This bed is on fire with passion and love. The neighbours complain about the noises above. But she only comes when she's on top.

So, this afternoon.
Here's the scene:
Vacated apartment, from where the previous tenants had 'done a runner'. In quite a hurry I might add, because all their personal belongings were still there. My task (done as a favour), was to help the lettings agency clear the apartment of everything except what would deemed as 'furnishings'; tables, chairs, bed etc.
Going through all the drawers and cupboards, delving into somebody's personal things is a horrible, horrible thing. I think it's the closest I'll ever come to how it must feel for some thieving bastard who breaks into your house while you're not there and rummages around through all your personal gear.
There was a distinct lack of information given to me prior to helping them out with this. Information that would have been....let's say....useful.

The previous tenant, who had used fake I.D to rent the property, had been running a 'gentleman caller's establishment'. A make-shift brothel as it were. This small, yet vital piece of information might have prepared me a little more for some of the things that we would find there.

In the kitchen cupboards we found 10 boxes of soft tissues, 15 boxes of nappy sacks, lots of batteries (and I mean lots), 5 bottles of baby lotion, several tubs of Vaseline, baby powder packs, flyers for swinger nights, many packs of baby wipes, a few boxes of latex gloves, a pair of leather gloves, 2 pairs of high heel shoes and some packets of boiled sweets.

In the bathroom there was more baby lotion, more boxes of tissues, more nappy sacks, some packets of flavoured lube and a huge tub of baby powder.

The bedroom was more of the same really. Under the pillows, we found several packs of lube and gels of various descriptions. The pièce de résistance revealed itself when we lifted up the mattress to find loads of tissues of the previously used variety. Urrrrgh. The wardrobe in the bedroom had an assortment of 'playful attire' in the guise of a nurses uniform, a maid's uniform, a police uniform and some leather thing that scared the hell out of me. The shelf in there had a tickling stick, some more shoes and boots, a few belts and a pair of sunglasses. The drawers were mostly full of underwear of various types. Some really awful choices too!

The most surprising (and slightly confusing) find revealed itself to us when we checked the cupboard where the boiler is. Inside was a selection of vibrators, some love-eggs and yet more batteries. Maybe they liked the sex toys to be nice and warm?!

The living room had a three seater leather sofa, 2 two seater sofas also in leather, two single chairs and a couple of bean-bags. One of these had a suspiciously nasty looking stain on it. Double Urrrrgh! A small TV with a DVD player sat in one corner of the room. Underneath that was the entire collection of Friends, Rush Hour 2 and Ali G The Movie. I can only presume that all the seating was provided for 'gentleman callers' to sit and literally wait their turn, maybe taking in a episode or two of Friends.

I can't remember everything that we bagged up and removed, there was simply so much. I can remember that we only found one condom in the whole place. Either they didn't practice safe sex or protection was on a 'bring your own' basis.
My stomach turned over a few times while we were in there. I mean, who's wouldn't?! Luckily, we were in and out within thirty minutes and I wore two pairs of gloves to make sure I didn't touch anything. In fact, I was using a metal rod to fling most of the things in the bags. And yes, it was my metal rod from the van and not some kinky implement rescued from the boiler cupboard.
Needless to say I've now chucked it away. I'd never have been able to pick it up again after being soiled like that. Shame really, it always came in useful.

I feel sorry for the guy who's moving into the apartment over the weekend. He's clueless as to what's been going on there and I personally think it's awful that the Landlord of the place has insisted on keeping the furniture in from the previous tenants.
I wonder how long it will be before he starts to get some knocks on his door.
Poor guy.