Sunday, January 16

They're the ones who'll hate you, when you think you've got the world all sussed out. They're the ones who'll spit at you. You will be the one screaming out.

Feeling pretty numb, the consequence of our conversation last night.

After dropping it on me at the very last minute, last Sunday night; "I'm going away for a few days. Actually, until Friday evening. I'm going somewhere to sort my head out. I just need some time, some space, some peace to get some kind of order going in my head. I have so many things going on in my life. I need this. And I hope you can give me this time. You wont be able to reach my phone; no calls, no text messages. But I promise you, it's all going to get sorted out and will be for the best. You have to trust me."
I know you have a lot going on. I know you have things you need to get your head around. I want to help you to help yourself, so yes, even though you give me just a few hours notice....I respect your wishes and take what you've just told me as the truth. I trusted you on your words. And I gave you that space, that silence, that peace.

You could never have kept this hidden from me. That was just a ridiculous thought.

When you actually opened up a little last night, after some persuasive and persistent conversation from me....When you dropped the bomb, when you talked about yourself and your addiction, and delivered an almighty kick in my face with your words....I felt numb. I felt detached from myself. I felt pathetic and stupid. I felt scared and angry. I felt cheated and hurt. I felt sick to the stomach. I felt completely worthless and selfish. I felt a thunderous mix of emotions, the likes I've never felt before. But above all else....I felt completely numb.

You lied to me on Sunday night. And I discovered that you'd lied to me before, many, many times. I told you last night that I could understand why, but tonight, the more time I've had to think about it....The more time I've had to think back over the last few weeks and months, the pieces have been slotting into place and I'm left feeling really stupid for not realising it before. But then....I've always trusted you on your words. Last night, you took all that trust, scrunched it up in a ball, fuelled it with deceit and words that meant nothing, and set fire to it until there was nothing left but cinders and ash.

I simply don't understand what it's like to be addicted to heroin. I don't know enough about that drug to understand what drives the addiction, how it makes you feel, why you would risk so much to feed your habit, not to mention how somebody like you could be smoking that shit!? I've been reading up on it tonight....what the effects are, what it does to your body and brain, how addictive it can be, how difficult it is to come off, how it takes over and destroys lives, how easy it is to relapse - no matter how much one wants to come off it, and it's been scaring the shit out of me.
I'm not a prude. I'm no saint. You know that I've dabbled with various drugs in my past, but I've never touched anything like that. In fact, I've always been damning of those types of drugs, speaking of how I've lost friendships to shit like coke, heroin, ketamine and the likes. And while we sat there talking about how I thought people who got hooked on those sorts of drugs had basically written off their lives, and potentially their relationships with friends and loved one's, you sat there and agreed with every fucking word I said. In fact, you made a point of telling me how harmful smoking weed was, knowing that I still used to do it myself on rare occasions. You fucking hypocrite!

I think you're unbelievably brave for opening up and admitting it to me last night. Of that, there's no question or doubt in my mind. And the fact that for that week away, you had checked into a detox clinic and had an implant inserted under your skin to rid you of this horrible thing is not only completely admirable and a step in the right direction, but also shows that you are serious about kicking this. Is that enough though?! And once again, this is where I feel totally selfish, but I can't help feeling that because you have destroyed all the trust we'd built up, can I really trust you and believe in you?! I want to. I truly do. I don't want to turn my back on you, I really don't. But, I can't begin to trust you again unless you are totally and utterly open and honest with me. And that's in your hands.

You wanted a few days of space, peace and silence. I gave you that. I am asking for the same.
What I've written here is my way of venting my thoughts, my frustrations and wringing out the emotional baggage that's all but drowning me. But I've hidden none of it from you. Everything here, and more, is what we've just spoken about on the phone. I needed you to listen, painful as it may have been for you to hear it. I can easily come back and edit or simply delete this post, particularly if I come back and realize it was all written with frustration, angst or as an immediate reaction. But I wanted you to hear how I feel about it, right now.

I'm sorry.

1 parlez:

treacle said...

just sending you love as you get through this...because you will, somehow, some way. x