I've been longing for as long as I can remember, for something like this to go my way. And it always feels so right, and then you take it all away.

Tomorrow morning (Tuesday), I have to ring up and quit my job.
I start my new one on Wednesday.

Things
Happen
For
A
Reason

Sometimes, the fastest way to get there is to go slow. And sometimes, if you wanna hold on, you got to let go.

If you see that girl in passing, tell her I said "hey".
But only if you catch sight of her, no need to go out of your way.
She'll most likely shrink up her nose, trying to recall.
Cast her eyes up to the heavens, watching angels fall.
And frown and stumble her thoughts, come what fucking may.

Tell her not to worry, if she hears there's a body in the lake.
But only if you catch sight of her, no need to go out of your way.
Those fallen angels crying, dry tears of an unreturnable love.
When the truth came out, as push came to shove.
Her defenses rose up an army, turning everything colourful to grey.

She should know one thing, that she's not been thought of in days.
But only if you catch sight of her, no need to go out of your way.
Her stubbornness and silence, a sight for sore eyes.
If only she knew the truth, and saw through everybody else's lies.
Maybe in time she will, maybe she will become herself again one day.

I know this silence, been here before. I'm walking blinded through your door. This is a sense of things to come. This innocence.

New shirt - Check (White, crisp, virginal)
Suit - Check (A little on the big side now)
Polished shoes - Check (Shiny!)
Tie - Check (Damn, I hate wearing ties)
Fuel in the car - Check (enough to get there anyway)
Bath - Check (Love a nice, relaxing bath. Extra bubbles please)
Shave - Check (Damn you new razor, you fucking bastard, cut my neck..kjsdfhsdfjhsdf)
Teeth brushed - Check (Several times)
Pubes trimmed - Check (Well, I like to feel good about myself!)
Research on the Company - Check (Established, family owned, growing)
Playlist for the car journey - Check (Euphoric Emotions)
Slightly sicky feeling - Check (A little nervous? You bet!)
Application form completed - Check (Waffle waffle)
Photo to accompany application form - Check (Damn you fucking new razor!!)
Directions to Company - Check (Printed out 'cos my Sat Nav died)
Throw one out to relieve any tension - Check (Welcome back mojo)
Pre Interview nerves - Check (Bubbly)
Smellies applied - Check (Damn, I smell nice)
Going commando - Check (Oh, if only they knew!)
Bottle of wine for disappointment/celebration - Check

Maybe it's selfishness, you say. All the promise I've broken thoughtlesly, I know that's no way to live.

V music festival this weekend.
*sigh*
Just spoke to my niece who's there with her boyfriend. I got them the tickets. It's sunny, they're drinking lots and have Ladyhawke, The Streets, The Enemy and Oasis to see later. Damn n fucking bollocks, I'm so, so jealous!
Loving, loving, loving the E4 advert for the V Festival. That's my church.



I've just sent a text message to her, asking her to ring me if Oasis play a certain song. And telling her to take care.

A guy passed out at work yesterday. That's 3 this month so far. There are ovens, lots of heat and stagnant air, and no ventilation.

It's been a strange day, today. Earlier I met up with a girl I haven't seen or spoken to in over 15 years. She looks....the same....but with bigger tits. She's had them done. It was the second thing she told me on Facebook.

Why does sending a card sound like such a bad, terrible, intrusive, unwanted thing to do.

Tina Dico - "You Know Better."

Listen....listen to what she sings.
Couldn't have said it better myself.

But I realize that I need you, and I wonder if I could come home.

Bea's hair looks lovely. I wish she wasn't such a spoilt bitch.
And Davina looks really hot tonight.

What's happened in my life this week....? Well, I've had my hand crushed at work. My knuckles to be exact. Hurt like a mutha fucker and I now have bruises on the back of my hand. Great.
The place I work for have cut 3 temps and my hours....in fact every other temps hours have been cut down. Oh joy. But you have to keep positive and get on with it, right? Right!

Maybe its time to post some of the posts I've 'drafted'. Maybe. I dunno. I read them back and I'm still not sure how much sense they make.

