Monday, August 6

It takes years to accept it all and to be yourself.

Well, after many hiccups and false starts, stumbles and trips, the day has finally arrived.
I'm now fully signed up as a sub-contractor and I guess all that's left is for me to wait for the phone to ring with a job. I want the phone to ring, but I'm also nervous about taking on my first few jobs. I guess that's an understandable reaction to be feeling and I can only hope that my confidence will grow in time.

The last few weeks have seen me living day to day in a dark, depressive hole. Even doing the most simple and mundane tasks have taken most of my strength and it's been a constant reminder of how my life was for many months when I was at my lowest. I've resisted a visit to my doctor because his answer will be to put me back on those drugs....those drugs that switched on my mind, but left me feeling dead and empty inside. I wont go back to feeling like that because I feel like I can crawl out of this hole without medication.
It's all about taking one day at a time and realising that I need to walk again before I can run. And hopefully once I can run, people wont be able to see me for the dust.

9 parlez:

Jen said...

Wishing you telephone calls aplenty.

The hole might be dark and ugly but the sunshine's more lovely than ever once we clamber out.

Walking's good - gives you more time to appreciate the stuff around you. Run too fast and it all becomes a blur that you can't remember.

Slowly, slowly... x

Mr. X said...

Is that the sound of ringing we hear?

You'll be up and jogging in no time, we hope...

Mr. X said...

P.S. Like the new layout!

Jo said...

I think you'd have more to worry about if you *weren't* nervous. Well, your customers would have anyway, and in the long run that's the same thing, no? I'm terrified most of the time, if it's any consolation...

bob said...

Good on you. It's all about baby steps, but you know that already.

treacle said...

Lovng the new look mate.

And sending you telephone ringing vibes. Lots of them. Good luck. :)

Cat said...

Really glad to see you back, sweetie, and I hope everything picks up. I've always resisted anti-depressants - although I know they work wonders for some people - but I do take a herbal supplement (which works as a seratonin uplifter) called 5HTP which might be worth a shot. No side effects, but definitely helps balance things out a bit. Just don't get the Holland and Barrett one - it's cheap, but it's cut with all sorts of junk.

bedshaped said...

Thanks for all the nice comments, they are much appreciated.

Delboy's Daughter said...

5HTP is what you take the day after a night of e popping to get you through the come down days ahead!
Cat you cheesy quaver !