I suffer the dreams of a world gone mad, I like it like that and I know it. I know it well, ugly and sweet. That temper madness with an even extreme.

A few days ago, I think I was at my lowest. So far as this year goes anyway.
I still find it amazing that even when people are feeling depressed....No wait....let me re-phrase that....I still find it amazing that even when I'm feeling at my lowest, feeling like there's nothing else left that can bring me down anymore....something does. Whether it's something new that appears from nowhere and drags my heels down even further into the ground, or whether it's the sheer weight of everything that already exists that makes me lose my footing, something pulls me down even further.

Well, that's it.
That's enough.
I've suffered with so much negativity in my thoughts, that I'm positively attracting it. And I know this isn't a good thing. It's not good for me. It's not good for people around me. It's just not good, period.
So, it stops here.

I want to fill myself with positive energy.
I want to fulfill some of my dreams.
I want to be happy.
And I want the people who know me to look upon me, not with pity as they probably have done, but with pride and admiration.

One of my favourite things is the 1 Giant Leap project. Everything it stands for is based on the belief that positivity is the key to happiness. And that's the crux for me. I don't want huge wealth, I don't want fame and fortune, I don't want to be hugely popular, I don't want to live forever. I just want to be happy.
On the film that accompanies the project, there's a guy who says such a simple thing. Something so simple and obvious that when I first heard it, it hit me like a tonne of bricks. I apologise if I misquote him, but this is basically what he said:
“Some people went around interviewing dying patients and not one person said they regretted not making more money or working harder, they all seemed to say their regrets were not spending more time with the people they love, and not traveling more and not relating more… to the world.”

Take the time to make some sense of what you wanna say.

I find it bemusing to understand how difficult certain Companies can be.
I'm currently using one such Company to print some Business leaflets for me. After this morning's telephone conversation, which resulted in an apparently empty promise of a call back, I decided to chase them up again. Once again, the person I needed to speak to was 'unavailable', so I asked if the person who I was speaking with could possibly help me.
"No. She will get back to you as soon as she can. They've all been really busy today."
How lucky for them! Obviously so busy that they don't give two fucks about gaining any new business. All I wanted to do was arrange payment for the leaflets.
With my previous job, if I'd have been overheard speaking to a Customer like that, without even trying to help them, I'd have been strung up by the nearest lamp-post.
Has Business and Customer Service changed that much in the last 9 months or am I just turning into a grouchy old bastard?!

Let's all meet up in the year 2000. Won't it be strange when we're all fully grown.

I had enough work coming in to be able to pick and choose. The rest I passed on to another guy who needed the work because he was just starting out himself.
On the occasional evening, I helped out a local band who were still trying to make it big after 3 years of trying. I became their reliable roadie, funny story teller and weed smoking buddy.
My Bank Manager addressed me as Sir and didn't insist on sending me letters demanding their money back anymore.
And best of all....every night, I climbed into bed next to The Girl.

I think that's the best dream I've had all year, if you don't count the one where Angelina turns up on my doorstep....

Are you gonna try to make this work or spend your days down in the dirt. You see, things can change, yes and walls can come tumbling down!

The phone has stopped ringing.
I can only hope it's a temporary thing.
Frequently contacting the call centre to catch any new work that's come in doesn't seem to be working for me.
This is hard.
This is proving very frustrating.

Companies don't email or call me back. What ever happened to good Business etiquette, or just simple good manners?

Research tells me that more than half of new Businesses that start up in the UK fail within the first 2 years, with the first 12 months months being the most brutal. I can't claim ignorance, because I knew all this before I decided to take the plunge.
I think the local Pizza parlour are looking for delivery drivers.

Turning around to the next set of lives, wondering what will come next.

Tony Wilson, 20th Feb 1950 - 10th Aug 2007















A sad loss for the music scene.
I can only hope that music aficionados, people in the music industry and the good people of Manchester give him the send off he truly deserves.

Rest In Peace.

So I don't look back. Still I'm dying with every step I take. But I don't look back. Just a little, little bit better.

The phone has been ringing.
Ok, so it's not exactly been ringing off the hook, but it's all got to start somewhere.

Due to my currently desperate financial predicament, I've had to swallow my pride and break my principles by selling my tickets for the Prince concert on Ebay.
I can't even begin to express how utterly sad this makes me feel.

It takes years to accept it all and to be yourself.

Well, after many hiccups and false starts, stumbles and trips, the day has finally arrived.
I'm now fully signed up as a sub-contractor and I guess all that's left is for me to wait for the phone to ring with a job. I want the phone to ring, but I'm also nervous about taking on my first few jobs. I guess that's an understandable reaction to be feeling and I can only hope that my confidence will grow in time.

The last few weeks have seen me living day to day in a dark, depressive hole. Even doing the most simple and mundane tasks have taken most of my strength and it's been a constant reminder of how my life was for many months when I was at my lowest. I've resisted a visit to my doctor because his answer will be to put me back on those drugs....those drugs that switched on my mind, but left me feeling dead and empty inside. I wont go back to feeling like that because I feel like I can crawl out of this hole without medication.
It's all about taking one day at a time and realising that I need to walk again before I can run. And hopefully once I can run, people wont be able to see me for the dust.