Things are changing for me. They have been for a while. Growing, changing, spreading out, reaching out, flowing, expanding, morphing....

I love, love, love the new Imogen Heap album. It's like.....beauty personified.
Maybe I should have been born lesbian.

Imogen Heap - Bad Body Double.

The sound of silence grows, as the spider's kiss is laid. The tumor becomes malign, but the kids are doing fine.

I always swore to myself that I'd never blog when I was drunk.
Things change, huh.

I didn't get any of the three jobs offered at the place I'm currently temping at. In fact, yesterday, the postman delivered a letter saying I'd not even got through to the interview stage. Couple that with the fact that my hours at work have been cut down again....I probably should be feeling pissed off. But, I'm not. These things happen. It's not a bad thing, a negative thing. It's an opportunity. An opportunity for me to make things different, move on and get myself straight again.

There's a mahoosive spider walking about in the dining room. My mum would be freaking out right now if she was here. I don't have the heart to catch it. It's probably just wondering where it's home is. Poor thing.

I've written a post about sex. It's in the 'drafts'.

I've donated half my wardrobe to a charity shop.

Bea, from Big Brother....I used to like her. I used to really like her. Apart from the fact that she's blonde, she seemed to have all the characteristics of a girl that I like. But lately, she's shown a different side to her. A side that I don't really like. I feel a little....let down by her. Since Freddie got evicted on Friday, and he was my favourite to win, now I'm left wondering who to support.

Long skirt, strappy top, long hair. Long skirt, strappy top, long hair.

I don't look backwards, only forwards, because that's where my future lies.

I love driving a car again, instead of a van. Just the fact that I have windows and vision behind me, instead of having to use the stupid door mirrors makes a mahoosive difference. Not to mention the comfort, the steering, the four doors, the space, the braking, not having to wait for glow plugs to warm up.

Music is saving my life, once again. I have fell back in love with music.

Here's a couple of choones I've been throwing down shapes to lately. They are great for exercising too as well. Great bass lines, great beats, great vocals. Damn, I love this kind of stuff.

Armin Van Buuren - This World Is Watching Me
John Ocallaghan - Big sky

This has got to die, I said this has got to stop. This has got to lie down, with someone else on top.

I've been out tonight.
And the good news is....I've got my mojo back!

Once set, our footprints when you carried me along , it was then that I abandoned my fears.

Blood, The Last Vampire is a great, great movie.

Also The Mist. Great film. So intense. And especially the soundtrack over the last 10 minutes or so.
"Well, we gave it a good shot. Nobody can say that we didn't."
"Nope, nobody can say that."
"We got erm....four. Four bullets"
"There's five of us!"
"I'll figure something out."

Brilliant, brilliant ending to the film.

I'd like to say a sincere thank you. Thank you to all the people who emailed me and commented on my last post. Although a few of the emails were a little....'digging' at me, the majority were supportive, so thanks to everyone who contacted me. It's very much appreciated.

I think I've replied to everybody.
I'm fine by the way. Everything in my life is good at the moment. Ok, so things could be better, but that's not the point. The point being that everything that's happening in my life is positive. There's no room for negativity in my life at the moment. Negativity just drags people down, and I don't allow that anymore.

It feel kind of odd that I've been more moved by the death of John Hughes than I am of Michael Jackson. There's no doubt that MJ was a talented artist. No doubt at all. But I've been moved more by the passing of John Hughes, probably because he affected me more directly with his visions and movies; The Breakfast Club, Ferris Buelleur's Day Off and especially Some Kind Of Wonderful. Such a talent and visionary. What a great, great loss.

I'm completely hooked on Big Brother. That's because I'm a Big Brother whore! This year has been soooo good, with all the relationships, mental bending and tasks. I like Bea. I can't help it, but she's got so many qualities that I like in a girl, apart from being a fake blonde. And I like Siavash. But I still want Freddie/Halfwit to win.

Strangely, Facebook has captured my imagination and I'm loving the connectivity at the moment. I've reconnected with friends, family members and the like, and so far it's all been good. But there's a major difference between Facebook and blogging, for me anyway.

