I'll take this soul that's inside me now. Like a brand new friend, I'll forever know.

The morning after made so much more sense than the night before
Too many refills
Outside influence, outside influence
Somebody call the cops.

The night before had too many arms and too many legs
Eagerness overpowered love
Care and attention, fear and redemption
Somebody call the cops.

The smell of newly baked bread in the air and sex on the sheets
Passion danced with the morning
Between them, deep within them
Somebody call the cops.

The wonderful expression on her face said it all and more
His expression quite different
Pulling faces, saving graces
Somebody call the cops.

The feeling of real life was much more apparent in the morning
Between the absolute two of them
The truth of her moans, the depth of his groans
Somebody call the cops.

The feeling of a jigsaw puzzle with all its pieces present
Bodies entwined as if it were meant
Wrapped around her, deep inside her
Somebody call the cops.

Come on, surprise him
Include him in the bigger picture
Do you ever want to think "what if?"
What if?

The hours that followed saw them sat on the sofa together
Her eyes catching his panoramic gaze
He stroked her garden, and begged her pardon
They were pulling out all the stops.

And you gathered from my pleas to you, that I am but a clown. No fear, only a hero can defeat these demons now.

I am due to finish taking my medication at the end of this month.
Does that mean I'm fixed?
Am I mentally unbalanced no longer?
Am I....ok?

I feel a terrible urge to fly the nest again. I need to be free.
The only thing that's keeping me from looking at it more seriously, is the fact that I can pay back more of my debts while I'm nesting with The Folks.
And I need to get that done and dusted.

It's not that I can't settle, it's that I'm....unsettled.

I've got a sheet for my bed. And a pillow for my head. I've got a pencil full of lead. And some water for my throat.

I masturbated in a five star hotel last night.

I rock!

Woke up and for the first time, the animals were gone. It's left this house empty now, not sure if I belong.

The aftermath is never a dull moment.

As I sat there this morning, trying to put together how I have gained scratches on both of my hands and one arm, why all of my pockets are crammed full with gambling chips, realizing we were lucky in our 'close call' with the police, trying to remember who took the photo of me trying to strike an 'erotic male calender' pose, using a rather large road sign to cover most of my modesty and wondering who the hell I spoke to in Australia on that girl's mobile phone.

It was no use asking my friend, as she handed me my first coffee of the day. She fell asleep on the sofa for the last few hours while the rest of us were in drunken wii mode. Previous to that she had been trying to keep up with everybody else, and failing. Those three glasses of wine she downed on an empty stomach kicked in by 10 and she was pretty useless after that. Although she proved herself very useful in helping me carry the huge 'No Smoking' sign that we gained on our two mile walk back to our friend's house.

This morning, she seemed more vocal about telling me she'd spent the best part of two hours already this morning "shitting through the eye of a needle". And the deep, rapturous burps didn't really add anything to the conversation.

During the day, most of the blurry pieces of the puzzle have cleared. I think a good time was had by most, if not all and everybody survived in one piece. That's always a good sign.
I'm still to find out who has the photo though.

One thing that is clear to me when I think back.
As midnight was approaching with chants of the countdown, the group of friends I was out with bobbed and weaved their way further into the building and we kinda got separated. The clock struck midnight. Whistles and bangs, cheers and "hoorays" bellowed out, as people did the hugging, kissing, shaking hands kind of thing. And for entire length of that awful..fucking..song that's sung on every New Year, I was all alone.

I can bind your beautiful wrists. And shut your beautiful eyelids. With the drugs, with the drugs, with the drugs.

Fare thee well, 2009.
You've not been dull, that's for sure.
But it's time we parted ways.

You can keep me pinned, 'cos it's easier to tease. But you can't paint an elephant, quite as good as she.

It worries me a little that I'm told I was eating pork pie on Christmas night.
I hate pork pie.
I saw a programme once, about healthy eating, and they showed a guy taking a bite of a pork pie and then a bite out of a block of lard. Lard! And they said he was getting nothing more out of the pork pie than the block of lard, as far as nutrients, goodness, etc is concerned. From that moment on, I turned my back on pork pies!
Apparently, I was also singing "Mr Brightside" at the top of my voice, into a 'soap on a rope' shaped in the form of a microphone. Don't ask!
Best not mention then, that at just after midnight, I went outside, running to my car, shouting out at the top of my voice that I wanted to hear some Lady Gaga! This was confirmed in the morning, when I asked my brother why my flash drive from the car with all my music on, is by the side of his computer?!

It's ok though. I slept on the sofa, and I checked myself for bite marks in the morning. Nothing!

You are creating all the bubbles at night.. I'm chasing round trying to pop them all the time.

She was sat on the far sofa, talking about her current tempestuous relationship.
She asked me if I thought it was working.
Silence.
Then she asked me what the cure was for a broken heart.
I sat for a while....

