Wednesday, November 28

Keep this scene inside your head, as the bruises turn to yellow, and the swelling goes down.

A few days have passed me by in a kind of blur. Probably as a result of only managing three or four hours of undisturbed sleep. It's the waking up, convinced that somebody has been pounding on the front door, demanding to be let in so they can take anything of value.

It's a little hazy, but last night I think I dreamt I was crushing up travel sickness tables and snorting them. On reflection, perhaps watching Donnie Darko before I drifted off for the first time wasn't a good move.

I have had no work for two days straight now. Yesterday was the first time that I've seriously thought about giving up. Today I feel a little better.

Cutting back, cutting back, cutting back.
I've made a few changes with bills, fighting the thoughts of "is it worth it for only £20" with "every little will help". Yes, it's got to be worth it. I'm not sure how I can cut back anymore with my food shopping though, considering if I do have anything in the fridge or cupboards, it's already blatantly obvious that I go for value brands.

A consideration I was toying with was to leave this blog dormant for a while. Well, dormant or close it down completely. It's common-place to see other bloggers go silent for a while, or even close down their blogs completely while they are going through tough times. Whilst I'm still struggling to post anything here that's of any relevance or even slightly interesting for anybody else to read, I've come to the conclusion that I've been thinking about it all wrong. I never started this with the intention of 'writing for an audience', although when you find yourself with 'regular readers', sometimes the purpose of invention becomes warped. So fuck it.

There are many, many important things in life that often get left by the side. Things that are so important, that it becomes ridiculous that they are not at the foremost of our thoughts more often. In fact the words "more often" doesn't even do them justice.
I'm grateful for the good things in my life and my goal is to make sure that when things aren't going my way....I pause....take a short step back....and be thankful for all the good things.

8 parlez:

Jen said...

You know, I don't think people only want to read about the good, jolly bits. So don't stop.

Empathise completely with the 20 quid here and there thing... I'm erring on the 'everything'll be fine' ostrich + sand thing.

You have loads of good things - they shine out and that's why people read your blog. You're hope personified and that's a bloomin amazing trait to have.

bedshaped said...

Such a sweet thing to say jen, thank you.

treacle said...

Jen's right. Life isnt all about the ups there are sometimes, many downs too. You're capacity to keep going despite everything is an inspiration to those of us who feel like giving up. Keep at it mate.

big hugs x

Cat said...

I completely agree - it feels like you really are on a journey at the moment, and we're all along for the ride.

John said...

It's a good policy to have. I do it all the time when things go wrong..."never mind, at least...".

Chin up mate.

H said...

I find that people stop reading when I'm happy and things are good. People tend to like to read when things are going wrong. They want to know how things resolve themselves.

Jennifer Watson said...

H has a very good point. No one reads mine in the (very rare occasion) when nothing bad is going on!!

Sadists, all of them.

Please don't stop writing, I only just got here :-)

bedshaped said...

Thanks for the nice comments everyone.
I don't think I'm about to give up. You know how it is....when things get so dark that it begins to affect your sleep, your health and just about everything else, keeping a blog doesn't come very high up on the 'to do list'.
I'm still using this place though, albeit a lot less frequently that I used to.