I've found some great music lately. Cat Power, Bats For Lashes, Placebo and particularly Delores O'Rioran. Her second solo album is just great. She has such a wonderful voice. What a shame The Cranberries broke up, but I guess it was all down to where she felt she was in her own personal life.
This song on her latest album makes me cry, for many different reasons;

Delores O'Riordan - Lunatic.

I'd love to be able to play that on the piano.
*sigh*

All along, not so strong without these open arms. Hold on tight. All along, not that strong without these open arms. Lie beside.

I had a mental breakdown. A nervous breakdown. A mental fuck up. A meltdown. Whatever you wanna call it.

For people who've never been through one, and I would never wish one on anybody, it's very difficult to explain. Very, very difficult for other people to understand.
Everything that's affecting your life (even some normal day to day stuff) builds up. Into something black, bleak, blurred, out of control, the absolute biggest mountain to climb, the deepest pit you've ever been in, the most impossible force, an unimaginable force, an unbeatable thing, throws everything off course.... Things that shouldn't even affect you, do. It's the worst case of a 'snowball' effect that you could ever imagine. And you change. You turn into something....somebody that's far removed from your normal self. You become....out of character. It's more about anxiety and internal panic than feeling low and depressed. Yes, depression is a different feeling.
And the worst thing about it, is that you have no idea that you're suffering with the breakdown. Imagine going through deep depression, but on a much larger and wider scale. A very different scale.
You hold on to 'other things'. Things in your life that you can deal with, that you enjoy. Routine things, sometimes monotonous things. These other things help see you through. They become something you can focus on, being able to temporarily put all the bleakness, pressures and anxiety aside. While you're focused on these other things, your mood becomes a little more lifted. Your internal chatterbox changes from it usual angsty formula and instead of constantly repeating all your issues and problems and telling you that you're pathetic and can't deal with any of them, it begins telling you that life ain't so bad and that maybe you can deal. But of course these 'other things' don't last long enough and the temporary uplift ultimately gets completely drowned out. And more often than not the negativity comes back and hits you ten fold.
It's awful. It's just a terrible thing.
The smallest thing, which in other people's eyes may be something insignificant, becomes an absolutely impossible wall to climb. The panic attacks. The lack of control. The feeling of helplessness. The feeling of isolation. The feelings of intense pain and loneliness, even though you might be with a partner.
I can't speak for anybody else who's been through a breakdown. All I can do is see things from my own eyes....my own perspective.
I knew I was having down days. And I was all too aware how it would affect others around me. So I withdrew into myself. On my down times, I would want to deal with all my problems myself and not show others that I was suffering. I absolutely hated other people seeing me so low. I went quiet, I curled up, I hid my tears, I become robotic, I tried to be as 'normal' as I could under the circumstances. I tried so hard to 'protect' the others around me. But I failed, miserably. Instead of showing the others around me that I could deal with things, that my withdrawal and quietness was my way of not hurting them or adding to their own problems and issues....instead of that, I was seen as an unhappy, unloving, uncaring, unsociable person. A person who didn't want to be there. A person who had given up on the relationship. I had absolutely no idea that that is how I was being seen. No idea at all.
I've said time and time again that suffering a breakdown changes a person. Of course it's still them....the physical person. But the mental person, no. Their personality goes through such an intense change and no matter how hard you try to fight it, there's just no strength left anymore. And perhaps most importantly, at the time of the breakdown, they have no idea that they've changed so much because all they're doing is trying to survive.
I guess a good example would be Britney's breakdown. It was still her....still Britney, but her meltdown caused such changes in her mental state. She partied all the time, she shaved her head in the public eye, she lashed out at people, got into fights, checked in and out of rehabs frequently, flashed her pussy on numerous occasions, finally got committed to a mental/health institution and did countless other things that she's since said she's ashamed of, because she wasn't 'herself'. It cost her the custody of her children.
Another example would be Vanessa Feltz when she had a meltdown in the Celebrity Big Brother House. Again, she lost control of her normal mental state, acted and did things against her normal character. It cost her countless work contracts and her marriage.
And of course the list goes on; Anne Heche, Whitney Houston, Micha Barton, Lindsay Lohan, Martin Lawrence, Hugh Laurie, Owen Wilson, Winona Ryder, George Michael....I could go on. And of course how many other countless thousands who aren't celebrities suffer through this too. The numbers are probably horrific.
I feel for them all.

