Wednesday, October 14

We think you're a joke, shove your hope where it don't shine.

A brief moment of silence passed between us; the cleaning lady and I.
A split second later, my facial expression changed to one of disbelief and I actually blurted out a "What The Fuck?" to her, this lady who has sixty years or so of life worn into the wrinkles on her face. This lady who comes into our place of work every weekday at five thirty, on the dot. This completely lovable lady who reminds me so much of a character who's been edited out of a Catherine Tate sketch.

As lovely as she is; imagine the warmest and friendliest Grandmother who looks like she would never say "Boo" to a goose.
As thorough at her cleaning job she might be, (and trust me, she's bloody good), there's something very strange, slightly 'wrong' and worryingly sinister about being told by her that last night her son showed her a film clip on his mobile phone, showing a naked man 'bearing down' on a jam-jar. And if that's not enough information to make your jaw drop, she ended her 'blow-by-blow' description by telling us this guy then clenched his cheeks, resulting in the jar (and subsequent jam) making a rather big, and presumably painful mess.

So, yeah. There was a brief moment of silence.
Once I'd realized that she did just actually tell us that story; delivered in much the same manner and matter-of-fact way as if she were telling us that last night she'd had her hair 'done', made supper for her husband and fallen asleep in front of the tv, I had to break the silence....

bedshaped, "I'm not sure which is more worrying, (insert lovely cleaning lady's name here)....the fact that you've just told us about watching a movie clip of a naked guy inserting a jar of jam in his arse and making it 'explode' in such a matter of fact, yet descriptive way....or that your son actually wanted to show you such a thing on his mobile phone, and let's not forget that you agreed to watch it."

She shrugged her shoulders and carried on polishing the desk.

So, yeah.
That's our cleaning lady.
Lovely woman, she is.
Just be warned that asking, "what did you get up to last night then?" may result in something completely unexpected.
I'm not sure I can look her in the eye anymore. And I'm also not sure if it's giggling material or quite disturbing.
One thing's for sure, I won't be asking her that question again anytime soon.

As far as what 'activity' people get up to behind closed doors, each to their own, I say. Even though I fail to understand certain, let's say, sexual practices. How a guy can get any kind of enjoyment or thrill out of 'jam-jar exploding' is beyond me, but hey, doesn't harm anybody else, does it!

10 parlez:

Beth said...

People do that kind of thing?? And other people are happy to watch people doing it? And then those other people willingly describe it to innocent bystanders??

I guess I've led a very sheltered life. You know what though - ignorance is bliss!

Duck said...

My cleaning lady came to a kitchen gadgets party once and when shown a shaped spatula immediately asked if it could be used in the bedroom. I'd strongly advise steering well clear of domestic operatives.

gekkogirl said...


Cat said...

Our cleaning lady at work seems to spend all her time sitting in empty classrooms, talking on her mobile phone. Not a great deal of cleaning appears to be done, other than emptying the bins.

bedshaped said...

Yep, there's a lot to say about cleaning operatives!

Blue soup said...

Oh my goodness, the blog gals and I were talking about this very clip at a meet up lately! It's on a site called efukt or something. Clip is called "one man, one cup". It is AWFUL!

nuttycow said...

Soupy - I said it then and I'll say it now... you know *far* too much about this clip for my liking!

bedshaped said...

Blue soup,
Yes, you appear to know far too much about this 'clip'. Something you wanna 'fess up about?!


Blue soup said...

Well it isn't my bum! Nor did I film it. The Mechanic's IT mate brought it up when we were sorting out my (then) new laptop (in January) and everytime I typed "you" for youtube, it was the first thing that came up as a suggestion (as in "Efuckt, porn you wish you never saw"), which could have been very embarrassing.

Incidentally: "resulting in the jar (and subsequent jam) making a rather big, and presumably painful mess. It isn't jam that comes pouring out. When I saw it, I was alarmed that the man had really hurt himself and had to go to A&E or something? TM's mate said that he was later on the forums posting photos of his scarred butt, but saying he was ok.

Ok, I think I just made it worse didnt i? :D

bedshaped said...

Whoah....a little bit too much detail there, Blue soup.