging....it's the 'expected' thing, after a point....it's the 'ultimate point in a relationship' thing.
In the UK, marriages are connected with Religion in some way, shape or form. Either being conducted in a church, being performed by a person of Religious Nature, such as a priest or a minister, having Hymns sung, having passages from The Bible read out and the list goes on. I'm not Religious. Does that then make me a complete hypocrite for being involved with such things? I feel like it does.
Having such a huge tie in with Religion just makes me feel like it's being performed 'in the eyes of *insert God name here*', as if I'm seeking some kind of approval.
Do I need approval to be with the person who I want to spend the rest of my life with?

Do people need to wear a ring like a branding, signifying that "this one is taken"? At least one of the couple must be thinking such words.

I hate the fact that getting married appears to be most people's 'pinnacle' of a relationship. When you reach the peak of something, then that's it....there's nothing after that, so why have to have an 'end' to such a lovely journey.

I guess what also makes me cynical about it, is that I've been there before. And the most awful thing is how complicated and messy it makes things when two people decide it's not for them anymore. I know that's a terribly pessimistic way of looking at thing, but I can't help it. I guess it's once bitten, twice shy.
I know comparing marriage to a holiday probably isn't the greatest juxtaposition, but if you've been somewhere and it was crap, just didn't work out, then you would be very reluctant to go back, wouldn't you.
I also know a few people who got married for all the wrong reasons, security, peer pressure, pregnancy, fear of growing up alone. Seeing how their lives have been thrown into turmoil when it all breaks down is heartbreaking.

If I could get married the way I wanted to, then I'd probably consider it again.
People used to say, "Oh marriage is so old fashioned nowadays", but I don't agree with that. I just think people have got a little smarter about it.

There's loads of things that I love about being in a relationship. For me, the longer people are in a relationship without getting married, the stronger they appear as a couple. It's almost like....like they don't feel the need to 'prove' to anybody else how 'together' they are by wearing bands on their fingers and signing some certificates. The proof is there right in front of your eyes.

There's lots to be said for it, but I personally think there's more to be said against it.
My mum used to say to me "A marriage is something you work at". How can that be? How come the most important thing in anybody's life....love....is something you have to work at? That makes absolutely no sense to me at all. It's either right or it's wrong. It's either there or it isn't. It's either real, or a storytelling in the best form. It's either the person who brings out the best in you....or it isn't.

I am a poor man. I haven't wealth nor fame. I have my two hands and a house to my name.

Strange, unfamiliar ground.


It's difficult to know when you've been welcomed into a new family. Obviously, people tend to be on their best behaviour for the first few encounters, but how long before they actually welcome you into their circle.

The Girl's Mum looked me straight in the eye and with a smile on her face invited me round her place to "See my beautiful pussy".

Very
Unfamiliar
Ground.

The sorry conclusion, the low dirty war, it happened before you came to. But this is solution, and this is amends. The joke always tends to come true

How come....when we know where we're going, it's always such a long, complicated journey to get there?

And you kind figure out where you wanna be, without actually knowing what you wanna be.
Never-the-less, the goal is there.
Calling, stroking your name.

There's something on the horizon, you know you have to get there, because that's where you will be at your happiest. The important thing is to get there, not what state you're in when you get there.

We've shared joy and we've shared pain. We've shared guilt and we've shared shame.

When she showed me the picture that she'd painted of herself in the nude, baring her soul....giving me so much....
On reflection, my reply of "Wow, that's some serious masturbating material" could have been much better thought out.

Be my friend, hold me. Wrap me up, unfold me. I am small and needy. Warm me up and breathe me.

12 months to the day.

I've listened to her breathing in and out.
Seen her grow from the sadness.
Watched her light amplify.
Witnessed the smile she used to hide away.

I still find it difficult to understand how I could have helped her come this far, but she can be insistent....persistent....confident.

The story has only just reached the first chapter.
Characters are still developing, plot lines are intertwining and a million and one things could still happen.
I simply can't put it down.
My desire to see how it unfolds is too compelling.

I've never felt as safe as this before. It's wonderful and completely addictive.

I remember it well, there was wet in your hair. I was stood in the stair and time stopped moving.

This morning, I woke
And you were gone.
Of course you'd not lay your body down next to mine last night.
Except in my mind.

I spoke as if you were there
Taking the same breaths as me.
The silence only added to the distance between us.
A slackening in the bind.

Empty and hollow
That space right beside me.
Picture perfect in my head with dancing illusions.
Our fingers entwined

Thank you silence, for moving my lips.
Thank you defences, for breaking down.

I met him in a crowded room. Where people go to drink away their gloom.

Disaster at the Damien Rice gig, but the weekend was still really nice.
I apologised about the gig, but I think she'd already decided it wasn't my fault.

Alanis Morissette is doing some strange things lately.

I made cheese on toast for The Girl. She seemed quite impressed.

We might have landed a job commissioning a Water Treatment Plant. I love the whole idea about this. It's a complete recycling plant for oil and water. Nothing gets wasted. How cool is that! And I really, really want this job to work out. I'd like to think that I'd done something even fairly useful to help conserve some of our decaying planet.

It's my Niece's birthday party on Saturday night. It will be the first time The Girl has met any of my relatives and friends, apart from my mum and dad. I really want her to meet some more of 'my people', but what I really want is to show her off to them all. I feel terrible saying such a thing, like she's some sort of property of mine. She isn't and I don't feel that way at all. It's just....I've never been 'with' anyone before, who makes me feel so at ease with myself. I feel like I can do anything when we're together. And I think that makes me a better person....and I'd like them all to see this person who brings out the best in me.

I had something much more interesting to say earlier, but it disappeared as soon as I lit that spliff....