How do you get over a broken heart?
You replace your ex with somebody else.
All those spaces and voids that were festing away in your life since you broke up, you fill them, with somebody else.
A different accent, different eyes, different hair.
A different way of hugging, of kissing, of touching.
Start going out to different places again.
Enjoy introducing somebody new to your friends and family, and revel in the remarks of how much nicer this new person is than the 'ex'.
Ok, so being naked with a new person might feel a little weird at first, but you'll soon get over it.
Having a new person in your life wont leave you with that deep, empty pit in your stomach, because you'll have a new part of your own journey to trek, with a new person, along a different path.

You just simply 'fill' your empty heart with somebody new.

She just made an affirming noise with her mouth, then made us another coffee.

"Rise" Eddie Vedder.

I tread a troubled track. My odds are stacked. I go back to black.

Sometime, during the festivities, take a moment to think about people who aren't as fortunate as yourself, and what kind of Christmas they are having?
People should put differences aside for just even a moment.
People should make that extra effort.
People should stop holding the grudge, and forgive.

Merry Christmas.

xx

When we collide we come together. If we don't, we'll always be apart. I'll take a bruise, I know you're worth it. When you hit me, hit me hard.

My kids are brilliant.
I love my kids more than anything else in the world.

My eldest wants to be a teacher.
My middle kid is a musical genius.
My youngest has all the makings of a great artist.

I don't talk about my kids on here. They are my private world.

I think I feel ok about Christmas and the New Year. Weird and different this year, but I'm pretty sure I can handle it.
My folks are flying off in the early hours, so I will have the house to myself for a week. I've been invited to few places, so I'll be fine for the first few days.

I want to sort things out. I want to pay off my debts.
I want to move forward.
Without thinking of what I left behind.
Or what cast me aside.

And focus on me and my future.

And all my destinations will accept the one that's me. So I can breathe.

"Y-Y-You push it, stretch it, it'll never be enough.
You kick at it, beat it, it'll never cover any of us.
From the moment we enter crying t-to the moment we leave dying, it'll just cover your face as you wail and cry and scream."

Amazing. Amazing and beautiful.

Gonna rise up, burning back holes in dark memories. Gonna rise up, turning mistakes into gold.

It's ok to have an 'off' day, right?
And how about a couple of 'off' days?
Or three or four?

I need to shake myself out of this funk.
This reminds me of dark places I'd like not to visit again.

A Christmas alone this year isn't helping either.

I normally find the Christmas/New Year holiday period a difficult one. It will be even more so this year, after the year I've had. And I think that's what's bringing my feet down.
So I guess, the worst case scenario is that these funky times will only last until new year.
I think I can make that.
Phew!

I think I felt you disappear, disappear, disappear. I know it's awful but I'd already said my goodbyes.

It's kinda weird knowing.
I don't even know how I knew. I just....did.

And it's ok, yano.

I remember when we had such fun and everything was fine, I remember when we used to have a good time, partners in crime.

I've just had a genius idea about remixing an 80's classic.

Shush.

I pronounce it aluminium, 'cause there's an I next to the U and M. Now write it down slowly, and read it out fast.

I am euphoric tonight.

And over at theauditorium, there's a run down of the top ten albums of the year, as selected and reviewed by moi, swisslet and LB. It's all cool to drop over and say something.

"I was born on a horse, that's all."

I need to feel I'm getting stronger. Long as I'm moving, it feels true. And with each step, I will forget. Forget all of those memories of you.

Quite simply a brilliant remix.
Brutal in the mix....brutal in the lyrics.
Thanks Alanis x

Freemasons - "Uninvited (club mix I think, but fuck it, just a brilliant remix all the same)"

and just because....a brilliant remix of Heartbreak by Sophie Ellis Bexter and The Freemasons.

I spoke to my Nan tonight, while I was stoned.

And there's gonna be reviews, and a top 10 listing of both; albums of 2009, and albums of the decade over at the auditorium between me, LB and Swisslet soon. How cool is that? Like music? Go over....

I love your depression and I love your double chin. I love most everything you bring to this offering.

Nobody is perfect.
We all fuck up.
Often in small doses, sometimes on more monumental scales.

So, I don't care that your underwear doesn't always match.
I don't care that you get occasional spots, bare the scars of children and would rather turn the light out before you undress.
Just the fact that you felt close enough to let me in a little, is more than enough. On a par with something monumental.

Is it too much to ask that you don't care either?

I can forgive your knickers on the floor, if you can forgive me turning my back.

I feel like I could write a song about you.
But maybe not just now.

The sea filled in this silence, before you sank those words. And now even in the darkness, I can see how happy you are.

Not only does he get tongue-tied, but he also worries about you shooting him down in flames, no matter what he says to you.
He very much wants you to see the right shapes, but in the past when he's shown you a circle, you've seen a square.
So, does he poke the tip of his tongue out of the corner of his mouth and really concentrate, or does he stick to his word and just give the bare minimum, believing that the small talk was just a means to an end.

He's been sitting on this for days now, and it's very unfair of him to do such a thing. You deserve so much better, and it's apparent that you have and are achieving exactly that, regardless of the circles or squares.

When he only gives you the 'answers', he really hopes that you understand that not only is that all he could muster without getting tugged in the wrong direction again, but also, that you all made it pretty clear what your collective thoughts were.