The first step to recovery is to seek help. With depression it's the same. That first step is without doubt the hardest to take. No matter how much other people around you try and want to help, the person who's suffering simply has to reach that certain point of their illness where only they can make that first step. And then there's the acceptance, which is very difficult. Having to accept that something like this....a 'mental breakdown', something that happens to 'other' people has happened to you. But once you accept it, you're already well on the way to recovering.

Nothing....absolutely nothing can change the past. And no matter how much you want to change what you became when you went through your breakdown, the fact of the matter is it was you. A mentally ill you, a different and affected you, a warped personality of you, but you all the same. A breakdown should never be used as an excuse. It's something that can affect anybody, that's a fact of life. All you can hope for is that people can try to understand, even though it's very, very difficult for them seeing these things as an outsider.

Me - I'm a very genuine person. I'm honest, open and like to talk about things. That's always how I've been. I'm loving, touchy-feely, sensitive, warm, caring, protective, emotional, sensual, delicate, kind, devoted, generous, considerate, passionate, friendly, tender, loyal, huggy, warmhearted. When I was suffering my breakdown, my illness took a lot of those personality traits away from me. Not all of them, but a lot of them. Changed me into somebody who was far removed from my normal self and the saddest part is that at the time I was ill, I had absolutely no idea that I'd changed, and more importantly how much it was affecting others.

It cost me my relationship with The Girl.
Her feelings for me changed over time. I had no idea how much of a c**t I became, but her feelings for me changed. The love she felt for me melted away. She tried so hard to help me, but I couldn't accept it. My mental illness wasn't allowing me any strength to accept any help.
I became distant, wrapped up in myself, curled up in a ball, trying to deal with things myself, trying to protect her and her family, pushing her away, seeing things that weren't there, things blurring out of proportion, saying things that just weren't true, feeling rejected, alone, lost, isolating myself without proper reason, removing myself....when all along I was still thinking that our love for each other would carry us through. I was wrong.

She asked me to leave, and I can't blame her. Had the situation been reversed, I would have been the same. Something had to give. I don't blame her or hold any bad feelings for her about how she reacted at all. I would have been the same, had the situation have been reversed and I know how difficult a decision it must have been for her. After all, you have to protect not only yourself, but your kids too. So yes, I completely understand that. I've done the right (and I think, honourable) thing for me and for The Girl, and that was to send her a sincere apology to her and her family for my behaviour during my illness. She deserved an apology from me. It completely broke me, but it's the least I could do. And I've told her time and time again that I understand why she did what she did, asking me to leave, and that in no way should she feel any kind of guilt over that. She did what she thought was right at the time, and as we all do that, who could possibly think she did the wrong thing. I certainly don't.

The past is exactly that, the past. No matter what you do, nothing can change it. But we can learn from it. Some people don't learn from their mistakes or experiences, they somehow think they can just carry on, plod on with life. That's the biggest mistake of all.
I've learnt a great deal from my breakdown. I've learnt so much about me, other people, mental illness, the effects and aftermath, relationships....Just so much. And I'm still learning to a certain extent. Everything about the future can be changed and that's the way we all live our lives.

