Monday, April 16

So loosen your shoulderblades, this is your hour to make due.

What is a marriage worth nowadays?

I don't have a problem with marriage, as such. It's the big 'connections with Religion' (in the UK at least)....it's the wearing of a ring to signify a belonging....it's the 'expected' thing, after a point....it's the 'ultimate point in a relationship' thing.
In the UK, marriages are connected with Religion in some way, shape or form. Either being conducted in a church, being performed by a person of Religious Nature, such as a priest or a minister, having Hymns sung, having passages from The Bible read out and the list goes on. I'm not Religious. Does that then make me a complete hypocrite for being involved with such things? I feel like it does.
Having such a huge tie in with Religion just makes me feel like it's being performed 'in the eyes of *insert God name here*', as if I'm seeking some kind of approval.
Do I need approval to be with the person who I want to spend the rest of my life with?

Do people need to wear a ring like a branding, signifying that "this one is taken"? At least one of the couple must be thinking such words.

I hate the fact that getting married appears to be most people's 'pinnacle' of a relationship. When you reach the peak of something, then that's it....there's nothing after that, so why have to have an 'end' to such a lovely journey.

I guess what also makes me cynical about it, is that I've been there before. And the most awful thing is how complicated and messy it makes things when two people decide it's not for them anymore. I know that's a terribly pessimistic way of looking at thing, but I can't help it. I guess it's once bitten, twice shy.
I know comparing marriage to a holiday probably isn't the greatest juxtaposition, but if you've been somewhere and it was crap, just didn't work out, then you would be very reluctant to go back, wouldn't you.
I also know a few people who got married for all the wrong reasons, security, peer pressure, pregnancy, fear of growing up alone. Seeing how their lives have been thrown into turmoil when it all breaks down is heartbreaking.

If I could get married the way I wanted to, then I'd probably consider it again.
People used to say, "Oh marriage is so old fashioned nowadays", but I don't agree with that. I just think people have got a little smarter about it.

There's loads of things that I love about being in a relationship. For me, the longer people are in a relationship without getting married, the stronger they appear as a couple. It's almost like....like they don't feel the need to 'prove' to anybody else how 'together' they are by wearing bands on their fingers and signing some certificates. The proof is there right in front of your eyes.

There's lots to be said for it, but I personally think there's more to be said against it.
My mum used to say to me "A marriage is something you work at". How can that be? How come the most important thing in anybody's life....love....is something you have to work at? That makes absolutely no sense to me at all. It's either right or it's wrong. It's either there or it isn't. It's either real, or a storytelling in the best form. It's either the person who brings out the best in you....or it isn't.

11 parlez:

Saffyre said...

I think I probably would get married, but I would never have the big church fiasco.

I think a nice beach wedding would be more my scene.

Anxious said...

I'm not keen on weddings/marriage - I'm just not sure what it would add to our relationship or why we would be doing it.

But most weddings I go to these days aren't religious in any way - they're not conducted in a church and there's no mention of God, so it doesn't have to be about religion.

bedshaped said...

saffyre,
Aah yes, now a beach wedding sounds nice!

anxious,
And that's just it. What does getting married add to a relationship? Certainly not what it used to, but then maybe that's a sign of the times.

surly girl said...

i think it's more of an affirmation - yes, you can be committed to each other but it's the sort of declaring it, for me. and i speak as someone who was unhappily married for years (but who is getting married again next year - in a pub, by the singer in a punk band (if we can get him ordained!!).

bedshaped said...

So, is the 'declaring' statement for your benefit (being in the relationship) or shown as a statement to others?

Cat said...

I was always really jealous of my friend S. She was whisked off her feet at 21 by a rich, older man, and married at 25. Now, at 30, she's having an affair with her driving instructor and about to get divorced. Turns out the rich, older man was a complete control freak and being married was like being in prison.

That said, I want to be a briiiiiddddeeee!!!!!

Delboy's Daughter said...

I'm with Surly Girl, Cat and Saffyre on this one.
I used to want the whole big church thing. Wanted white petals on the floor down the isle. Wanted nothing more than my proud dad to take me by the arm and walk me down. Wanted to feel the prettiest i'd ever feel in my life ever again (superficial i know, but there it is).
I wanted a full church with friends and family all smiling and happy for us.
The traditional thing.

Lately i'm less sure.
I'd still have liked all the above, loved even, but after having listened more closely to religious undertones in the ceremony i've become reluctant to participate in something that hipocritical. The religion side of it anyway.
I do feel sad about it. Losing the childhood dream.
And call it ideological conditioning, or whatever you will, I still have the ingrained want to belong to my loved one. To share their surname and everything else that being married means.
I see religion as wrong, but the principle right.
And i cant be bothered to go into it anymore because it's too hard in a comments box and it's late!

moi said...

so very well thought out.

SwissToni said...

I'm getting married in 6 1/2 weeks time. We've been going out now for 8 years and although there wasn't a proposal, we just agreed that the time felt right. We're having a completely civil ceremony in Vienna and have held firm on our ruling that it's for friends and immediate family only. Auntie Betty has *not* been invited. We're having the "do" at a humble wine garden in the Vienna hills. There's no seating plan. It's a buffet. Every guest gets to nominate 2 songs for the reception (subject to my veto, obviously).

I'm going to wear a ring, as is C (although hers won't be a traditional band). I just wanted to wear one, really. I've never worn a ring before and I quite like the idea of openly displaying my commitment.

It's not a big deal, really. I'm hoping it will just be a really great day for everyone.

ST

bedshaped said...

Thanks for all the responses everyone.
Certainly a lot of views on this subject and maybe, just maybe it's not as cut and dried as I thought it was.

Puck said...

Agreed that there are all sorts of different circumstances but on the whole, I have to agree with everything you've said in your post there.

Another thing I'm constantly amazed by, is how pitying looks are saved for people in their late twenties onwards who hadn't 'managed to settle down' (?) and get married. What are the chances of everyone meeting their life partner at the same sort of age. Sometimes I think the notion of belonging consists of grabbing the nearest person at the time that social pressure is going to be at it's height.

I think, not so much in this liberal day and age, but sometimes, at the root of these decisions is fear.

Great post.