Time serves its purpose in larger doses.
It hasn't done its job yet.

Just take what you need, and be on your way, and stop crying your heart out.

The best place you can ever be, is at peace and within finger touch of being completely happy with yourself and your life.
That's exactly where I am tonight.
There is usually an influence or catalyst involved, but tonight there's no influence from simple alcohol or drugs. But an influence, all the same, from some higher or possibly deeper spiritual thing. And I love that. That there are things at work in this world, this life, this universe, that we can't understand. But if we could only realise that understanding isn't the important thing here. It's acceptance. Acceptance....an open armed welcome....a true embrace.
I don't know the ins and outs of the human brain, but I have acceptance and confidence in it's power and workings.

Earlier today, a client of mine came back for a brief visit to give me a home made chocolate cake (as a thank you) and we shared a kiss on the cheek. And it's things like that, that rekindle my faith in people. Ok, so not everybody....but some people have good, pure good in their hearts.

Some people are just complete and utter shit-bags. But it's wrong to tarnish the entire population with the same bleak brush. Ok, so maybe the good people always come last in the race of life, but I'd much rather pace myself, in tandem with similar thinking people, and cross that finish line in my own good time.

There's no room for elbows in the chest, sneaky trippings, pushing, shoving or the likes.
Winning and coming out on top isn't the be all and end all.
And for all the people who are stood there waiting at the tape, grinning and smirking at the others way behind them....just think how lonely you are up there. Not only that, but also think about how isolated and cold you feel. In reflection, was it all worth it?

Don't judge.
Don't think for other people.
Don't fill in the blanks.
If you do any of the above, then you might as well isolate yourself from the rest of the human race and live your life in a cocoon of second guesses.

The other night, I went out for a family meal.
The couple to the right of our table were mostly sat in silence. The few times they spoke, it was from the girl, who questioned the guy's motives, his dedication to the relationship and his apparent flippant behaviour.
"You haven't told me that you love me for over a year", she said.
He sat there in silence.
I felt like slapping him on the face and telling him to wise up or fuck off. Whatever his decision, it had to be a deep and heartfelt honest one.

The couple behind us were talking about a third party who had caused a rift in their relationship. The guy was brushing it all off with a roll of his eyes and toss of his hand. The girl was obviously deeply hurt. Not only by the cause, but also by his reaction.
As an outsider, I can see exactly what was wrong.
As an outsider, I wish I could have banged their heads together and helped them sort things out.
What the fuck is all this second guessing shit?!?!?!
They left soon afterwards. She was walking a few steps behind him all the way to the exit.

Why is it so easy to see the shit and problems with other people and yet when it comes down to your own life....well....you just can't see it the same. It's like a blinker, or handcuffs, or some kind of transformation into Disney's Goofy; the dumb fucker.
Ego, maybe? Or perhaps the reaction of close friends? Worry and concern what other may thing of you?
Well, fuck all that shit! They don't live your life!
Is this life worth living, if you live it abiding to other people's rules and regulations, judgements and opinions?
The simple answer....
Nope.

This life is your life.
Live it!

You can throw away all those letters, I don't care about what they say. All those sorrys, there's a million reasons why you can't mend me....

Leona....She goes fucking Mahoosive on her latest album.
It's quite brilliant.

She goes mahoosive:
Stop crying your heart out

And then she takes mahoosive and pisses all over it with this:
Broken

I don't know who she uses as song-writers, but they've done a fantastic job of growing Leona into a whole different level of play. It's an album worthy of any challenge to say; Mariah Carey, Alanis Morissette, Whitney, Evanescence, Avril Lavine, Rhianna, Christina, Britney and the likes.

The album's now over, but something is nagging at me. So, I think back. An earworm is forming already. Four more clicks on the mouse and I find it again....

The slow burning gem:
Can't breathe


Last night I bet my brother twenty quid over 'something'. And although last night I may have been over-brimming with confidence, today I can't even begin to think what the bloody bet was over?!
And this morning, I was late for work. That'll teach me to have a good time when it's slightly inconvenient to my life.

Lots more to say, just not right now. Not a good evening for me.
I should be in bed!


....don't even try.

Don't call it a comeback, we'll hold an event in here. This space is beautiful, I'll decide when it is over.

So, don't call it a comeback.

A message to the guy who invented woofers and tweaters.
"You have no idea how much you changed my life. Thank you!"

The best part about being at a gig? Feeling the air being pushed by sound alone. It's amazing. Deep, deep in the stomach amazing!

How about some:

Meck - Windmills (sundan remix)

or

John O'callaghan feat Sarah Howells - Find Yourself (original mix)

or maybe

Robbie Williams - Morning Sun

I'm going round my brother's tonight. We're having a kind of chilled out post birthday kinda thing. Staying over, work tomorrow and I'm almost certainly going to get very, very stoned. I'm planning on introducing him to 'Handbag House' and taking the piss out of him because he text me last night with a "LOL". How many times do I have to tell him; omfg I don't do internat chat shit ffs, roflmao.

Laters x