I'm rebuilding my life now. Have been for many weeks. I've got myself regular work, albeit temporary which allows me to pay my bills and pay debts back. I've closed down my Business. Changed the van for a car. Sorted out all the grief I had with my house that was being rented out. Spoken to Companies that I owe money to so they can be more understanding, which they have been. Sorted out my taxes. Stopped smoking weed. Changed my eating habits. Been exercising to stimulate my heart and brain cells. Reading self help books. Meditating. Cut out negativity in my day to day life. Gone onto medication. Been referred to a councillor. Made some new friends. Started to go out and mix with new people. Made plans for my future involving where I want to live. Researching and making headway for different types of work. Resolved problems I had with my own family. Been waking up with an attitude of 'this is a new day, I wonder what it will bring'. Started writing again. Rediscovered the important things in life. Become much, much more happier with myself. Got my sense of humour back. Been able to deal with any negativity in my life with a positive approach. Since being well on the road to recovery, I've been able to tackle all of the issues that caused me so much stress, anxiety, panic and frustration. Put in simple terms....I've become me again. But me in a much better state of mind.
My life now....my personality, my outlook, my love of life, my future, my own state of mind....all a million miles away from where I was when I hit rock bottom. I feel empowered, positive, happy. The personality traits that made me me are back ten fold and I know that I'm such a better person for it. It's absolutely awful that I went through a mental breakdown to get where I am today, but I can't change that. And all the awful hurt I caused, I can't change that either, no matter how hard I try. So I've accepted me, what happened and moved on.
In a way, I guess it's similar to going through, or knowing somebody who is/has gone through bad depression. You can look back at yourself or at that person, remember their sadness, their bleakness, their change in personality, their odd behaviour, whatever, but you can understand and accept that it was the illness that affected them. And more importantly, see them as the good person that not only they were before, but also who they have become.

I was a weak person. I lost my way.
No longer!

I'm genuinely excited about the future.
I feel like an amazing person.

"Breathe" - Bliss featuring Sophie Barker.

This melody will fade away and die. Just for today, breathe me and say goodbye.

Yesterday, I swapped this (my old shitty van; that was my only vehicle and used for my Business):




For this (An Alfa Romeo 156 T-Spark):





I realize that it can be seen as one of those types of cars that is a 'penis extension' for guys (and boy do I need it), but seriously....it's not the case. It was simply a case of the guy who wanted to buy my van off me also had a car he wanted to get rid of. Problem solved for both of us it seems.

And oh boy, did I wake up with a fucking terrible head this morning! Last night got a little....crazy.

I'll see only what I wanna see. I'll be only who I wanna be.

I'm off out Saturday night with some of the guys who I work with. We're meeting up in town, having a few drinks, then they plan to go onto somewhere else. I just hope it's a club or late bar instead of some seedy joint or lap dancing club, which they've spoken about. It's not like I want to be a party pooper or anything, but I've never been to a place like that before. Getting out and about, socializing, meeting new people....it's all good. Something I've been lacking. Something I need to do.

And if I'm gonna talk. I just wanna talk. Please don't interrupt. Just sit back and listen.

I don't think I'm finished here just yet....

You in the sea. On a decline. Breaking the waves.

More often than not, although not exclusively, I'm watching myself in third person. Sat in my van, waiting at some road junction or other, when a heavy vehicle ploughs into the side of me with such huge force and speed and destruction.
It's a wreck. A carnage. A black and white mess.
Sometimes I linger, but usually that's more than enough to wake me. Either way I never get to discover how badly injured I am. Or if I survived at all.

If I'm not having shitty dreams, I'm tossing and turning....unable to remember how to feel comfortable in bed. My arms become extra limbs that are in the way no matter how I position myself.

I am so tired.
So very tired of everything.

Use to laugh 'bout nothing, now you're plain boring. I should know that you're not gonna change.

At 3mins 40sec, the little girl on the left with the hula-hoop....she scares me.
But it's forgivable 'cos the best bits at 3mins 52sec and 3mins 54sec are still amusing after many viewings.



Blink and you miss 'em.

They've just played Gwen Stefani's latest song on MTV. I'm watching it at my parent's house on their lovely HD TV, on lovely SKY HD and in lovely surround sound.
*Le Sigh*
Yeah, it sounded like a really good song.

I miss you MTV. I miss you like a fat kids misses cake.

I'm going in for the kill. I'm doing it for a thrill.

Absolutely loving this tune by La Roux.

La Roux - In For The Kill.

And an interesting remix doing the rounds too.

La Roux - In For The Kill (Skream remix).

The other night, I noted to The Girl that the dog eats standing up and the cat eats sitting down. And then we wondered if that was true with other cats and dogs.

I'm sat here in the kitchen wondering whether I should put a pizza in the oven, or mix up some stuff to make cakes. Or neither. The Girl is out tonight. It's very weird sitting here in her empty house. Hmmm, or maybe a bacon sandwich.

We watched Benjamin Button earlier. Blimey that's a long movie. I enjoyed it though. Although I just couldn't like Daisy's character, so the crux of the plotline was miffed for me. I liked the moral of the story though. And they did an outstanding job making Brad Pitt younger throughout the movie. Shame they did such a shit job of making the other characters age, especially Daisy. Oh well.

I need to get back into The Wire. I think I'm up to the last season now, but I got side-tracked by Weeds. And Battlestar Galactica of all things. And Dollhouse. And I really miss Firefly.

You've been hit by, you've been struck by a smooth criminal.

So, all 750,000 tickets for Jacko's upcoming gigs at the O2 Arena all sold out in record time. Wow, that's a shit load a totally dedicated fans right there.
Oh no, hang on.
As of just twelve hours later, Ebay has over 6,500 people listing tickets for sale. And most of them are more than doubling their money. I saw a few pairs, granted they were excellent seats; front row etc, but still....£3,500 for a pair is taking the piss!
It's a fucking travesty that these people can get away with it.

It's ok though. 'Cos he loves us all.
Bless.

Never seem to get in the place that I belong. Don't wanna lose the time, lose the time to come.

Another visit to the Doctor, my own Doctor this time, has resulted in me being diagnosed with Asthma. It's not 100%, but he's pretty sure and there are further tests which I have to attend in a couple of weeks. Lung Function Tests they are. All sounds very ominous, huh?

So where do I stand now?
Well, I'm not sure. But with conversations with the Doc about my current co-habiting with pets and various aspects of the job I do, neither bode too well with me feeling any better anytime soon. If this is Karma biting me on the arse then I'd really like to know what I did that was so wrong....

I knew it was gonna be a tough year, but please.

Sometimes you feel so....so useless. Sometimes I feel so useless. It's a difficult thing to shake. I'm not giving up without a fight though. I know something good is gonna come out of this year, even thought getting there is gonna be so utterly unforgiving.

And I don't want no substitute. Baby, I swear it's Deja Vu.

With each new video it becomes more apparent....
Well, to me at least.
And I find it very difficult to believe that I'm in a small minority here, but alas, I don't hear/see/read many other people mentioning it....the fact that Beyonce isn't a good dancer. I can't help but see a cross between Tina Turner and Freddie Starr. Perish the thought!

Perhaps I am on my own here. Or perhaps I simply need to get out more.

Ha. Blow that horn bitch!

Appliances have gone berserk. I can not keep up.

Even in these tough times, Sony show that they've still got it!



NSFW by the way.

I don't know much, but I know this for certain. And that is the sun poking its head round the curtain.

I seem to be feeling a little better, although I'm still far from feeling one hundred percent.
And I find it ironic that I use that a measure considering I can't even remember the last time I felt anywhere near one hundred percent.
I managed to gain some control over my breathing, assisted by an inhaler, only to find myself suffering with terrible stomach pains and a full and unhealthy relationship with the words 'shit', 'eye' and 'needle'.
Still, it could be worse.

I'm desperately scratching around for work. Have been for weeks now. In the quiet times I made the mistake of searching through websites; reading up about plumbing, construction, recession effects, training and other things that have been a large focus of my life for the past few years. A mistake because I've been left feeling like I've made a huge error. I can see it now. I can see all the info that I should have taken on board way back when I was thinking about ditching out of the rat-race. Left wondering why, why, why didn't I see this coming.
And I still feel like I'm a burden, not a boyfriend.

Of all the times a small person can come into the room, it just has to be when the song "Fuck You" comes on, huh? Nice one Lily!

So....on a scale of one to ten, how happy are you, seriously?